Arts & Culture » I Love Television

I LOVE TELEVISION

by


Are you wearing your adult underpants? Well, prepare for them to be soiled beyond recognition, because everyone's favorite action/drama, 24, is returning to TV this week! All together now … EEEEEEEEE! (You may now change into dry undergarments.)

All comfy in your new diaper? Good, because you're about to be soiled again! Not only is 24 debuting this Sunday (Jan. 14) on Fox at 8 p.m. with a slam-bang two-hour episode, there's gonna be ANOTHER two-hour episode the following night (8 p.m. Monday, Jan. 15)! Once again … EEEEEEEEE!!! (Oh, great. Looks like another emergency trip to the drugstore.)

Ehhh, who needs underpants anyway? The important thing is that everybody's favorite guv'ment agent, Jack Bauer (played by Kiefer Sutherland), is back for a sixth season (!) of almost single-handedly saving the planet from annihilation. (You know … he should totally start up his own store in the mall. Then whenever somebody has a planetary annihilation problem that needs to be solved in a day or less, they could stop by Jack's business, which he could call "Forever 24." If I were him, I'd put it right between Hot Topic and Wetzel's Pretzels. Just an idea.)

For those new to this action-packed show, let's quickly recap the last five seasons of 24: BOOOM! "EEEEK!" "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm a terrorist! And I just blew something up!" "Oh, yes? Well, I'm the president, and I'm calling in the Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU)!" "Ring-ring! Hello, you've reached the Counter Terrorism Unit. How may I direct your call?" "Yes! This is the president! There's a terrorist blowing up things, and I need your best agent!" "Gulp … but that's Jack Bauer — and he's kind of psychologically damaged!" BOOOM! "Acck! I've just been assassinated! Get me Bauer, quick!"

"Hello, I'm Jack Bauer and though my wife was murdered and my kid hates me, I'm the best in the business — probably because I'm so psychologically damaged! Now, where's this ‘terrorist' I've been hearing so much about?" "Here I am, but if you'll excuse me, I'm kind of busy blowing up the world!" "Well, unfortunately for you, I'm Jack Bauer — and I demand to know where you're hiding that bomb!" "As Allah is my witness, I'll never tell!" CRACK! SMACK! BITCHSLAP! "Eeeeeek! It's behind the couch!" "Thanks! Whew, I deactivated that bomb just in time! Now … where was I? Oh, yes …" CRACK! SMACK! BITCH- SLAP! "Great Allah! You're killing meeeeeee!" "HA! That'll teach YOU to F-A-W-K with the U-S-A! Yay, I win again!" Roll credits, rinse and repeat.

However! In last season's finale, just as he was basking in the glow of bitchslapping another terrorist, Jack Bauer was suddenly kidnapped by the Red Chinese (booooooooo!) and whisked off to some Commie gulag, where he's probably being forced to eat the scabs off his legs and grow an unattractive neck beard. So the way I figure it, either Jack is gonna be busted out in time for the first episode, or he's going to spend the entire season chasing a syphilitic mouse around his cell — which might be funny for a couple of weeks, but that's about it. Quick! Where's my "Free Jack Bauer from the Red Chinese Gulag" T-shirt??

Wanted: fresh adult underpants.

steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, JAN. 11

8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE

When Lana secretly confesses her doubts about marrying Lex, snoopy gossip columnist Tori Spelling picks up the ball and runs with it!

9 p.m. FOX THE O.C.

EEEP! The O.C.'s been canceled?? This may be the last time you get to see Ryan beat the crap out of a French dude.

FRIDAY, JAN. 12

8 p.m. NBC 1 VS. 100

A single contestant takes on a mob of brainiacs including infomercial millionaires, child geniuses … and Fabio?!

8 p.m. FOX NANNY 911

It's a child-rearing emergency when three little girls run roughshod over their wimpy parents! WHERE'S MY BELT?

SATURDAY, JAN. 13

8 p.m. VH1 THE WHITE RAPPER SHOW

A reality competition to find what the world really, really needs … another white rapper.

SUNDAY, JAN. 14

8 p.m. FOX 24

Season premiere! While terrorists blow up shit back home, Jack sits in a Red Chinese gulag picking his toes.

10 p.m. HBO EXTRAS

Season premiere! Ricky "The Office" Gervais stars as a beleaguered movie extra in this parody of the film biz.

MONDAY, JAN. 15

8 p.m. FOX 24

In the second new episode of the week, Jack is still waiting to be rescued from the gulag, so he befriends a snail.

8 p.m. NBC GOLDEN GLOBES

I know that nobody gives a crap about these awards, but … go Borat! Go Borat! GO BORAT!

TUESDAY, JAN. 16

8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Season premiere! Simon, Paula and Randy are back to pick the next 30-year-old white soul singer. Uggh.

10 p.m. BRAVO REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY

ORANGE COUNTY

Season premiere! Check out this creepy reality show about housewives with too much time/collagen on their hands!

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 17

8 p.m. CW BEAUTY & THE GEEK

The geeks are auctioned off for charity. (Can you really bid negative 25 bucks?)

10:30 p.m. COM THE NAKED TRUCKER & T-BONES SHOW

Debut! A variety show starring — yes, a naked trucker and his simpleton friend. Guest-starring Will Ferrell!


comment