I love Halloween! It's 10 times better than any of the other stupid holidays — and that includes Christmas (and its multicultural equivalents). Why? Because Halloween is the only holiday where your chance to bag some hot booty skyrockets to 87 percent. (My chances hover around 99.8 percent — but then, that's me.) THINK ABOUT IT. When's the last time ANYBODY got laid on Easter? Or Armed Forces Day? Or god forbid, Sept. 11? That day has been officially declared "coitus verboten"!
And don't give me any guff about Valentine's Day being a sexier holiday. That day's fine if all you're interested in is banging the same person you've been sleeping with for the past couple of eternities. But I'm talking about HOT, DISGUISED, ANONYMOUS SEX — and for that, Halloween is virtually unbeatable!
Example: A couple of years ago, I dressed up like He-Man (from the Masters of the Universe cartoon) and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, I had to beat the partygoers off with my Sword of Greyskull. And a year before that, my Catholic schoolgirl's uniform was held largely responsible for a local uptick in unplanned pregnancies. And don't even get me started on the year I dressed up like Burt Reynolds. I'm still sore.
However! There are those among us who are interested in choosing a Halloween costume with the sole purpose of scaring the crap out of their fellow revelers. (Next to getting laid, that's the best part of the holiday.) And, as it turns out, I'm very creative when it comes to ideas for especially disturbing outfits! My advice for choosing the scariest costumes? Turn to TV for your inspiration! Nobody gives a crap about vampires and werewolves anymore. What really scares people is that uncomfortable, icky feeling you get from certain TV stars. Such as …
• HOWIE MANDEL from Deal or No Deal: Remember when Howie was an unfunny comedian with a Carrot Top 'fro? Now he's doubly unfunny and three times as smarmy as the bald host of the ridiculously unentertaining game show Deal or No Deal. Simply shave your head, wear a stupid suit and walk around with a numbered briefcase — and watch the party run in horror!
• JEFFREY SEBELIA from Project Runway: Nobody likes a hipster, and nobody especially likes one who yells at other people's mothers and sports glaring neck tattoos. Raid your local thrift store, paint the name of a loved one in gothic type on your neck, and scare the bejesus out of every fashion designer in the room.
• THE ENTIRE CAST OF STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP: Want to clear a fun party in 10 seconds flat? Then dress up as the cast of Studio 60 — the most abysmally bad and disappointing series of the year. Former wunderkind Aaron Sorkin may have been hot poop on china when he helmed Sports Night and The West Wing, but thanks to this boringly unfunny show, now he's a cold booger on a paper plate. And nothing's scarier than that!
• ANY CBS SITCOM WHERE THE STAR IS A FAT OR UNATTRACTIVE GUY WITH A HOT WIFE. 'Nuff said. Brrrrrrrrrrr!
Look at me, everybody! I'm Burt Reynolds!
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, OCT. 26
8 p.m. CW SMALLVILLE
In this flashback to school days, Oliver Queen picks on Lex. (Anybody who lets someone named Oliver Queen pick on them deserves what they get.)
8 p.m. ABC UGLY BETTY
For her Halloween costume, Ugly Betty disguises herself as pretty Betty.
FRIDAY, OCT. 27
8 p.m. CBS IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN
It's the 40th anniversary of this classic cartoon. Omigod. Does that mean I have to start taking Metamucil?
9 p.m. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
The Galactica gang holds secret tribunals to punish those pee-hole Cylon collaborators.
SATURDAY, OCT. 28
9 p.m. COM SHAUN OF THE DEAD
(Movie, 2004) Two limey schlubs take on a town full of shambling zombies!
SUNDAY, OCT. 29
8 p.m. TOON THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(Movie, 1993) It's Tim Burton's entertaining entry in the "creepy wooden puppet holiday special" canon.
10 p.m. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Bree gets very upset when she discovers Orson's serial-killer past. Nag, nag, nag!
MONDAY, OCT. 30
9 p.m. ABC WIFE SWAP
Things get witchy when a Wiccan high priestess switches places with a '50s-style housewife!
10 p.m. NBC HEROES
Superhero Claire meets her bio parents for the first time and informs them, "You just don't understand me!"
TUESDAY, OCT. 31
9 p.m. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
It's a nancy-boy dance-off when Mario López goes up against Joey Lawrence.
10 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS
OMG! Logan is in trouble AGAIN, when the underground campus casino gets robbed.
WEDNESDAY, NOV. 1
9 p.m. CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Missed any episodes this season? Get your fill of "fierce" with this catch-up clip show!
10 p.m. ABC LOST
Locke rallies the islanders to open up a can of whup-ass on the "Others."firstname.lastname@example.org