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I LOVE TELEVISION

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;Professional sports are for idiots. I simply have no other way of putting it. On the other hand, playing sports is a wonderful pastime I endorse wholeheartedly. See, professional sports are stupid because … HEY!! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?? Come back here RIGHT NOW and read the rest of this article! Yes, I agree it's going to be another of my "rambling Andy Rooney–style rants whose sole purpose is to infuriate and make one throw down the paper in disgust." But unless you read the following rambling Andy Rooney–;style rant, how are you going to know for sure? THANK YOU.

;

;Now … where was I? OH, YEAH! Professional sports are designed for fat turds who are too goddamn lazy to play sports themselves. (Notice how my rant is starting out more restrained than usual?) Sure, I watch a lot of TV, but the reason my honey-baked ham is tighter than a trampoline is because I play sports instead of watching them on the tube! Besides, most of the sports I play you'd never see on television … sports like nude red rover, or nude car-wash wrestling, or competing in the nude Special Olympics.

;

;Sadly, only non-nude and exceptionally boring sports make it onto TV: football, baseball, basketball and a bunch of hayseed-chewing hillbillies circling a racetrack. WHO GIVES A POOP? This is especially infuriating when we're in the middle of the most exciting time of year (the new fall TV season — DUH!), and everything grinds to a screeching halt because none of the networks want to compete with the most tediously retarded game ever invented, the Major League Baseball (MLB) playoffs (starting 8 p.m. Thursday, Fox). Again, I have nothing against playing the sport itself — especially when it's in the form of nude T-ball — but why must we be forced to endure these lard-ass, steroid-enhanced tobacco-chewers? AUGHH!! Professional sports are so STOOPID!!

;

;However, there are three shows to look forward to this week:

;

;• Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi, 9 p.m. Friday, Oct. 6). While all those tubby meatheads are slapping each other on the ass, I'll be staring at the sweetest interstellar booties on TV, courtesy of the brilliant, dark and super-cool BSG, returning for its third season. Still the best drama on TV!

;;• 30 Rock (NBC, 8 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 11). Here's a behind-the-scenes peek at a late-night sketch comedy show that'll make you yell, "Waitasecond — haven't I seen this before?" Yes, and it's called Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The difference is that this one stars Tina Fey (Saturday Night Live, Mean Girls), Tracy Morgan (SNL) and Alec Baldwin — and it's funny. Ironically, both are funnier than the actual SNL, which even at its worst is funnier than MLB.

;;• I Pity the Fool (TV Land, 10 p.m. Wednesday, Oct. 11). OMIGOD, this could be the most AWESOMEST reality show ever! Mr. T (Rocky III, The A-Team) travels the country dispensing advice to people in small towns, a la Dr. Phil — except Mr. T could easily pound that idiot Dr. Phil into a puddle of dumbass guts! (And that's a professional sport I could get behind!)

;;Anyone up for nude polo?

;

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

;;;;;;;;

;THURSDAY, OCT. 5

;;8 p.m. ABC UGLY BETTY

;;Betty loses the proofs for a very important edition of the magazine! Ugly and stupid? Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

;;

;8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE

;

;After Michael gets bitched out again by Jan, Dwight sees an opportunity for a power play.

;

;;FRIDAY, OCT. 6

;;9 p.m. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

;;Season premiere! Yay! It's two hours of BSG fun, when Adama plans a rescue of the Cylon prisoners, and suicide bombers make things difficult for everyone.

;;

;SATURDAY, OCT. 7

;;8 p.m. TOON FANTASTIC FOUR

;

;Reed accidentally shrinks the Fantastic Four — so you might want to put on your glasses.

;;

;8 p.m. MYTV DESIRE and ;FASHION HOUSE RECAP

;

;In case you want to catch up on the nightly soaps no one else is watching, here's your opportunity!

;;

;SUNDAY, OCT. 8

;;9 p.m. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

;

;Susan and Ian cavort in the country, while their lovers are in simultaneous comas. Somehow … that ain't right.

;;

;10 p.m. VH1 THE FLAVOR OF LOVE

;

;Catch up on all the catfightin' hilarity of this past ;season with this highlights episode!

;;

;MONDAY, OCT. 9

;;9 p.m. NBC HEROES

;

;Cheerleader Claire's invincibility puts a damper on her love life when her quarterback boyfriend is killed.

;;

;10 p.m. NBC STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP

;;For a show about producing a comedy, this isn't very funny. Try out 30 Rock, also debuting this week!

;;

;TUESDAY, OCT. 10

;;8 p.m. CW GILMORE GIRLS

;

;Lorelai realizes that her main motivation in life is pissing off her parents. So glad you could join the rest of us!

;;

;9 p.m. CW VERONICA MARS

;

;Veronica is hired by the campus newspaper to infiltrate a sorority house. Don't forget your negligee!

;;

;WEDNESDAY, OCT. 11

;;8 p.m. NBC 30 ROCK

;;Debut! Studio chief Alec Baldwin makes head writer Tina Fey's job at a late-night sketch comedy show a nightmare!

;;

;10 p.m. TVLAND I PITY THE FOOL

;;Debut! Mr. T teaches a car salesman about motivation by putting his head through a window.

steve@portlandmercury.com

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