Arts & Culture » I Love Television

I LOVE TELEVISION

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;[TO MY READERS: One thing that used to really annoy me about the Dear Abby advice column was her penchant for running the same columns over and over again — especially on holidays. However, now that I'm a columnist myself, I realize why she did it. Turns out you can repeat a particularly successful column until the cows come home — and keep getting paid for it! AWESOME! With that in mind, enjoy this special Fourth of July repeat column. Yer always pal, Humpy.]

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;Every year on July 4, I take a break from the rigors of "television journalism" to expound on the great country from whence I was born and inseminated. It's an opportunity to remember all the things that make America the greatest nation on Earth — like rubber-burning drag strips where hot-pants-wearing mamas flounce their fun bags in terry-cloth tube tops, and, of course, our God-given right to vote with our conscience on Election Day (which is especially gratifying when jerks like Clay Aiken LOSE).

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;HOWEVER! There are two things that would befoul my annual "America: Why I Love Her" column, and they are: 1) unpatriotic editors who insist I mention "something … ANYTHING about television," and 2) a certain president of the United States who has taken my super-patriotic mood and blown all over it with his ass cheeks.

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;One of these concerns is easily solved. HEY EVERYBODY! Watch TV this week! I hear that Desperate Housewives is good.

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;Now, on to the second concern. Thanks to our president and his obsession with bombing the crap out of a country that can't manufacture a decent pop song, much less "weapons of mass destruction," I'm having a little trouble whipping up my usual patriotic fervor. And I've tried everything! Drinking a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, launching a battery of bottle rockets at groups of longhaired hippies — I even had sex with a Russkie. (Hey! The "cold" war is over, baby!) And still nothing. My patriotism has gone all floppy!

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;But I will be goddamned if I'm gonna let those jerkos in Washington ruin my favorite holiday of the year! And the one surefire way of combating their brand of "patriotism" is to become a SUPER-PATRIOT. And that means celebrating the really fun freedoms that the Bush administration hates — like sodomy. And likker. And nude go-go dancing. And BB-gun shooting. And playing loud rock & roll music. And fellating a corn dog. And worshiping really weird religions like witchcraft, voodoo and Mormonism. And wearing tight T-shirts that say, "Kiss My Ass!" And wearing tight miniskirts that say, "Kiss My Ass!" And popping wheelies on motorcycles. And buying Dixie Chicks records. And making obscene art, music and gestures. And peeing where you shouldn't pee.
;And sticking your thing in places where it shouldn't be stuck. And licking those things that shouldn't be licked. And taking patriotism back from those flag-waving bottom-holes who place "making a buck" before what's best for our country.

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;That's how I roll in MY America. And by the way, it's your country, too. So let freedom — OUR kind of freedom — forever fawking ring.

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;Who stole my "Kiss My Ass" miniskirt?

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THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

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THURSDAY, JUNE 29
; 9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
; Michael burns his foot on his George Foreman grill in what is perhaps the funniest half-hour of TV this year!
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;;10 P.M. FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN
;PHILADELPHIA

;Season Premiere! It's the two-hour return of this very funny comedy about four amoral pals in Philly.
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;FRIDAY, JUNE 30
;8 P.M. FOX 24
;After Jack brutally tortures his girlfriend's ex-husband, he finds his relationship with her is strained. Weird.
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;SATURDAY, JULY 1
;8 P.M. WB DIRTY DANCING
;(Movie, 1987) Hunky Patrick Swayze teaches hot moves to underage Jennifer Grey! Never has statutory rape been so sexy.
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;;9 P.M. SPIKE ULTIMATE FIGHT NIGHT
;It's the ultimate fighting championships — an event that demonstrates Darwinism at its most satisfying.
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;SUNDAY, JULY 2
;8 P.M. FX STARSKY & HUTCH
;(Movie, 2004) Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson re-create TV's most homoerotic cop duo!
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;;9 P.M. PBS GREAT PERFORMANCES
;Garrison Keillor hosts the July 4 installment of A Prairie Home Companion. If that sentence doesn't make you want to blow your brains out, you might enjoy it.
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;MONDAY, JULY 3
;10 P.M. ESPN2 U.S. COMPETITIVE
;EATING CHAMPIONSHIP
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It's an all-out pig-out when the country's hungriest compete for gastronomical greatness.
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;TUESDAY, JULY 4
;9 P.M. NBC MACY'S FIREWORK
;SPECTACULAR
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For all those who aren't being harassed by your drunken neighbor's fireworks display.
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;;10 P.M. ABC AN AMERICAN CELEBRATION
;AT FORD'S THEATER
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Stars are asked to entertain the president and first lady — which means, "Dumb it down." Waaaay down.
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;WEDNESDAY, JULY 5
;8 P.M. CBS ROCK STAR
;Season Premiere! Another "lucky" nobody is chosen to be the lead singer of a washed-up band of "superstars."
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;;9 P.M. PBS AMERICAN MASTERS
;Director Marty Scorsese documents the life of mumbling rock icon Bob Dylan. Hey, Marty! Subtitles might be nice.


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