Almost every single week I'm inundated with letters much like this one:
"Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: Who do I have to orally gratify in order to see David Hasselhoff in a new television show? O! I do adore David Hasselhoff, and often imagine my weary head resting in his soft, silky back hair. In my dreams, David Hasselhoff and I skip gaily through fields of clover, race shopping carts down frozen-food aisles or assist the police in solving a murder. But when I awake, the question is always the same: Where is David Hasselhoff?! Even TV is disappointing when there is only the occasional Baywatch or Knight Rider repeat to quench the fire eternally burning within my pants. Why aren't there any NEW shows starring David Hasselhoff? And — as mentioned earlier — who do I have to orally gratify in order to make such a show happen?
Signed, A Concerned Reader.
P.S. It would be best if I could administer the oral gratification via e-mail — my work schedule is very busy."
Dear "Concerned Reader": You're preaching to the choir, baby! It's unfathomable that Hasselhoff isn't allowed his own TV show — let alone his own network. Did you see this season's American Idol grand finale? When that Jay Leno look-alike Taylor Hicks was crowned the winner, the camera cut to a quick shot of David Hasselhoff in the audience crying like a baby. It took a moment for me to recognize him (at first I wondered, "Why is my long-lost lesbian aunt crying about Taylor Hicks?"), but when I did, I was overcome with impotent rage.
"How dare you, TV?" I screamed. "How dare you deny the world this living, breathing bundle of hirsute emotion? I ask — nay, DEMAND — that David Hasselhoff be prominently featured on some sort of reality TV program … preferably one where people are competing for large amounts of cash! Like … ohhh … I don't know… some kind of talent show!" And just like that, my prayers — and those of a Hasselhoff-starved nation — were answered. This Wednesday (8 p.m. June 21, NBC), David Hasselhoff triumphantly returns to primetime in a new show titled America's Got Talent.
An old-fashioned talent show, America's Got Talent features jugglers, dancers, comedians and an assortment of freaks who refuse to be classified. Each will be required to strut their stuff for a panel of judges which includes Moesha (or "Brandy" as some of you insist on calling her) and "U.K. television/media personality" Piers Morgan — who I suppose will be the resident "English dick."
BUT WAIT! THERE'S ALSO HASSELHOFF! See, it'll be David's job to carefully judge each contestant to see who can come closest to achieving a Hasselhoffian level of awesomeness. (An impossible task? You bet your ass. But it'll be hilarious to watch them try.) Then the most talented person in America (next to Hasselhoff) will win a million dollars (that's 59 million less than what Hasselhoff makes), and then they'll die, happily knowing that for one brief shining moment they basked in the hairy glow of the one, the only, DAVID MOTHERFREAKING HASSELHOFF.
P.S. You can send that oral gratification directly to me. After all, the show was my idea.
We want Hasselhoff! We want Hasselhoff!THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB:
THURSDAY, JUNE 15
8:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE
The poop hits the fan when Michael starts monitoring employee e-mails.
10 p.m. BBCA HEX
Miss Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Check out this scary and SEXY new teen drama about modern-day witches!
FRIDAY, JUNE 16
8 p.m. FOX 24
For those who missed it, here's the opportunity to watch this season's run of 24 starting over again tonight!
SATURDAY, JUNE 17
8 p.m. ABC LADY AND THE TRAMP
(Movie, 1955) Walt Disney's original playa (Tramp) dogs out an upper-class cocker spaniel.
8 p.m. SPIKE CARPOCALYPSE
The demo derby drivers must race (and smash) a fleet of Cadillacs!
SUNDAY, JUNE 18
8 p.m. NBC TREASURE HUNTERS
Debut! Ten teams of explorers are on a worldwide hunt for buried treasure — and if you're not bored already, you will be!
9:30 p.m. FOX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Check out this very funny cable comedy about borderline sociopaths running a bar in Philly.
MONDAY, JUNE 19
8 p.m. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
A stressed-out chef can't take the heat and is forced out of the kitchen!
10 p.m. ABC HOW TO GET THE GUY
Four single gals battle to find one (JUST ONE!) decent guy.
TUESDAY, JUNE 20
9 p.m. NBC LAST COMIC STANDING
The comics think they can handle anything — until a "heckle challenge" makes them cry like babies!
9 p.m. PBS FRONTLINE
A behind-the-scenes peek at the pissing matches between veep Dick Cheney and CIA director George Tenet.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21
8 p.m. CBS BIG BROTHER: ALL STARS
Debut! Twenty former Big Brother contestants return to ruin their lives once again.
9 p.m. NBC AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
Debut! Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff! (Did I mention I love Hasselhoff?)Debut! Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff! (Did I mention I love Hasselhoff?)