Arts & Culture » I Love Television

I LOVE TELEVISION

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You know, the really interesting thing about television is … is … GodDAMMIT! Can you please put down that video game controller and listen to me? It really hurts my feelings when I try to pretend I know something about television, and YOU'RE too busy mashing buttons on that stupid video game machine to pay attention. Don't you understand?? I have feelings! I have needs! And as such, I demand res … NO, I will NOT move out from in front of the screen! Why don't you MOVE OUT? OF OUR HOUSE! That's right: I ain't got no time for any triflin' loafers in my life. Need help carrying your bags? Well, ask your friend Donkey Kong! I SAID, GET OUT!!!

And … scene.

Hello, everyone. I'm Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, and what you just witnessed was a short skit about the dangers of video game addiction. Video game addiction can strike anyone — at anytime. Think only pimply-faced boys play video games? Think again. A recent study showed that women over the age of 40 actually spend more time per week playing online games than men and TEENS. You hear that, Mom? Get your ass BACK in the kitchen and heat me up a Hot Pocket!!

Just kidding. My mother's dead — but the point I'm trying to make is very serious indeed. With menopausal women shoving teens and emotionally stunted men off the couch in order to play video games — that means there's LESS time for you and I to watch actual TV shows! And video game makers are actually making things WORSE by catering to these women. According to a recent news story, Buena Vista Games is coming out with a game based on ABC's dumbfoundingly popular show, Desperate Housewives. (I only wish I were kidding.)

The Desperate Housewives game is due out in September, and plays a lot like The Sims. In the game, you are a new housewife moving onto Wisteria Lane, which means you have the following jobs to accomplish: gossip, lie, steal, sleep with someone else's husband and possibly commit murder. ("Boring people to death" is another hallmark of the show, but they're not advertising that aspect.)

You can also fully customize your character's home (selecting furniture and upgrading appliances) and even how you look, choosing from "hundreds of facial features, body types and clothing options." NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE! Finally, I can cross-dress without getting all those dirty looks from my mother — in heaven. (God! Why can't she mind her own business??) Plus players can compete in "mini-games" such as a cooking competition and a gardening challenge. WOW. Don't forget the "suicide challenge," wherein you realize you're playing a game that is even more boring than your ACTUAL LIFE.

For the love of Keeee-rist, why can't these video game designers pick a more interesting subject … like, oh, I don't know … ME? In the I Love Television™ game, players would LOOK JUST LIKE ME, and compete in the following events: 1) Bang the mayor's daughter; 2) "borrow" cars and not return them; 3) convert college students to homosexuality; 4) fight aliens; and 5) maybe watch a little TV. You know, JUST LIKE REAL LIFE!

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB:

THURSDAY, JUNE 1
8 P.M. ABC NATIONAL SPELLING BEE
Adorable nerds from around the country compete to spell "disenstablish …", "desinstab …." Oh, forget it.

8 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE MINI-MARATHON
Four awesome episodes of this very funny series starring Steve Carrell.

FRIDAY, JUNE 2
8 P.M. FOX LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER
(Movie, 2001) Angelina Jolie stars as the video-game hottie, who must accomplish two things: Save the world and augment her breasts.

SATURDAY, JUNE 3
8 P.M. SPIKE CARPOCALYPSE
Season Premiere! A surprisingly sweet and fun reality show about actual demolition-derby drivers.

8:30 P.M. FOX COPS
The cops are called to a fast-food restaurant when a shirtless, inebriated man doesn't get it "his way."

SUNDAY, JUNE 4
9 P.M. HBO THE SOPRANOS
Season Finale! What?? Already? When's the next season debut — in 2047?

9 P.M. CBS OCEAN'S ELEVEN
(Movie, 2001) George Clooney and crew knock over Vegas in this fun caper flick.

MONDAY, JUNE 5
8 P.M. NBC DEAL OR NO DEAL
Hosted by Howie Mandel, and this week guest starring Celine Dion? If you want me to kill myself, just say so!

9:30 P.M. NBC THE APPRENTICE
Season Finale! Apparently, this lame-ass show is still on the air and having its season finale tonight. Zzzzzzz …

TUESDAY, JUNE 6
9 P.M. BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST
Season Premiere! Gossip-lovin' Kathy Griffin is back to once again reveal why she's the most hated comedian in Hollywood.

10 P.M. OXY THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING AGENCY
Debut! America's weirdest model teaches up-and-comers how to break into the business!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 7
10:30 P.M. COM DOG BITES MAN
Debut! An improv group tricks real people into thinking they are an actual investigative news team.

10:30 P.M. MTV CHEYENNE
Another reality show about another 16-year-old trying to break into the music business. God, MAKE IT STOP!!


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