There oughta be a law! I think it's despicable that TV shows are allowed to keep certain characters alive season after season after season. I'm certainly not allowed that luxury! In fact, I live in constant fear of getting bumped off at any moment — whether I'm being hit by a bus, murdered by a vengeful lover or snorting an expired can of hairspray. Sometimes all three at once! So if I can be callously killed without warning, then why does the hot wife on King of Queens get carte blanche to live as long as she likes? Because she's hot? While that's certainly solid reasoning, it's totally UNFAIR!!
However: I am a reasonable man. And as such, I am willing to agree to keep promoting "TV shows" if they will promise to KILL OFF ONE MAJOR CHARACTER AT THE END OF EVERY SEASON. Not pretend to kill off, only to be mysteriously revived and beautified with plastic surgery — I'm talking killed, snuffed, murderfied, never-to-be-seen-again DEAD. Let's take this week's season finales, just for example …
• The O.C. (third-season finale, Fox, 9 p.m. Thursday, May 18) Who should die on The O.C. this season? That's an easy one: MARISSA COOPER (Mischa Barton). After spending three years being directly responsible for ruining the lives of practically everyone on the show (and for constantly annoying me with her stupid deviated septum), Marissa should succumb to some sort of overdose. Preferably via expired hairspray can.
• Alias (series finale, ABC, 9 p.m. Monday, May 22) Oh, I get it. Alias thinks because it's their SERIES finale, they're exempt from any killing-off-character duties. Well, BULL-POOP. Since they're going off the air forever, why not go out with a bang and kill ALL the characters? Wait: Not Jennifer Garner. She can survive if she spends the entire episode in her underpants.
• 24 (fifth-season finale, Fox, 8 p.m. Monday, May 22) Now here's a show that doesn't need any help killing people. This season alone, they've killed off President Palmer, Michelle Dessler, fat Edgar — even former I Love Television™ TV Character of the Year™ Tony Almeida! (Sob!) But on the other hand, why stop now? Perhaps during this week's season finale, the terrorists should finally get their way and MURDER AMERICA! (OK, fine. Just middle America.)
• American Idol (fifth-season finale, Fox, 8 p.m. Wednesday, May 24) OH, THE POSSIBILITIES. Randy Jackson could be saying, "Yo, yo, dawg. Check it out …" when a 40-pound klieg light falls on his head. Ryan Seacrest could tumble off the stage after slipping in his own hair mousse. Simon Cowell should live, because he's the only person capable of telling these losers how much they suck, and Paula Abdul is already a scooch away from a tranquilizer overdose — so let's just let nature take its course, shall we?
• Lost (second-season finale, ABC, 9 p.m. Wednesday, May 24) Since this show isn't afraid of killing off major characters, they should MURDER THEIR ENTIRE WRITING STAFF. Look, everyone knows this story isn't going anywhere, so the writers should do the right thing and hurl themselves into the mouth of an angry polar bear. And not an imaginary polar bear, either!
Live and let die.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, MAY 18
9 P.M. FOX THE O.C.
Season Finale! Ryan's trailer-trash mom shows up for graduation! Quelle embarrassment!
9 P.M. NBC WILL & GRACE
Series Finale! Will and Grace decide whether or not they'll ever see each other again. Here, let me help: DON'T!
FRIDAY, MAY 19
8 P.M. CBS DR. PHIL: ESCAPING DANGER
Dr. Phil teaches victims how to escape danger with his chameleon-like talent of looking like a pear.
9:30 P.M. MTV2 WONDER SHOWZEN
Season Finale! Trust me — this episode of the world's most offensive kids' show will be extra offensive!
SATURDAY, MAY 20
8:30 P.M. FOX COPS
It's the 650th episode of Cops! (Crap! Since I missed the last 649, I won't know what's going on!)
11:30 P.M. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Superman Returns' Kevin Spacey and the singer who should've never returned, Nelly Furtado.
SUNDAY, MAY 21
9 P.M. NBC 10.5: APOCALYPSE
(Movie, 2006) A rash of deadly earthquakes attacks a cast of TV wash-ups (including Dean Cain and Melissa Sue Anderson).
9 P.M. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Season Finale! Susan moves into a trailer, and … oh, come on. Nobody watches this show anymore.
MONDAY, MAY 22
8 P.M. FOX 24
Season Finale! Jack has two hours to stop the terrorists so he can finally go to the bathroom.
9 P.M. ABC ALIAS
Series Finale! Sydney turns in her resignation and hangs up her underwear.
TUESDAY, MAY 23
9 P.M. FOX HOUSE
Season Finale! A disgruntled patient shoots Dr. House — and his insurance won't cover it because "being an asshole" was "a pre-existing condition."
WEDNESDAY, MAY 24
8 P.M. FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season Finale! Tonight, another Idol will be crowned and then escorted to the unemployment line.
9 P.M. ABC LOST
Season Finale! It's the two-hour finale, and Jack and Sayid hatch a sufficiently stupid plan to rescue Walt!