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I Love Television

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Puff Daddy … P. Diddy … Diddy Daddy … Squiddly Diddly … whatever it is you're calling yourself nowadays? You've lost all your street cred, "yo"! Gone are the days when you and Jennifer Lopez could smoke endo in the hot tub with the Notorious B.I.G. and pay off bodyguards to hide your small weapons arsenal from the five-oh. Lately you've been sipping Courvoisier with "The Big Honky Man," and I'm very disappointed! (Yes, yes, I realize that technically I'm also a "honky man" – but don't stop me, I'm on a roll!)

This week is the debut of the new show you've produced, titled Celebrity Cooking Showdown (NBC, 8 p.m. Monday) – a concept so incredibly "honky" it makes Barry Manilow look like Barry White. The show pairs real-life chefs (Wolfgang Puck, Cat Cora and Govind Armstrong) with a gang of celebrity wash-ups (including football star Tony Gonzalez, rapper Ja Rule, TV's not-very-funny-man Tom Arnold and supermodel Naomi Campbell – OK, she's a great choice, because someone's going to end up being bludgeoned with a frying pan).

After being trained by the real-life chefs, the celebs will compete in twos, with one wash-up being eliminated each night. Then the top two contestants will battle it out in an Iron Chef-style grand finale to see who's the better cook, and if anyone in the world will give two poops who wins this stupid competition. I mean, C'MON! I'm the first to admit I popped a cucumber in my pants over Dancing With the Stars and a mini-carrot over Skating With Celebrities – but there are two VERY WRONG THINGS going on here. ONE! These has-been celebs are has-beens for very good reasons, and are taking fame directly out of the mouths of "normal" reality contestants such as Omarosa and those alcoholic teenage girls on The Real World. TWO! If you're going to put these hacks in uncomfortable situations, don't choose COOKING. Dream up something really disturbing, such as …

Celebrity Gut-Busters! – Formerly skinny stars compete against each other to see who can eat the most crap. Chuck Norris versus Steven Seagal in the 72-ounce steak eat-off! Golden Girls' Rue McClanahan goes up against Adrienne Barbeau to see who can down the most Hot Pockets. And the Baldwin brothers take on dead Chris Farley and dead Chris Penn to see who can stay away from a bucket of chicken.

Who Wants To Be Kicked by a Donkey? – A deviously simple concept: Celebrities line up and get kicked in the face by a donkey. Whoever's standing at the end of the show wins. My dream lineup: Gene Simmons of KISS, Dr. Phil, the cast of Grey's Anatomy and that country and Western asshole Toby Keith.

Stay Awake With P. Diddy – Washed-up celebrities get to play producer and listen to Diddy pitch dumb-ass, honkified show ideas at them all day long. The contestant who can stay awake without slitting his/her own throat wins a year's worth of Proactiv Acne Solution and an unfulfilling relationship with Jennifer Lopez, and has any and all gun charges dropped for an entire year! Naomi Campbell would be perfect.

Would YOU like to be kicked by a donkey?
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, APRIL 13
9 P.M. FOX THE O.C.
Ryan hooks it up with one of the waitresses from his mom's café! That's right … kiss his grits!

9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
A painfully funny repeat wherein Michael awards the employees of Dunder-Mifflin at a ceremony entitled "The Dundies."

FRIDAY, APRIL 14
8 P.M. WB SURVIVAL OF THE RICHEST
When the rich kids have to work at a homeless shelter, they fear they may catch "poor cooties."

9:30 P.M. MTV2 WONDER SHOWZEN
Don't forget! This hilarious (and dirty!) parody of kids' shows is now in its offensive second season!

SATURDAY, APRIL 15
8 P.M. WB THE MESSENGER
(Movie, 1999) Milla Jovovich stars as the sexiest Joan of Arc EVER! In fact, she makes ME see God!

11:30 P.M. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Lindsay Lohan hosts, and makes fun of drug use and bulimia. HAW! HILARIOUS!

SUNDAY, APRIL 16
8 P.M. NBC THE WEST WING
Washed-up co-stars from past West Wing episodes show up for Leo's funeral. Oh, hello ROB LOWE.

10 P.M. ABC WHAT ABOUT BRIAN
Debut! A single guy refuses to grow up. Hey, the networks have finally discovered "slackers."

MONDAY, APRIL 17
9 P.M. FOX 24
Martial law is still in effect, making it very difficult for Jack to kill terrorists after curfew.

TUESDAY, APRIL 18
8 P.M. WB GILMORE GIRLS
Zach and Lane's pre-wedding parties are ruined because of Stars Hollow's lack of sufficient prostitutes.

8 P.M. FOX AMERICAN IDOL
It's down to the final seven, which means all of us who have been bored crapless with this show can finally start watching.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19
8 P.M. ABC ALIAS
Yay! It's the two-hour return of Alias. (Oh, is that show still on the air?)

10:30 P.M. MTV TIARA GIRLS
Debut! A searing look into the world of beauty pageants (the only place where Vaseline is intended for teeth).


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