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I Love Television

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Though my reputation may lead you to believe otherwise, I do not wish "death" upon anyone. OK, maybe I do wish death upon Dr. Phil – but C'MON! That balding, pear-shaped dickhole is a blight upon humankind, and needs to have his head shoved into the bottom of a gastrointestinally challenged donkey. Then, after forcing Dr. Phil to eat his way out, I would administer no less than 75 paper cuts in between his toes, and drop him into a vat of rubbing alcohol and battery acid. But hey! I'm not a cruel man – that's why I would sympathetically and quickly end his life with a jalapeño enema. Does anyone have a fire hose?

Oh, don't you DARE look at me like I'm a jerk! If you've been watching the hit show 24 lately (Fox, 9 p.m. Mondays), then you know they've been killing off our fave characters with the gusto of a fat kid guzzling down a can of Hershey's syrup. They've already killed poor President Palmer and hottie former CTU agent Michelle Dessler. And in recent weeks, terrorists have gassed most of the CTU staff out of existence, including chubby comic relief Edgar and annoying bossman Lynn McGill. But the most shocking death was stud-monkey and former I Love Television™ "TV Character of the Year" Tony Almeida (Carlos Bernard), who was unceremoniously stabbed by that prick Peter Weller (in his best role since RoboCop).

Why the wholesale slaughter? According to 24's exec producer Howard Gordon (in TV Guide), "You run out of road with a character and then boom, you've got to clean house. Even our regulars are not immune." THANK YOU, HOWARD GORDON. He knows that TV shows eventually run out of creative juice because producers are too chickenshit to do the right thing and kill off major (and boring) characters. In fact, I can think of a pantload of characters that need to be killed – and the sooner the better! For example…

• Marissa on The O.C. (Fox, 9 p.m. Thursdays). Marissa Cooper has got to go! This walking case of postnasal drip has been inadvertently destroying lives on The O.C. since the get-go – and still? Everyone acts like it's not her fault that Ryan keeps getting into trouble, and surfer Johnny was crippled and then hopped off a cliff! O.C. producers: MURDER MARISSA COOPER – BEFORE SHE KILLS AGAIN!

• The entire cast of Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 10 p.m. Sundays) Question: For the sweet love of Christ, what do people see in this show?!? Any time these characters open their stupid mouths, I want to stick a pencil in my eye! And so … they must be stopped! (Maybe 24 can lend the Anatomy producers some of that poison gas?)

• BJ and Tyler from The Amazing Race (CBS, 10 p.m. Tuesdays) OK, so they're not actual "TV characters" – but they are HIPPIES. And I fawking HATE hippies! You can almost smell the patchouli whenever these two longhaired, dope-huffing, Burning Man burnouts make an onscreen appearance. To the producers of The Amazing Race: I will happily help you guys lure these stinky hippies into some sort of unfortunate "accident." In fact, I'll even provide the gastrointestinally challenged donkey!

Have gastrointestinally challenged donkey, will travel.
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

THURSDAY, MARCH 30
8 P.M. NBC WILL & GRACE
Britney Spears guests stars as a right-wing Republican Christian. (Surprised?)

8 P.M. WB SMALLVILLE
Lex tries to split up Lana and Clark by tempting him with a sweet piece of booty (not his own).

FRIDAY, MARCH 31
8 P.M. WB SURVIVAL OF THE RICHEST
Debut! Rich kids and poor kids team up to see if they can work together. BOOOO, rich kids!

9:30 P.M. MTV2 WONDER SHOWZEN
Season Premiere! The naughtiest kids' show in the world returns for another hilarious season! Recommended!

SATURDAY, APRIL 1
9 P.M. SCI SS DOOMTROOPER
(Movie, 2006) Nazi scientists pull the meanest April Fool's joke ever: creating a race of super soldiers to invade America!

SUNDAY, APRIL 2
10 P.M. VH1 SO NOTORIOUS
Debut! Tori Spelling (Beverly Hills 90210) returns in this funny sitcom about life as a failed teen star!

10 P.M. HBO BIG LOVE
Don't miss this smart, sexy soap about a poor, fallen Mormon with three wives. It's the polygamiest!

MONDAY, APRIL 3
9 P.M. FOX 24
Jack runs off half-cocked in a desperate attempt to capture that evil prick Peter Weller!

10:30 P.M. MTV CALL TO GREATNESS
Debut! More jackassery, as a busload of daredevils set out to break the most ridiculous records in the book.

TUESDAY, APRIL 4
9 P.M. WB PEPPER DENNIS
Debut! Sexy Rebecca Romijn stars as a reporter working her way up the corporate ladder. My prediction: four weeks until cancellation.

9 P.M. CBS THE UNIT
Don't miss this hilariously bad military drama written by David Mamet! Boo-yah!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5
9 P.M. UPN VERONICA MARS
Weevil finally asks for Veronica's help in solving the murder of his pal Felix.

9 P.M. ABC LOST
The prisoner reveals secrets about the bunker, making Locke feel like a big, dumb jerk.


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