Let's imagine you've got a rare brain disease that makes you spit out obscenities at inopportune moments, strip down to your underpants in public and sleep with people whom you normally consider to be unattractive. (Hmmm … this disease is sounding awfully familiar.) OK, now imagine having the opportunity to take on NFL Heisman Trophy winner Herschel Walker in a game of badminton and Herschel really SUCKS at badminton. And as long as you're imagining things, imagine this: You are so completely bored with being a white person (and who could blame you?) that you hire a professional makeup person to color your skin so you can pass for black. (Don't forget to take off those Hush Puppies, honky.)
Well! Thanks to the magic of NEW TELEVISION SERIES™, those dreams can now become a reality! It's time once again for TV's "March Madness," when all the networks trot out their midseason replacements, which replace all the crappy stuff that's already been canceled! (So long, Emily's Reasons Why Not.) Here are just a few of the shows debuting this week each designed to make your deepest (and sometimes darkest) fantasies come true!
Miracle Workers (ABC, debuts 10 p.m. Monday, March 6) Here's the perfect show for you 46 million people in America without health insurance. A team of expert doctors picks out two poor people a week and cures whatever's ailing them FOR FREE! (Kind of like Extreme Makeover for people with gout.) Tears and blood will flow when these generous physicians fix your clubfoot, seeping chest wound and severe case of the rickets. (You really should have that clubfoot looked at. It's really not sexy when you're dragging it around my bedroom.)
Pros vs. Joes (Spike, debuts 10 p.m. Monday, March 6) Some of the biggest names in professional-sports retirement Jerry Rice, Karl Malone, Bo Jackson, Herschel Walker and more compete in a variety of sports against slovenly, beer-drinking NOBODIES … like your dad. Howl with glee as your drunken father is knocked on his big fat ass by Herschel Walker in a game of touch football. "HA! That's for calling me 'crybaby loser' when I was 7 and struck out in the final inning of the Tee-Ball League Championships. I hate you, Daddy! I HATE YOU, HATE YOU, HATE YOU!"
Black. White. (FX, debuts 10 p.m. Wednesday, March 8) News flash! If you are a black person, you are considered "different" than a white person. For example: Your food tastes better, your music sounds better, your catch phrases are better and your asses look better. Not that you don't get your share of "hassles" from "the man" … but c'mon. Your asses really do look awesome. Anyway, leave it to FX to explore this racial dynamic with Black. White. a new show in which professional makeup artists disguise a black family to look like crackers and vice versa. Plus the two families live together in order to share tips on how to "pass" in public as a Caucasian or African-American!
(Just in case you're curious, here's a tip for passing as a honky: Get a job reviewing TV shows for an alternative weekly! We put the "HONK" in "honky"!)
Honk, honk, HONKY!
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, MARCH 2
9 P.M. FOX SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES
Season Finale! OK, washed-up celebs! This is your final chance to entertain us by busting your head on the ice!
9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
Michael gives Dwight tips on public speaking; butt-clenching embarrassment ensues!
FRIDAY, MARCH 3
10 P.M. NBC CONVICTION
Debut! Young hot lawyers get it on in this sexified version of Law & Order.
10 P.M. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
The Galactica discovers a habitable planet in Part One of the two-part season finale!
SATURDAY, MARCH 4
9 P.M. IFC INDEPENDENT SPIRIT AWARDS
The Independent Film Channel presents this artsy-fartsy film award ceremony hosted by (yay!) Sarah Silverman!
11:30 P.M. NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Calling all nerds! Get a fresh pair of underpants, because Natalie Portman is the host.
SUNDAY, MARCH 5
8 P.M. ABC THE ACADEMY AWARDS
Hosted by Jon Stewart. Right, as if you were going to be watching something else!
MONDAY, MARCH 6
10 P.M. ABC MIRACLE WORKERS
Debut! The docs cure a person's blindness. Fine, but who's gonna lance my boil?
10 P.M. SPIKE PROS VS. JOES
Debut! Couch potatoes take on former sports gods to see who has the bigger beer belly.
TUESDAY, MARCH 7
9 P.M. CBS THE UNIT
Debut! Dennis Haysbert (Prez Palmer from 24) stars as the leader of a CIA team that actually helps people.
10:30 P.M. MTV 8TH & OCEAN
Debut! A new reality show about hot models sitting around a house looking hot.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 8
8 P.M. UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season Premiere! Tyra is back with a new pack of catfightin' bitches! Meee-OW!
10 P.M. BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY
Season Finale! Heidi Klum declares a winner and says "auf wiedersehen" to the losers!