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I Love Television

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Sure, I write a LOT of stuff in this column that just … doesn't … make … sense. I realize that. I'm not stupid. However, today I'm going to talk about two separate TV events that may appear to be – at the outset – completely unrelated. BUT THEY AREN'T! They are irrevocably entwined – it just won't seem that way at first. So, for once, can't you just trust me? Can't you put aside all my lies and deceit and bear with me one last time? THANKS.

The Winter Olympics! It's like the real Olympics, except colder, and all the hot booty is buried beneath 20 pounds of breathable polymer. AND IT'S ALSO A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. For me, the point of any Olympic sport is to train the person in question to escape a real-life crisis. For example: the javelin. One could escape death by throwing a javelin into the eye of a marauding bear – therefore, the "javelin" has a "point." (Heh.) Similarly, one could lob a shot-put into the eye of a marauding bear, and then escape via any number of Olympic events including the 100-yard dash, bicycle racing or even pole vaulting. Conversely, when it comes to escaping a furious, half-blind bear, "rhythmic gymnastics" aren't going to be of much help.

See, sports are nothing but old-timey survival mechanisms – and that goes for winter sports as well! While one might ski away from a bear (as in downhill racing), pulling a snowboard fakie 360 in a half-pipe is an express ticket to a bear's intestinal tract. DO YOU GET MY POINT? While regular Olympic sports are mostly useless, the Winter Olympics are EXTRA-SUPER USELESS!! Next topic.

Arrested Development! Clearly the best comedy on television, and if you are stupid enough to disagree, then you deserve whatever horrible fate awaits you. This valiant comedy, which documented the hilarious travails of the Bluth family, struggled along for three seasons with absolutely no help from its parent network, Fox. And 8 p.m. this Friday (Feb. 10) could be Arrested Development's final showing EVER – and they're going out with a bang! FOUR back-to-back BRAND-NEW episodes, including episodes guest-starring Jason "Michael" Bateman's real-life sister, Justine (who we all remember as Mallory in Family Ties). It will be a bittersweet goodbye, as there is no word on whether AD will be picked up by any other networks. (ABC and Showtime have expressed interest – but that's far from any guarantee.)

NOW. As promised, I shall magically link the previous two topics. Another reason why I hate the Winter Olympics is that the opening ceremonies are scheduled during the Arrested Development grand finale! This was the comedy's last chance to grab some impressive ratings to show off to potential buyers and Fox schedules it against one of the most-watched events of the decade! THOSE DICKS. However! There's still some hope; tell everyone you know to ignore the Olympics in favor of Arrested Development, and I'll see what I can do to FedEx an angry one-eyed marauding bear to the guilty Fox executives. (Don't worry – so they can defend themselves, I'll be sure to include a rhythmic-gymnastics ribbon.)

Home of the marauding one-eyed bear.
steve@portlandmercury.com

THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB

FRIDAY, FEB. 10
8 p.m. FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Series finale? The last four episodes of the best comedy ever – back to back!

10 p.m. SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Guest star Dana Delaney takes hostages with the intent of bumping off Cylon Boomer!

SATURDAY, FEB. 11
8 p.m. NBC WINTER OLYMPICS
"One-Eyed Bear" Test Results: Alpine skiing – yes. Figure skating – no. Luge – probably.

9 p.m. SCI HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2
(Movie, 2005) Brain-eating zombies take over a college campus – leading to the most AWESOME kegger ever!

SUNDAY, FEB. 12
8 p.m. BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
Comedian Dave Chappelle (who isn't really an actor, is he??) is profiled.

MONDAY, FEB. 13
8 p.m. FOX SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES
Wouldn't it be great if the final three celebrities had to share the ice with an angry one-eyed bear?

9 p.m. FOX 24
President Logan gives Jack his old job back at CTU – but his cubicle is right next to the bathroom!

TUESDAY, FEB. 14
9 p.m. CBS DR. PHIL: LOVE SMART
The morbidly obese "psychologist" gives people advice on how to keep their relationships healthy. First tip: NEVER LISTEN TO DR. PHIL!

10 P.M. FX THE SHIELD
To keep an eye on the Strike Team, Kavanaugh (Forest Whitaker) packs his toothbrush and moves into the Barn.

WEDNESDAY, FEB. 15
9 p.m. UPN VERONICA MARS
Veronica is hired to find out who's trying to blackmail Neptune's gay teens!

9 p.m. ABC LOST
Sayid suspects phony baloney when he finds a mysterious stranger tied up in the jungle.


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