OK, nothing new or interesting is coming on this week. BUT WAIT! Just because TV has once again let you down, that's no reason to take your fury out on me. As you know, my success depends on your reading this column on a weekly basis whether I have anything interesting to say or not.
But since I'm desperate enough to employ "guilt" as a marketing tactic, think of it this way: Whenever you choose not to read I Love Television™, one of my many illegitimate children scattered across the country goes without supper. Or a video iPod.
That's why I've decided to publish the first ever I Love Television™ Readers' Poll™. See, polls are great, because they give me the chance to learn about YOU i.e., your wants, your fears, your needs. I'll then take your information, feed it into a fancy computer and use the resulting knowledge to get inside your pants. You will be impregnated yes, even you guys! and forced to raise yet another of the illegitimate Humpys that are quickly populating the earth like flies. Diaper-wearing flies that won't stop screaming for a video iPod. Now let's get on with the poll, shall we?
1) Do you think they let people in prison use e-mail? I have a lot of readers there.
2) Do you think they let people in prison watch Prison Break? I don't think that's a very good idea. It's not a very good show anyway.
3) Are you an eligible candidate for pregnancy, and do you consider "child support" to be a big deal?
4) The following shows come on at 9 p.m. on Thursdays: The O.C., Beauty & the Geek, the last half-hour of Dancing With the Stars, My Name Is Earl/The Office and whatever's on UPN. Which two would you TiVo?
5) What's your debit card PIN?
6) What dramatic show is most awesomest and why: Battlestar Galactica, The Shield, 24, The O.C., Veronica Mars, Rescue Me, Lost or some other show of your choosing that is not any permutation of Law & Order?
7) What comedy show is most awesomest and why: Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, My Name Is Earl, The Office, The Daily Show or some other show of your choosing that is not Two and a Half Men?
8) What reality show is most awesomest and why: Survivor, American Idol, The Amazing Race, Project Runway, America's Next Top Model, Dancing With the Stars, Skating With Celebrities, Avoiding Rabies-Infected Bats With Hollywood Has-Beens or some other show of your choosing that is not going to make me vomit?
9) What is the stupidest show on TV that everybody else seems to love but really sucks? (My choice is Desperate Housewives, but don't let that influence you! But you have to admit it really sucks.)
10) How's your health insurance? Does it cover extended maternity leave?
OK, THAT'S IT! Thanks for taking our poll, and send your responses to email@example.com no later than Wednesday, Feb. 8! The winning respondent will be impregnated by yours truly and be responsible for buying our illegitimate child its first video iPod.
Stop taking birth control now.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, JAN. 26
8 P.M. WB SMALLVILLE
It's the 100th show, and Smallville is whooping it up by killing off a major character!
9 P.M. FOX THE O.C.
Mini Cooper gives Seth some pot! (You know you're a nerd when a 14-year-old supplies your weed.)
9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
When Michael's carpet gets stained, he suspects the employees hate him (which they do!).
FRIDAY, JAN. 27
10 P.M. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
President Roslyn tries to put an end to black-market trading, with expectedly violent results.
SATURDAY, JAN. 28
3:30 P.M. FAM CHEESY MUSICAL MARATHON!
A host of the cheesiest movie musicals EVER, including Grease 2, From Justin to Kelly, Saturday Night Fever and Staying Alive!
8 P.M. CMT THE CANNONBALL RUN
(Movie, 1981) Burt Reynolds and a cast of Hollywood's has-beeniest has-beens race across the country!
SUNDAY, JAN. 29
8 P.M. TNT SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS
Wouldn't Brokeback Mountain have been great starring Ernest Borgnine and Chuck Norris?
8 P.M. FOX THE SIMPSONS
After robbing Principal Skinner's office, Marge and Homer send Bart off to behavior modification camp!
MONDAY, JAN. 30
9 P.M. FOX 24
Jack discovers a spy within CTU. Finally, a chance to snap some fingers!
9:30 P.M. CBS COURTING ALEX
Sassy Jenna Elfman (Dharma & Greg) returns as a single gal trolling for the perfect man.
TUESDAY, JAN. 31
9 P.M. BRAVO PROJECT RUNWAY
The contestants are asked to design a dress based on their surroundings. But how do you design "screaming neurotic"?
10 P.M. FX THE SHIELD
Against her better judgment, Becca decides to represent the crooked Strike Team.
WEDNESDAY, FEB. 1
8 P.M. FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Yet more auditions featuring the freakiest freaks from all around the country!
9 P.M. UPN VERONICA MARS
Veronica and Wallace investigate a crime at the most delicious place on earth White Castle.