"THIS WEEK! Super agent Jack Bauer returns in another exciting, pants-wetting, testicle-dropping, liposuctioning season of the Fox hit series 24! (8 p.m. Sunday, Jan. 15.) DO … NOT … MISS … IT!!"
OK, how did I do? See, I'm really sick of scribbling TV columns and have decided to apply for the promo-writing job at Fox. Why? Because I'm AWWWWWWESOMMMME! And I've realized you can sell anything to just about anybody if you just scream and use a lot of capital letters and EXTEEEEEEEEND ALLLLLL YOURRRRR WORRRRRRDS!!!
Plus! I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone by writing a TV column that could also double as a sample promo for Fox. Then they could see what a great promo writer I am, hire me on the spot and fly me to California which, I am led to believe, is a magical land brimming with the purest cocaine, free hot roast-beef sandwiches and disease-free prostitute robots who look like Jessica Alba. So, without further ado…
Dear Fox Executive in Charge of Hiring Me: You know who I am, so let's cut the chitty-chat. I want a cushy job in California; you want a promo guy who can write THE SHIT out of a Fox TV commercial. That "he" is me. And as proof, here's a sample promo for this week's season debut of 24. ENJOY.
Ka-BOOM! What's that sound? It's the shit-hot new season of 24 blowin' up in your FACE, yo! That's right, dick drip! Season numero FIVE-o is coming atcha, with all-new raging episodes featuring the world's oldest government ass-kicker, Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland). "Whoopty-whoop, playa, whaaaaaaa??" I hear you scream. "But I thought Jack Bauer faked his own death last season and retired forever!" Wrong again, peehole! Jack is BACK in the government SHACK, with a dirty, dirty job that's wiggidy-WHACK! `Note to Fox executives: That last sentence was designed to attract the "urban youth" demographic.`
Ka-POW! That's the sound of a famous foreign dignitary getting killed! RING-RING! WAH-WAH! That's the sound of Jack's old bosses calling him up and crying like LITTLE-BITTY BABIES to come back and clean up their mess! BANG-BANG-BLEED-PLOP-SSSSSSSSS! And that's the sound of Jack opening up a can of bullet-poppin' whup-ass, blowing away every terrorist in sight and then peeing into their open mouths if they give him any lip! `Note to Fox executives: That last sentence was designed to attract the "angry white male (particularly my father)" demographic.`
THAT'S RIGHT, you disgusting fairy pantywaist! Get ready for TWO HOURS (HOURS, HOURS) OF NONSTOP ACTION (ACTION, ACTION) and don't worry! Your favorite 24 characters are back as well, including Tony "Soul Patch" Almeida, Michelle "Nice Fun Bags" Dessler, Chloe "Not Hot, But Funny" O'Brian and Audrey "Hot, But Has A Stick Up Her Bottom" Raines! And they're all gonna be kissing the sweet old ass of JACK BAUER as he saves the useless lives of wimpy Americans like YOU in the most eye-popping, jaw-dropping, turtle-stomping, dope-smoking, antibacterial-soaping season of 24 YET!! Kaaaaaa-BOOOOOOOOOMMMM! AWWWWWWESOMMMME!
`Note to Fox executives: I'd like my first week's paycheck and Jessica Alba robo-tute now, please.`
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, JAN. 12
9 p.m. FOX THE O.C.
New Time Slot! Seth and the gang try to convince Harbor School officials that Marissa isn't a gun-toting psychopath.
9 p.m. WB BEAUTY AND THE GEEK
Season Premiere! Socially inept geeks hook up with dumbass college babes in this quirky, sweet show.
9:30 p.m. ABC CRUMBS
Debut! Fred "Wonder Years" Savage is the gay son of nutso Jane Curtin in this rip-off of Arrested Development.
FRIDAY, JAN. 13
10 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Job one for Commanders Adama and Cain: Blow away Cylons. Job two: Kill each other.
SATURDAY, JAN. 14
9 p.m. SCIFI H.G. WELLS' WAR OF THE WORLDS
(Movie, 2005) C. Thomas "Ponyboy" Howell takes on butt-poking aliens in another remake of the Wells classic.
10 p.m. AMC HUSTLE
Debut! A gang of con men screw their way through London in this entertaining action comedy.
SUNDAY, JAN. 15
8 p.m. FOX 24
Season Premiere! Jack gets called out of retirement to kick another terrorist's ass. He's getting too old for this shit!
MONDAY, JAN. 16
8 p.m. FOX 24
Time Slot Debut! Jack's back with another two-hour whack at kicking terrorists in the crack. SMACK!
8 p.m. NBC GOLDEN GLOBES
The Hollywood Foreign Press celebrates film and TV. "Foreign"? Shouldn't Jack Bauer be torturing these guys?
TUESDAY, JAN. 17
8 p.m. FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season Premiere! Didn't God say something about worshipping false idols? So why doesn't he kill these people already??
10 p.m. CBS LOVE MONKEY
Debut! Tom "Ed" Cavanaugh and Jason "90210" Priestley star in this comedy drama about love, but strangely, no monkeys.
WEDNESDAY, JAN. 18
9 p.m. ABC LOST
If it's Wednesday, that must mean Michael's running off into the jungle to look for Walt again.
9 p.m. FOX SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES
Debut! C-list celebs Todd Bridges, Debbie Gibson and more bust their C-list asses on the ice!