Celebrities! Unh! Good god, y'all, what are they good for? Absolutely nothin' — SAY IT AGAIN! OK, I won't say it again, but I shall not concede the point: Celebrities are paid waaaaaaaaay too much money for what they actually do. Pick a celebrity at random … OK, Kirsten Dunst. Holy cow, what a sack of moldy sponges. And yet? She makes a kabajillion dollars a day starring in movies, even though she doesn't have a lick of talent! And what does she do — to benefit society, that is — when she's not making crappy movies? Jack … POOP! That's right! She just sits on her moldy sponge-ass all day getting pedicures and spitting on Hispanic migrant workers. (That last part may be an unfounded rumor — but I shall state it as FACT!)
Anywhoop, that's why I'm a huge fan of television shows that make those lazy-ass celebs work for a living. And happily, these shows are growing more popular than ever! For example, on Thursday, Jan. 5, one of my fave reality shows from last year, Dancing With the Stars, is making its triumphant return (ABC, 8 p.m.).
This is the show that takes washed-up, clubfooted hacks and makes them learn how to ballroom dance. Then a bunch of effeminate judges rip 'em new holes! (It's like a beautiful dream.) Last season, Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block was featured, as well as former champ/lumbering oaf Evander Holyfield. The gripping finale, however, came down to that guy who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld and some chick from some soap opera who has a billion nudie pictures of herself on the Internet. For some reason, this show gripped me like a bear trap on the nutsack. So don't miss the new season, featuring such washouts as Tatum O'Neal, rapper Master P, George Hamilton and the brother of that guy who was dumped by Jessica Simpson! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
But hold on to your juicy bits, because the next week marks the debut of another celebrity torture show: Skating With Celebrities (Fox, 9 p.m. Wednesday, Jan. 18). A blatant rip-off of Dancing With the Stars? Perhaps, but how can you fault a show for wanting to feature Debbie Gibson smashing her head on the ice? Or Bruce Jenner getting impaled with his own skate? I rest my case. As far as I'm concerned, there can't be enough of these shows, because — as stated earlier — celebrities don't do anything except make awful movies and waste our air. Take for example the number of similar shows that I've pitched to the networks (none of which, mysteriously, has been picked up yet).picked up yet).
First, there's Robbing Convenience Stores With Former Child Actors. Hey, if they're doing it anyway, why shouldn't we be able to watch? Or how about Licking Infectious Sores With TV's Funniest Animals? That monkey from Friends hasn't worked in years! And "dig" this one! Draining Irrigation Ditches With Designing Women. Ratings? Meet roof! Then there's Defusing Bombs With Hollywood Has-Beens. Hey, Kirsten Dunst! This is the perfect show for you! (Maybe it'll blow some of that moldy sponge off your ass.)ass.)
Got any odd jobs for celebrities? firstname.lastname@example.org
THURSDAY, JAN. 5
8 p.m. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season Premiere! D-list actors trip over their big dumb feet in this hilarious reality contest!
9:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE
Michael takes the employees on a motivational booze cruise. Horror ensues.
FRIDAY, JAN. 6
9 p.m. NBC THE BOOK OF DANIEL
Debut! Former hottie Aidan Quinn stars as preacher raising a family of hell-bound sinners. Repent!
10 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Season Premiere! Battlestar's back, and duking it out with the Pegasus to see who can kill the most Cylons!
SATURDAY, JAN. 7
9 p.m. SCIFI CAVED IN: PREHISTORIC TERROR
(Movie, 2005) Dumb spelunkers battle an army of ass-biting prehistoric rhinoceros beetles.
SUNDAY, JAN. 8
8 p.m. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Lynette catches Gabrielle with her tongue wedged down Tom's throat!
8 p.m. NBC WEST WING
Get yer hankies, it's the last episode featuring the late actor John "Leo" Spencer.
MONDAY, JAN. 9
9 p.m. ABC EMILY'S REASONS WHY NOT
Debut! Heather Graham stars as an indecisive 20-nothing who can't land a man.
10 p.m. ABC THE BACHELOR: PARIS
Season Premiere! This time around, the bachelor is a handsome doctor (EEEEEEEE!!!) who woos the ladies in Paris! (EEEEEEEE!!!)
TUESDAY, JAN. 10
8 p.m. UPN BLUE CRUSH
(Movie, 2002) Three surfing hotties train for a contest and reel in hunks of sweet, sweet man meat.
10 p.m. FX THE SHIELD
Season Premiere! A new chief (Forest Whitaker) is in and Vic is being drummed out!
WEDNESDAY, JAN. 11
8 p.m. UPN SOUTH BEACH
Debut! Matt and Vince leave Brooklyn to score tail in Miami — and find adventure instead!
9 p.m. ABC LOST
A new episode in which Mr. Eko busts Charlie's chops about the heroin-filled Virgin Mary statue.