The recent past should be an easy thing to remember. And it probably would be, if not for all that mercury in the water. Test your knowledge of Earth-shattering events that seem like they
transpired only yesterday, when it's probably closer to a week and a half.
1) Who accepted the key to Orlando in lieu of the unfortunately indisposed Paris Hilton?
a. Nicole Richie
b. Nicky Hilton
c. Flavor Flav
d. Amber Rodriguez, winning contestant on the FOX-TV series America's Top Hooch
2) What did Jeb Bush offer as an impetus for scaling back the class-size amendment, and what did he warn might happen if the offer were refused?
a. A new Geo Metro for every parent of a public-school student; the elimination of art and music classes
b. A $35,000 base salary for Florida teachers; busing students to distant schools
c. A guaranteed extreme makeover for Lt. Gov. Toni Jennings; an even worse cold and flu season than 2004's
d. Fudge; the Rapture
3) Who among the following was not recognized by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for being a Desperate Housewife?
a. Marcia Cross
b. Eva Longoria
c. Camille Cosby, wife of Bill Cosby
d. b and c
4) Which political faction fared the poorest in the Iraqi elections?
a. The Shiites
b. The Sunnis
c. The Kurds
d. Students for a Bullet-Free Society
5) Which Orlando Weekly contributor outed herself in print as the fiancee of Brandon "Bosco" Cashen, hero of the Dubsdread plane crash?
a. Jessica Bryce Young
b. "Ask a Dominatrix" Vendela Zane
c. Leigh de Armas
d. Billy Manes
6) What did Orange County residents rate as their lowest priority on a list of 26 possibilities?
a. Fighting illegal drug use
b. Building a new arena
c. Instituting a downtown performing-arts center
d. Kicking Osceola County's ass at air hockey
7) According to the Orlando Sentinel, who allegedly responded to the Jan. 6 detonation of an explosive device at Hunter's Creek Golf Club by saying, "Cool!"?
a. Sheriff's Deputy Leon Jeffries, subsequently suspended without pay for dereliction of duty
b. Chemistry teacher David Pieski, who pupils say taught them to make such devices
c. Paris Hilton, yet again in the wrong place at the wrong time
d. Groundskeeper Carl Spackler, exercising a license to kill gophers granted him by the government of the United Nations
8) What luminary was not mentioned as a possible defense witness in the Michael Jackson trial?
a. Deepak Chopra
b. Larry King
c. Quincy Jones
d. "the feller what put in the two-way mirrors"
9) According to State Attorney Mark Ober, what consumer scam could only be rectified by making the rings wider or modifying the ducks' heads?
a. Poorly painted decoys sold for full price at Sports Authority
b. Rigged midway games at the Florida State Fair
c. Unsafe bath toys marketed for infant use
d. Something that went on at the last AntiBabe fetish show and we're more than happy to be sketchy on the details, thanks
10) Which disgusted correspondent publicly called writer Patrick Goldstein a "third-rate, pompous, unfunny reporter who's never been acknowledged by his peers"?
a. Rob Schneider, defending himself in Variety
b. Owen Wilson, defending pal Ben Stiller in The New Yorker
c. Ben Affleck, defending sweetie Jennifer Garner's Elektra on AintItCoolNews.com
d. Patrick Goldstein, full of drunken self-loathing on LiveJournal.com
11) How many lines long was the U.S. Supreme Court's official refusal to hear the Terry Schiavo case?
d. Four, thanks to auto-hyphenation of the word "assholes"
12) Which of the following was not blamed on the hurricanes?
a. The closing of the Orlando Broadway Dinner Theater
b. The closing of Chapters on Park
c. A $60 insurance hike facing Florida homeowners in 2005
d. Massive, humiliating strikeouts at local "one-minute dating" parties
13) Who is Suresh Joachim?
a. The sole heir to the estate of deceased I-Drive entrepreneur Jesse Maali
b. The Australian man who holds the on-air DJ marathon record sought by WPRK-FM's David Plotkin
c. A vagrant who scored himself the key to Orlando after it was left in his favorite dumpster by a caked-up Nicole Richie (or Nicky Hilton, or Flavor Flav, or Amber Rodriguez)
d. Who isn't, really?