A guy named Rick called Happytown™ HQ three times last week to ask if we were going to write anything about the $50 million lawsuit filed by a Texas woman alleging that she had been drugged and raped by none other than President George W. Bush.
"Dunno," we said. "Never heard of it."
"It's true," Rick said. "Check it out."
So we did, and it is. There is in fact a lawsuit on file in Fort Bend County, the title of which is Margie Schoedinger vs. George W. Bush. Look it up yourself if you don't believe us. Go to http://ccweb.co.fortbend.tx.us/search.asp?cabinet=civil, type in "Schoedinger," and away you go. You'll find, as we did, that this is pretty wild stuff.
In her petition, filed Dec. 2, 2002, Schoedinger states that in October 2000, three men tried to abduct her. When she reported the incident to Sugar Land, Texas, police, the cops harassed her and let the assailants go. She went up the cop food chain and talked to the FBI, who also harassed her. Only later, Schoedinger states in her petition, did she learn why two separate agencies were making her life a living hell: They were working for President George W. Bush, whom Schoedinger says she dated as a minor. (Schoedinger claims FBI investigation of her complaints revealed the relationship.)
Being the president, one could bring considerable leverage to bear on an enemy. And Bush did, Schoedinger states: She was raped and beaten, her husband lost his job (and may have also been drugged and raped), her academic records were expunged, her bank account suddenly disappeared, she was watched by the CIA and the NSA. "Moreover, the Defendant took personal responsibility for these decisions, explaining to Plaintiff that committing suicide would be her best option as in his opinion; Plaintiff is essentially dead in any case."
Since filing the case, plaintiff Schoedinger has became literally dead: She died of a gunshot wound to the head Sept. 22. The coroner ruled it a suicide.
And here we thought Bush had his hands full freeing Iraqis at the barrel of a gun. This guy is industrious!
OK, the lawsuit is obviously bogus. (First clue: Schoedinger filed it pro se, meaning she couldn't get a lawyer to represent her, the watermark of crackpot filings throughout the land. Second clue: This is George Bush we're talking about, perhaps the most asexual president in modern history.)
Nonetheless, it exists and it involves the CEO of the USA. To date, however, only one newspaper in the entire country has touched it: the Fort Bend Star. (Pravda also wrote about it, but they're ex-commies and almost as unreliable as the French.) We can't help but think that if it were Bill Clinton's name on the lawsuit, Fox News would never shut up about it. Vince Foster, anyone?
We weren't exactly ripped into a chiseled state of being upon hearing of the Xtreme Pro Challenge lifting and grunting at the downtown Expo center May 1, but neither were we wholly disinterested and/or wimpy. After all, lifting heavy things is rarely unattractive, and a whole industry built around it could make for some incidental fleshy interaction of the creative kind. We, naturally, were game. In person Happytown™ is really, really buff.
We loitered a little too much around vendors hyping "Planet Muscle" and "Extreme Bioscience," pretending to belong. One muscled bimbette proffered pamphlets to the masses, but somehow skipped us.
"You're not going to give us one?" we queried. She laughed and blew us off. May her pecs sag at an early age.
Aghast at our shortcomings, we lay low on the periphery of vendor booths, where disfigured women a bit too heavy on the shoulders took pictures with men wearing polyester. It all made for sort of a steroid funhouse, replete with overtly buff men talking too fast.
A long line waited for entry to what we assumed was the big heavy lift, but considering our lack of personal lift so far, we decided to bow out. So we lifted a cigarette to our mouths, kicked away a clump of cheese and got on with our lives.
Brigitte Nielsen would have been proud.
There couldn't have been a more fitting end to the Spitvalves' reign as kings of the local ska scene. Seeing as how punk and ska are anti-authoritarian, we hoped the 'Valves would go out with a ruckus, and they did.
Their April 23 farewell show at The Social was chock-a-block with punks; too packed to mosh, too packed really to move. As happens now and again at a Spitvalves show, a couple of the nose-ringed buggers jumped on stage to sing along.
And that's where our hullabaloo began. One kid in particular who jumped on stage apparently irked a 300-pound security guard, who ran from the other side of the club to corral the kid by his T-shirt and drag him toward the exit. Oddly enough, the kid had been on stage maybe 10 minutes before, creating no problems whatsoever. What irritated the security guard remains a mystery.
On the way to tossing this scrawny Spitvalves fan onto Orange Avenue, the guard bumped into a 15-year-old kid in the pit. The guard released fan No. 1, grabbed the 15-year old by the throat and jolted him backwards. (The action was caught on videotape.)
The Spitvalves, watching from the stage, stopped playing. The 15-year-old's older brother pushed his way between his sibling and the guard, who, recognizing that he was now the center of attention, cut the 15-year-old loose, grabbed the original troublemaker by the shirt and dragged him toward the exit, with the crowd chanting, "Fuck you," the whole way. Along the way, the guard slammed into a show promoter -- the keeper of the videotape -- and a young, pregnant girl standing by the exit.
In solidarity, the 'Valves declared that they weren't going to play unless their fan was allowed to come back in. They relented after about five minutes as the crowd was getting restless, and finished the set with no further problems. We are of the opinion that it might have been better to burn out than fade away, but what the hell, it's only rock & roll.