Ms. Mia Farrow
Dear Ms. Farrow:
I am contacting you in my capacity as legal counsel for the Internationally Famous And In No Way Crazy Film Star Angelina Jolie (hereinafter referred to as the IFAINWCFSAJ). It has come to our attention that you have recently made overtures toward assuming legal guardianship of Sandina Cortéz, an El Salvadoran refugee and the Last Nonwhite Orphan On Earth (hereinafter referred to as the LNOOE).
I strongly advise you to cease and desist from these activities. The IFAINWCFSAJ has a well-established prior claim on adoption of the LNOOE a claim that is not only legally binding but buttressed immeasurably by the IFAINWCFSAJ's spotless reputation.
The IFAINWCFSAJ has garnered worldwide goodwill for her philanthropic interests, which have enabled her to travel the globe advocating humanitarian relief measures and turn her rec room into a reasonable facsimile of a Benetton ad. In addition, she has promised the high court of the United Nations that her geopolitical awareness will never again form the basis of one of her motion pictures. That promise, which reflects positively on my client's maturity and judgment, has already spurred a noticeable uptick in the public morale of several Third World countries and the Brentwood section of Los Angeles.
I implore you to put your personal ambitions aside and consider what's best for the LNOOE. This poor child would clearly be best served by immediate assimilation into the life of the IFAINWCFSAJ, who is by all accounts an ideal role model and guardian. Her open-minded, undiscriminating approach to human connection chronicled extensively in the tabloids makes her well-placed to relate to people of all ages, genders and levels of parole. Her parenting skills have been praised by her ex-husband, who has testified that she possesses a warm heart, a generous spirit and "lips that could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch." (See attached deposition.)
Finally, there's the matter of fairness. To put it bluntly, my client needs an El Salvadoran to complete her collection and you do not. It has come to our attention that you already have one living in your home, in addition to six Cambodians, four Vietnamese, two Lithuanians and a smattering of Mexicans who could not be counted, as they simply run too fast. You are also known to own a frisky Shih Tzu named Rosemary, whose adorable antics should be more than enough to keep you and yours feeling like a family each and every Christmas morn. Please leave some snuggling room for the bleeding hearts of today.
Mr. Nathaniel Goode
Dear Mr. Goode:
Consider this a response to your recent letter to my client, the Kind-Hearted But Tragically Underestimated Cultural Icon Mia Farrow (hereinafter referred to as the KHBTUCIMF). The KHBTUCIMF will not be cowed by your cheap scare tactics, which have no basis in law and only point up your ethical bankruptcy while deepening my client's resolve.
My firm feels confident that Ms. Jolie's patently ridiculous claim of adoptive seniority has no merit, and is merely the latest attempt by a show-business predator to make my client question her sanity. Many before have tried. Some of them were members of the KHBTUCIMF's own family. And all of them, to the best of our knowledge, have failed.
My client wishes to remind Ms. Jolie that this is still a free country. (Or at least it was the last time the KHBTUCIMF ventured out of her rent-controlled apartment to check.) A would-be mother is entitled to bid for any pathetic street urchin she wishes and let the relevant agencies decide the outcome. Were "getting there first" even an issue, the KHBTUCIMF would certainly wield the advantage, as she was already accruing trophy waifs when Ms. Jolie was just a fleeting, drug-related impulse coursing through Jon Voight's bloodstream.
Further, the entire substance of Ms. Jolie's argument is erroneous. The so-called Last Nonwhite Orphan On Earth is no such thing, but one of many cute, impoverished strays who await happy destinies in show-business households and on charity telethons. In several late-night phone calls recorded by the KHBTUCIMF, your client has attempted to persuade mine that a virus from outer space has decimated the world's nonwhite-orphan population, leaving the pickings for companionship slim indeed. Upon investigation, the KHBTUCIMF learned that this is instead the plot of the film Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, albeit with foreign tots substituted for house pets. Nice try, Mr. Goode. Your client really knows her B pictures.
Finally, the KHBTUCIMF feels expert enough in these areas to issue a word of warning. What's going to happen, she wonders, when any of the girl children your client amasses begin to grow up, and her current beau if he's still around by then starts looking for fresh mountains to climb? Believe you us, it's going to make Mr. and Mrs. Smith look like Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. And the KHBTUCIMF knows whereof she speaks.
I urge you and your client to cease your attempt at intimidation forthwith. Or, as we say in the East Coast legal community, back the fuck up.