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Make it or fake it



Possibly in response to criticism that the Bush administration has overseen a catastrophic loss of manufacturing jobs, this year's Economic Report of the President suggests expanding the definition of the term "manufacturing" to include meal preparation in fast-food restaurants. Here is the full list of vocations and activities the White House would like to see reclassified as "manufacturing jobs" before the next report is issued.

Manufacturing Initiatives 2004

Whaler with a large Mountain Dew
Spotlessly clean high-school stairwell/rest room
Mint on a weary traveler's pillow
Quality street theater
Regular deliveries of Grit, America's family newspaper
Animal/human relations (pets or meat)
Plasma on the 4th of every month, like clockwork
Authentic carny barking
Deep discounts on name-brand stereo equipment
Nighttime security at Neiman-Marcus
Piping-hot satisfaction at your door in 30 minutes or less
Smoke-free cab rides to O'Hare
Erections for lonely executives (don't touch the dancers, please)
Deeper understanding of our Lord Jesus Christ
Lustrous shine on a pair of Bruno Maglis
Photos of a crazed, knife-wielding African-American in Bruno Maglis
Customer satisfaction via telephone
Round-the-clock surveillance of known crime figures
Thoroughly squeegeed windshield
Neat, orderly clearance rack at Barnes & Noble
Point spread on the weekend's top SEC contest
Â¥ Uplifting daily affirmations
Kidney transplants
Luuv matches -- by computer!
Hilarious caricature of a vacationing nun from San Diego
Perfectly sized bales where, before, there was only random hay
20 rides per hour on the Tilt-a-Whirl
537 votes for your punk-ass big brother
Double yellow line down a fresh stretch of asphalt
Wedding photos to die for (8-by-10 or wallet-sized)
Swift end of a raging tenement fire
Intellectual property
Â¥ Lightning-quick replacement of register tape
Paranormal research
Two sets per night of silky-smooth jazz
Tabloid romance
Overdue "removal" of those cock-a-roaches, the Diaz Brothers
Killer vodkatinis on a cruise to the Cayman Islands
Census data
Quality time with your family
Malaysian mail-order brides
One-woman show about that son-of-a-bitch you call a stepfather
Donor marrow
Just enough parking tickets to meet your monthly quota
Best sweatshop labor money can buy
An ace
130 satellite stations on demand
Potato salad for a Methodist mixer
Love that, in the end, is equal to the love you take

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