Possibly in response to criticism that the Bush administration has overseen a catastrophic loss of manufacturing jobs, this year's Economic Report of the President suggests expanding the definition of the term "manufacturing" to include meal preparation in fast-food restaurants. Here is the full list of vocations and activities the White House would like to see reclassified as "manufacturing jobs" before the next report is issued.
Manufacturing Initiatives 2004
| • Whaler with a large Mountain Dew | | • Spotlessly clean high-school stairwell/rest room | | • Mint on a weary traveler's pillow | | • Quality street theater | | • Regular deliveries of Grit, America's family newspaper | | • Animal/human relations (pets or meat) | | • Plasma on the 4th of every month, like clockwork | | • Authentic carny barking | | • Deep discounts on name-brand stereo equipment | | • Excuses | | • Nighttime security at Neiman-Marcus | | • Piping-hot satisfaction at your door in 30 minutes or less | | • Smoke-free cab rides to O'Hare | | • Erections for lonely executives (don't touch the dancers, please) | | • Deeper understanding of our Lord Jesus Christ | | • Allegations | | | • Lustrous shine on a pair of Bruno Maglis | | • Photos of a crazed, knife-wielding African-American in Bruno Maglis | | • Alibis | | • Customer satisfaction via telephone | | • Round-the-clock surveillance of known crime figures | | • Thoroughly squeegeed windshield | | • Memoirs | | • Neat, orderly clearance rack at Barnes & Noble | | • Point spread on the weekend's top SEC contest | | Â¥ Uplifting daily affirmations | | • Kidney transplants | | • Luuv matches -- by computer! | | • Hilarious caricature of a vacationing nun from San Diego | | • Arias | | • Consent | | | • Perfectly sized bales where, before, there was only random hay | | • 20 rides per hour on the Tilt-a-Whirl | | • 537 votes for your punk-ass big brother | | • Enthusiasm | | • Double yellow line down a fresh stretch of asphalt | | • Wedding photos to die for (8-by-10 or wallet-sized) | | • Swift end of a raging tenement fire | | • Intellectual property | | • Evidence | | Â¥ Lightning-quick replacement of register tape | | • Paranormal research | | • Two sets per night of silky-smooth jazz | | • Tabloid romance | | • Overdue "removal" of those cock-a-roaches, the Diaz Brothers | | | • Killer vodkatinis on a cruise to the Cayman Islands | | • Census data | | • Quality time with your family | | • Malaysian mail-order brides | | • One-woman show about that son-of-a-bitch you call a stepfather | | • Donor marrow | | • Just enough parking tickets to meet your monthly quota | | • Best sweatshop labor money can buy | | • An ace | | • 130 satellite stations on demand | | • Potato salad for a Methodist mixer | | • Love that, in the end, is equal to the love you take | |