According to the Associated Press, physicist Stephen Hawking has said the human race needs to venture into outer space to ensure its survival. According to the esteemed scientist's reasoning, the increasing possibility of a global catastrophe makes it imperative for us to seek new homes on other planets.
"We won't find anywhere as nice as Earth unless we go to another star system," Hawking was quoted as saying.
PLANETS FOR SALE/RENT
HIGHLY ADVANCED WORLD needs athletic, intellectual population for immediate move-in. Premium location, with good schools and plenty of exposure to life-giving red-sun radiation. (Don't be fooled by glacial decor. Strictly a design choice!) Sturdy ecosystem makes planet ideal platform for study of sciences, esp. abnormal geology. Safe, secure, perfect for families. Call Jor-El, KR5-4101.
WEEKEND GETAWAY — Escape the hustle and bustle of workaday galactic life on your very own restful-retreat planet, tucked cozily away in the farthest reaches of Corporation-controlled space. Single previous occupant has not been seen in years, but was said to be highly adaptable to visitors. Area's mining-based economy means fine-dining options are few; still, even on a Sunday, chances are good you'll pick up something for the trip back home. Small pets allowed, esp. cats. Nice, quiet neighborhood where no one can hear you scream. Giger Estates, (555) EEK-0009.
NEWLY RENOVATED — The motif is "urban primitive" on this adorably rustic yet somehow comfortingly familiar planet covered in lush jungle foliage. Rapidly gentrifying area affords all the appeal of "roughing it" without any of the risk, thanks to 24-hour patrolling by an experienced force of simian security guards. Prime properties have beachfront views, with laundry facilities conveniently situated. Just look for partially submerged remains of slightly rusted … YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GODDAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (See our ad in this week's Parade.)
MOVE-IN SPECIAL! Make the most of your young-professional years on "Treasure Planet," where a colorful band of space-happy brigands once … no, a zany interstellar trader and his pals got themselves into a real … OK, we'll be honest, nobody remembers what the hell went on around here. But it's cheap, anonymous living, with no papers to sign and no questions asked. Pets OK; smokers welcome. First month's rent includes limitless supply of remaindered Happy Meal toys and unsold DVDs. Eisner and Sons Liquidators, WDW-3443.
UNIQUE FIXER-UPPER — A few basic repairs are all that's keeping this dirt-cheap planet in one of the lesser-visited galaxies from being perfectly habitable. Previous owners' ill-advised attempted transition to aquatic lifestyle resulted in slight water damage, easily reparable by simultaneously raising all continents to sea level via some sort of mass telekinesis project. Thousand-year plague of locusts equals D-Con supply a must. (Not provided.) Buyer is encouraged to repaint, given that high radiation levels have given topography a pink-and-lime tint that makes landscape look as if somebody threw up on a Lilly Pulitzer store. Still, you can't beat the positioning: 3,000 light years from Forbidden Planet, three and a half blocks from Forbidden Broadway. Call day or night, (407) THX-1138.
NERVES SHOT from months of desperate house hunting? Move to Vulcan, where panic and despair go out the window with all those other useless human emotions. Highly desirable features include handsome crimson skyline, carefully maintained atmosphere of quiet stoicism and hardwood floors. Singles will love the très-chic tapas bars and violently unpredictable mating rituals; for the older set, there's shuffleboard. Rent- and sentiment-controlled. Roddenberry and Sons, (212) NCC-1701.
ALL THE COMFORTS OF HOME — Get in on the best-kept secret in Milky Way real estate! The season's hot location isn't Aspen or Fern Park but Earth-2, a parallel world vibrating at a molecular speed slightly different from our own. Here, Quebec has seceded from Canada, the Flash still wears a silly helmet and one-bedroom apartments actually go for less than the gross national product of Chad. Talk about an easy commute: Travel time from Earth-1 is 8.5 seconds via Cosmic Treadmill. Old-fashioned lifestyle makes this pastoral refuge a favorite of neocons and costumed do-gooders thinking about retirement. Includes all utils, vintage fireplaces and round-the-clock doorman. No cable or hi-speed Internet. Schwartz, Infantino and Grodd, (718) 935-7030.
MUST SELL! Delightful planet third in orbit from lovely little star named after Sun Myung Moon. (Picturesque blue-and-green environment served as location for TV's Third Rock.) Planet is a beautiful product of 4.5 billion years of evolution, but has recently become overrun with small-minded parasites who place that number in the mere thousands and suck up BP like it's going out of style. Eviction procedures now under way. Available soon (unfurnished). Call Convenient Truth Realty Services, 800-4AL-4673.