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My mutha the car



According to a report in the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, Fort Lauderdale inventor Dennis Bellehumeur has received a patent for a car steering wheel that prevents drunk drivers from taking to the road. The wheel contains a skin sensor that checks the alcohol level in a person's blood, then prevents the car from starting if said level is above the legal limit.

It was only a matter of time before Detroit went Bellehumeur one better – or two, or three. Check out this list of features for Temperance 2000, a "total-prevention vehicle" to be introduced next year by one of the automotive industry's major manufacturers.


Door handle – Reads the sweat on a would-be driver's palms, checking for moisture levels consistent with a night of heavy drinking. If such moisture is present, doors will not open. Intrepid/desperate boozehound is then forced to smash his/her own driver's-side window in order to gain egress to vehicle.

Upon breakage, voice alarm kicks in: Oh, God. You're drunk again, aren't you?

Front seat – Contains precisely calibrated built-in scale that "remembers" driver's customary weight. Should his or her gluteal impression reveal recent gain of two to eight pounds – an increase easily attributable to alcohol and deep-fried bar snacks – ejector-seat mechanism is instantly triggered, hurling sloppy, self-hating fatass free of auto and out of danger. Unfortunately, attempts to fool apparatus with Lite beer have thus far been largely successful.

Voice prompt: I don't know what you think you're getting away with.

Rearview mirror – Retinal scanner kicks into action the moment vain dipso looks into mirror for reassurance that he/she still looks fresh as a daisy, and that the folks at home will never know the difference. Contact with bloodshot eyes causes immediate powering up of glaring lights that ring the mirror and are focused directly at driver's face, mimicking humiliating horror of a bar at closing time.

Look at what you're doing to yourself. You didn't always have those crow's-feet, you know.

Radio – "Smart" tuner knows when user punches in oldies stations only visited by the terminally rotted. Control knobs then dispense mild electric shock to jolt listener from state of maudlin, schmaltz-rocking sentimentality.

Sober, happy people don't listen to Toto. She broke up with you again, didn't she?

Cigarette lighter – Bad habits go hand in hand, which is why instant-flamethrower function is so useful for correcting all-or-nothing alkies who "only smoke when I drink." This controversial feature has run afoul of AA, which allows recovery cases to seek refuge in legal addictions, but has garnered lavish praise from AAA, whose representatives earn time-and-a-half for overtime whenever a motorist has to be pried from his or her car due to melted plastic.

Go ahead and kill yourself. But do it fast, and stop torturing everyone who loves you.

Windshield wipers – When wipers make contact with a windshield that's completely dry, system knows for sure that owner is drunk and disoriented. Windshield instantly lowers and cleaning jets turn inward, spraying driver's eyes with noxious fluid.

Know what it feels like to waste 10 years caring about you, you lowlife piece of shit? It feels like THIS!

Seat belt – In crucial test of eye-hand coordination, vehicle's belt mechanism is capable of restraining drunk drivers who attempt to fasten "tongue" of their seat belt to buckle intended for middle-seat passenger, or vice versa. Feature is also useful for subduing other individuals who shouldn't be driving, like easily confused mothers-in-law and painfully uncoordinated middle schoolers.

Gotcha! Now pretend I'm Wonder Woman and tell me everywhere you've been tonight.

Back seat – In the event that owner has brought fellow barfly back to the car for swift and meaningless copulation, uncommon pressure across back seat causes Blaupunkt audio system to play overamplified anti-AIDS PSAs, sounds of crying infants and other dire warnings.

Hey, didn't your mom conceive you in a cozy little place just like this? Guess the rotten apple doesn't fall far from the 'ho tree. Wonder whatever happened to that miserable old skag, anyway. Maybe you ought to call her in a minute or two, when you're finished.

GPS – Screen of Global Positioning System is sensitive enough to detect vodkatini breath from several feet up and away. A fogged-up, slightly overheated monitor automatically blocks access to maps revealing area ABC Liquors locations; instead, system goes on perpetual scroll, giving directions to nearby churches and/or halfway houses.

Time to get right with God, cowboy. Or are you sticking to that hilarious story that you don't need any help?

Fail-safe feature – Should besotted user manage to override, fool and/or survive all other precautionary measures, vehicle is equipped to detect operating discrepancies after only a few feet of travel. Driving too slow, drifting between lanes, making frequent starts and stops – all notify the car's central nervous system that owner is significantly impaired and has thus abrogated his or her right to the road. Electrical functions cease immediately, stranding user at side of highway until authorities can show up to mete out justice.

NOTE: The Temperance 2000 will not be sold in Florida, where behavior listed above is indistinguishable from normal, everyday motoring.

Good evening, officers. I have prepared coffee in anticipation of your arrival. Who gets cream and sugar?

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