Dear Nerds: Let's get one thing straight. I BEAT YOU UP. It's nothing personal … just something I do. In fact, I've been beating you up since junior high, but here's the weird thing: Though the public school system is teeming with bullies, I'm the only adult willing to admit I was a bully. So … where have all the bullies gone? If you ask me, they're all chickenshit nerds, which means one thing: I get to beat the crap out of them!
But believe me, being an adult bully is no walk in the park. Dumping nerds headfirst into garbage cans may be fun, but there are only so many hours in the day, and I have a TV column to write! And with all the new sci-fi TV shows, there are more nerds than ever. In fact, you can't throw a measuring thingy* without hitting a newly converted nerd! [*EDITOR'S NOTE: The word Humpy is looking for is "protractor."]
Now, I'll admit I watch the occasional science-fiction show but only to check out sweet pieces of moon booty! Take Battlestar Galactica, for example (Sci-Fi Channel, 10 p.m. Fridays). While the show may be about Cylons kicking the holy hell out of the human race, I enjoy it because the Cylons are total bullies (like me) and sexy (also like me). Besides, have you checked out the pecs on Captain Apollo, or the ham on Boomer? I wouldn't mind docking my viper in their portals! (Whoops! That's nerd-speak. I meant "penis" in their "blowholes.")
This fall, the networks are following in the tracks of Lost with no fewer than THREE sci-fi shows involving goopy space aliens. The worst of the bunch is Surface (NBC, 8 p.m. Mondays), about a sexy scientist (Lake Bell) and her team of crackpots who discover a new species of underwater creatures. But are these slimy slugs simply a new kind of fish or space monsters that want to wiggle their fingers into your butt? After watching a couple episodes, I'd prefer the latter but my tastes run toward that sort of thing.
Next up on the nerd parade is Threshold (CBS, 9 p.m. Fridays), another story about mean aliens. (Gee … why can't they ever be NICE?!?) Anyway, it features a SURPRISE! sexy scientist (Carla Gugino), who, along with a pack of persnickety experts and a dwarf (!), combats aliens who crawl into your body and live in your sac. (Actually, there's no proof they live in your sac, but it would explain all that itching). Threshold contains genuinely creepy moments and a hot leading lady. Unfortunately it also stars Brent Spiner (Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation), who's King Nerd of all Nerdland. Hey King Nerd! Perhaps you'd like to sit on the throne … OF MY FOOT!
The best of the lot is Invasion (ABC, 9 p.m. Wednesdays), yet another story of anally fixated Martians this time turning small-town residents into zombified slaves. It features tight, spooky storytelling and a sexy cast of non-nerds. In fact, it's SO good, I'd like to invite all you nerds to an Invasion viewing party at the bottom of my GARBAGE CAN. Enjoy the view, NERD!
Hey nerds, let's hang out sometime.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, OCT. 13
8 P.M. UPN EVERYONE HATES CHRIS
Raymond feels the need to step in when Chris crosses paths with a bully (not me this time).
9:30 P.M. VH1 BREAKING BONADUCE
In the rawest celebrity reality show ever, Danny goes berserk at Gretchen's party!
FRIDAY, OCT. 14
8:30 P.M. MTV ASHLEE SIMPSON BIRTHDAY SPECIAL
Ashlee turns 21 in Las Vegas and you'd think she'd be old enough to learn how to put on mascara.
9 P.M. CBS THRESHOLD
A DJ is infected by the alien virus and spreads it via his music. (Going to the club? Don't forget your antibacterial wipes!)
SATURDAY, OCT. 15
9 P.M. SCI-FI RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD: RAVE TO THE GRAVE
(Movie, 2005) College kids get hooked on a new party drug that causes them to eat human brains!
SUNDAY, OCT. 16
9 P.M. ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Gabrielle causes a prison riot when she visits Carlos but only because hungry cons mistake her for a piece of beef jerky.
10 P.M. HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
In 30 minutes, Larry somehow manages to offend every race, religion and sexual orientation (and a couple of cripples).
MONDAY, OCT. 17
10:30 P.M. MTV MISS SEVENTEEN
Debut! Seventeen teens compete to get an internship at Seventeen magazine. Perfect for the pedophile in your family!
11:30 P.M. COM THE COLBERT REPORT
Debut! The Daily Show's hee-larious Stephen Colbert gets his own nightly parody of Fox News pundit shows!
TUESDAY, OCT. 18
9 P.M. NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Whimsy ensues when Earl's old prison buddy escapes and kidnaps Randy.
9:30 P.M. NBC THE OFFICE
Michael is forced to fire an employee which puts a damper on his annual Halloween party.
WEDNESDAY, OCT. 19
9 P.M. ABC LOST
While searching for his missing son Walt, Michael discovers he's not alone … Bwwaahh-ha-haaaaa!
10 P.M. COM SOUTH PARK
Season Premiere! It's a brand-new season and the kids are working harder than ever to offend you.