Regular readers know I make anywhere from three to 12 "butt jokes" a week in this column. This, however, is no time for anal fixations because we are facing the busiest, most entertaining week of TV all year. OMIGOD.
For example! On Thursday, it's the season premiere of Survivor: Guatemala (CBS, 8 p.m.), while on Monday, it's the return of your fave show ever, Arrested Development (FOX, 8 p.m.). Then on Tuesday, it's the powerhouse pairing of The Office (NBC, 9:30 p.m.) and Nip/Tuck (FX, 10 p.m.), PLUS the long-awaited Dancing With the Stars: Dance Off! (ABC, 8:30 p.m.), in which the previously robbed John O'Hurley takes on that bitch Kelly Monaco in a faggy dance to the finish! BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! On Wednesday, America's Next Top Model returns (UPN, 8 p.m.), along with the No. 1 show in the entire universe, Lost (ABC, 9 p.m.).
Add those to the new shows debuting this week, and that means NO TIME FOR HUMPY BUTT TALK. (Sorry!) Here are a few of this week's newbies.
Twins (WB, 8:30 p.m. Friday, Sept. 16): Fraternal twins Mitchee (Roseanne's homely Sara Gilbert) and Farrah (Passions' hotsy Molly Stanton) are given the keys to the family underwear company. Co-starring Melanie "Oh, how the mighty have fallen" Griffith. HUMPY'S TAKE: Don't be alarmed, but this WB sitcom is actually pretty funny (if you can get past the horror that is Melanie Griffith's lips).
Threshold (CBS, 9 p.m. Friday, Sept. 16): Sexy Carla Gugino (Karen Sisco) leads a team of science nerds and jarhead soldiers to investigate a possible alien life form. HUMPY'S TAKE: I'm just gonna say it: Carla Gugino has some sweet fun-bags. Plus, if you're going to watch one Lost rip-off this season, make this the one.
Surface (NBC, 8 p.m. Monday, Sept. 19): Sexy scientist No. 2 Lake Bell (Boston Legal) also leads a team of nerds, this time in a search for sea monsters. HUMPY'S TAKE: The show's biggest hurdle will be making the CG believable … but if it results in a new type of fish stick, then I'm in!
Kitchen Confidential (FOX, 8:30 p.m. Monday, Sept. 19): Will from Alias, Xander from Buffy and Sam from Freaks and Geeks are boozing, womanizing chefs in this series based on Anthony Bourdain's book. HUMPY'S TAKE: An all-star cast in scenarios that make Hell's Kitchen look tame? Let's eat!
My Name Is Earl (NBC, 9 p.m. Tuesday, Sept. 20): The buzziest comedy of the season stars Jason Lee (Chasing Amy) as Earl, a petty thief who loses a winning lottery ticket and, on the advice of Carson Daly (!), goes about setting the world's wrongs right. HUMPY'S TAKE: If it stays this strong, this could be your favorite comedy of the year (not counting Arrested Development, of course).
And quickly … The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (NBC, 8 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 21): Martha's out of the joint and ready to whore! E-Ring (NBC, 9 p.m. Wednesday, Sept. 21): Like a cock ring, except with the Pentagon. And Invasion (ABC, 10 p.m. Wednesday, Sept 21): Hurricane washes up alien weirdness in a Florida town. A suntan AND anal probes? Where do I sign up? (And you thought you'd escape without a single butt joke.)
Butt, booty, tuchis, heinie, honey-baked ham.
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, SEPT. 15
8 p.m. CBS SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA
Season Premiere! A new group of survivors washes up on some ancient Mayan ruins now with shambling mummies!
10:30 p.m. COM THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
Debut! Smarty-ass David Spade hosts this new show that skewers Hollywood types (like himself).
FRIDAY, SEPT. 16
8:30 p.m. WB TWINS
Debut! A pair of non-lookalike twins takes control of their parents' lingerie company. Cue the naked models!
9 p.m. CBS THRESHOLD
Debut! Hotsy scientists make first contact with butt-poking aliens!
SATURDAY, SEPT. 17
8:30 p.m. PBS THE GRATEFUL DEAD
(Movie, 1977) For those unable to muster up the courage to kill themselves, check out this horrifyingly annoying concert film.
SUNDAY, SEPT. 18
8 p.m. CBS EMMY AWARDS
Ellen DeGeneres hosts this ceremony historically devoted to honoring the worst shows on television.
MONDAY, SEPT. 19
8 p.m. FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Season Premiere! The Bluth family returns for another hilarious season! This episode: Michael ruins everything for everybody.
8:30 p.m. CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Debut! Doogie Howser and Willow from Buffy star in this new sitcom about a loser looking for a wifey.
9 p.m. WB JUST LEGAL
Debut! A legal prodigy hooks up with a washout lawyer (Don Johnson) in the 5,937th law show of the season.
TUESDAY, SEPT. 20
8:30 p.m. ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS: DANCE OFF!
John O'Hurley and that talentless bitch Kelly Monaco hit the floor to decide who's boss!
9:30 p.m. NBC THE OFFICE
Season Premiere! Steve Carrell is back as the clueless boss in last season's breakout hit.
10 p.m. FX NIP/TUCK
Season Premiere! Christian gets his face sliced off, while Sean looks for a new partner. What a jerk!
WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 21
8 p.m. NBC THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWART
Debut! This week, the contestants learn to make decorative electronic ankle bracelets.
8 p.m. UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season Premiere! Meow! Meow! Pfffft!! Pfffft!!
9 p.m. ABC LOST
Season Premiere! The castaways finally discover what's inside the mysterious hatch and it smells poopy!