So we're halfway through January, and you're probably feeling pretty shitty about yourself right now. Just two weeks after you declared 2019 was going to be a major turning point, your social life is still in the toilet and you aren't making a penny more in take-home. And your "weight-loss campaign" consisted of requesting a membership application at Planet Fitness, grabbing a handful of the free Tootsie Rolls and heading out to the parking lot for a good cry.
But hey, it could be worse. Some people are doing even more poorly than you are. I mean, there are theaters that still have to play Holmes and Watson.
Let's see what else our multiplexes are getting stuck with this week.
Opening this week:
Dragon Ball Super: Broly Somehow, we've made it to 20 feature films in the Dragon Ball franchise, which means we're at the point where the cashier at Hot Topic can explain to you that this is the first one to feature a fully canonical version of the titular villain. She will also be able to explain to you that his name is a play on "broccoli," while it will be my job to assure you that I am absolutely not making that up. Personally, I'd prefer it if "Broly" were one of those street colloquialisms old white people like me have to look up on Urban Dictionary: "You gonna check out that new Dragon Ball flick, fam?" "Yeah, 'broly." "You gonna order the super-size nachos and start crying again if I mention Planet Fitness?" "'Broly." (PG; playing Wednesday only at Regal Waterford Lakes Stadium 20 & IMAX, Cobb Plaza Cinema Café 12, Regal Winter Park Village Stadium 20 & RPX and Regal Oviedo Mall Stadium 22)
Glass Return with us now to those halcyon days of 19 years ago, when we were still trying to convince ourselves M. Night Shyamalan really had something. Unbreakable was absolutely preposterous and pretentious, but most of us wouldn't admit those qualities were Shyamalan's stock in trade until The Village, or (God help us) Lady in the Water. Unbreakable still has an inexplicable cult following, so it's that universe the filmmaker is returning to for Glass – which also serves as a sequel to 2017's Split, considered an above-average entry in the now-discredited Shyamalan oeuvre, despite having incurred the ire of a lot of real-life sufferers of dissociative personality disorder. And I know, because some of them are Facebook friends of mine, and they really went off on that movie. Some of them even used all six of their accounts to do it. Visit orlandoweekly.com to read a thorough appraisal of Glass by our own Cameron Meier. (If that is indeed his name.) (PG-13)
Bohemian Rhapsody Sing-Along The Freddie Mercury biopic is enjoying another run in theaters, in a version that encourages you to join in the exhilarating melodies. But wait a minute – I thought the Golden Globes said this thing was a drama? Can't wait for the sing-along House That Jack Built! (PG-13)