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Opening in Orlando: Holmes and Watson, Aquaman and more

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Opening this week:

Aquaman Let's get this out in the open: Entourage to the contrary, there was never anything regrettable about Aquaman. In fact, he was way cooler when he was a clean-cut ersatz Buster Crabbe who talked to flounder. And he's way less cool now that he's a filthy, musclebound caricature of masculinity who is to lonely single women what feature strippers with 56GGG implants are to guys in raincoats. But deep down, you knew that already. (PG-13)

Bumblebee How much must it chap Michael Bay's ass that the first Transformers picture he didn't direct is the one that's getting the best reviews in the history of the series? Variety even calls it "quieter, more character-driven" than the previous outings. Come on, guys. Now you're just trying to piss him off. (PG-13)

Holmes and Watson Here's the kind of thinking that dooms films. Originally, Sacha Baron Cohen was to play Sherlock Holmes, with Will Ferrell as his Doctor Watson, in this comedic take on the classic mystery franchise. Which might have worked pretty well, I think. Then Cohen was out, so Ferrell got bumped up to the part of Holmes himself and John C. Reilly was brought in as Watson. But who cares about appropriate casting as long as you can keep Will Ferrell, right? Then again, filmmaker Etan Cohen did write the great Tropic Thunder, so maybe there's hope here yet. I just don't want to hear Watson volunteering to cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe and swallow the gravy. I mean, I don't think I do. (PG-13; opens Tuesday, Dec. 25)

Mary Poppins Returns Visit orlandoweekly.com to see what our Seth Kubersky thought of Emily Blunt's turn as the classic Disney heroine. Hint: He called the film "practically perfect." Hope I didn't Blunt the impact, nyuk nyuk. (PG; opens Wednesday, Dec. 19)

Second Act Lying on her résumé affords Jennifer Lopez a flourishing professional life she doesn't technically deserve. That isn't a synopsis of this movie; it's the actual Wikipedia entry for "Jennifer Lopez." (PG-13)

Vice Perpetual chameleon Christian Bale once again gained a serious amount of weight to play Dick Cheney in Adam McKay's snarky biopic. Less known: Ever the method actor, he also had a surgeon remove his mortal soul. (R; opens Tuesday, Dec. 25)

Welcome to Marwen Forrest Gump fabulist Robert Zemeckis casts Steve Carell as an assault survivor who builds a miniature World War II village as therapy. On orlandoweekly.com, Cameron Meier renders his verdict. Is Marwen worth visiting, or should we all just stick to Crabtown from A Mighty Wind? (And don't even get me started on Synecdoche, New York.) (PG-13)

Also playing:

Vox Lux Natalie Portman plays a Staten Island native whose career in show business is beset by scandal and personal issues. Working title: The Pete Davidson Story. (R; playing at Regal Winter Park Village Stadium 20 & RPX, Regal Waterford Lakes Stadium 20 & IMAX, and Regal Oviedo Mall Stadium 22)