Ahoy, mate! Welcome aboard the PacificÃAmerican Princess. While other cruise lines are pestering their customers with intrusive and upsetting bulletins about a certain international epidemic -- which will remain nameless -- we're as committed as ever to bringing you a week of carefree fun in the sun. But before we leave port, we'd appreciate it if you took the time to tell us a little bit about yourself. This information will help us make your holiday a more relaxed and rewarding one, while not in any way infringing on the basic right of privacy we allow you to retain as part of your voyage -- at no extra cost!
What is your country of origin?
b. Mainland China
c. Hong Kong
d. Somewhere else SARS comes from
What are your interests/hobbies?
a. Skeet shooting
b. Coin collecting
c. Spreading SARS
d. Remote-control car racing
What percentage of your total income do you expect to spend next year on the treatment of physical ailments, including (but not limited to) psoriasis, lower-back pain, the common cold and SARS?
d. The whole nine yards
What is your age?
d. Old enough to persuasively compare SARS to the Black Death in a tightly written five-paragraph essay
With which historical figure do you most closely identify?
a. Abraham Lincoln
b. Alexander the Great
c. Typhoid Mary
What phrase best describes your attitude toward communicable diseases?
a. Never had 'em, never will
b. Cleanliness is next to godliness
c. An apple a day keeps the doctor away
d. Nice work if you can get it
How did you hear about this cruise line?
a. Travel agency/brochure
b. Radio/TV spot
c. Newspaper ad
d. Friend with SARS told me about it
What sorts of activities do you intend to pursue while aboard this vessel?
b. Dance classes
c. Respiratory failure
d. Casino gambling
Our spacious staterooms are justifiably well loved by our customers. When your chambermaid turns down your bed for the night, what would you like to find resting on your pillow?
a. A wafer-thin mint
b. A single red rose
c. An adorable plush teddy bear from our gift shop
d. A box of antimicrobial hand wipes
As a passenger on the Pacific-American Princess, you will be guaranteed to dine at the captain's table on at least one occasion. Should it become necessary (for some vague, unforeseeable reason) to shield the skipper's dinner plate from your breath, which preventative measure would you prefer?
a. Surgical mask
b. Suit of armor
c. Tabletop laser-defense grid
d. The captain shouldn't bother to eat; no one's getting off this floating death trap in one piece
While our record of returning passengers safely to port is unparalleled in our industry, extreme circumstances do bring about the occasional fatality. Given a choice, how would you like to see your earthly remains handled?
a. Cremated and scattered to the four winds
b. Dumped overboard in the traditional "burial at sea"
c. Wrapped in duct tape and stored in the hold until next of kin can take possession
d. Preserved by our on-board taxidermist for use as the ship's new masthead