(2010-321896) 8:30 a.m. — A very unlucky woman learned why it's always worth it to mend fences: If you don't, some pervy guy might think you're an exhibitionist. According to the police report, "an unknown suspect was watching victim `sic` through an opening in her backyard fence and masturbating. The victim was unable to positively identify the suspect." At least he didn't mistake it for a glory hole.
(2010-323053) 2:46 p.m., (2010-323916) 11:01 p.m. — July 9 will go down as a red-letter day in Orlando's never-ending War on Drugs. In the afternoon's nabbing, the aptly named Officer Brilliant spotted a car running a stop sign. He pulled the suspect over and discovered 71 ecstasy pills and 63 grams of cannabis in the vehicle. The suspect was arrested for possession and trafficking. Later that night, two officers responded to "an anonymous complaint of drug activity." The officers chatted up the person in question and managed to find $1,972 (oddly specific, no?) lying around and nearly 100 grams of weed in the room, with a quarter of that on the suspect's person. With stashes like that in hand, central booking could have held a really killer party.
(2010-324285) 2:48 a.m. — These days, our friendly neighborhood miscreants are starting to go out on a limb. A front window of the Orlando Prosthetic Lab was broken, though it was not known if anything was taken.
(2010-323971) 11:24 p.m. — A vehicle was stopped for a window-tint violation. We guess the stop must have been made by an officer with x-ray eyes that can spot these types of things at 11:24 at night. Anyway, the suspect had a Glock in his waistband and "was trying to sell it at Crossroads Court Apartments." How does one go about selling a Glock at an apartment complex, anyway? Do you go door-to-door? Post it on the community bulletin board?
(2010-325673) 11:00 a.m. — Now this one really does fit the bad TV vibe: a guy was held against his will by the suspects in question after being "assaulted with a razor and beer bottle." His great escape came in the form of leaping out a window and stumbling into a Popeye's. The employees called 911 at his request (no word on whether he wanted fries with that). One suspect was identified, but the other remains at large.
(2010-328772) 10:45 p.m. — Another person was busted after a traffic stop for possessing about 20 grams of cocaine, six Xanax pills and two-and-a-half grams of marijuana—not to mention $2,230 in cash and "a pink Skittles container." (Yeah, we don't get it either.) At this rate, no wonder they're so gung-ho on red light cameras — they practically pay for themselves.
(2010-329835) 4:57 p.m. — A "drug transaction" was observed outside our shiny, big-city like Lynx Central Station. When those involved in said "transaction" saw a police officer approaching, they ran away. One was halted on the spot while the other kept running, throwing a bag of marijuana into the air, apparently thinking that if he had no drugs on his person, he wouldn't get caught. Eventually, he was chased down by a motorcycle cop and apprehended.apprehended.
(2010-330538) 1:15 a.m. — Two men were looking to score some pot, but things turned sour when one of the men in question pulled a gun and demanded $100 from his compadre. The money was exchanged, and no charges were filed. Talk about a raw firstname.lastname@example.org