(2010-308337) 2:35 p.m. — An unknown number of suspects stole a pack of gum and a flashlight from a garage while the victim slept inside her house. How did the perp(s) get into the garage? "The point of entry was the garage door that the victim leaves about one foot open for her cats to come in and out," says Officer Punt. You know, they do make smaller, cat-sized doors so this type of thing doesn't happen (except in Arrested Development).
(2010-308932) 9:46 p.m. — The cops were out pounding the pavement in Parramore, investigating "person(s) loitering in a high drug area." With a tip like that, shit's about to get real. What they saw was shocking – a man placing an item behind an air conditioner. It wasn't just any item, though: It was crack cocaine (supposedly, that's the good stuff). The suspect was arrested for possession and intent to sell, but at least he didn't steal the copper from the AC while engaging in chicanery.;;
(2010-311454) 11:30 a.m. — Officer Brown says it best: "The arrestee was in possession of a Short Barreled Shotgun [sic]. The suspect was carrying the weapon concealed in a tee-shirt [sic]." Was the shotgun swaddled in the T-shirt and carried around like a personal Jesus, or was the suspect wearing the shirt with the shotgun in his sleeve like a pack of cigarettes? We want to know!
(2010-311465) 11:40 a.m. — A man threw a rock at another, causing "serious" head injuries. Times are tough, admittedly, but using rocks as weapons has to be a new low for this town.;;
(2010-313219) 1:38 p.m. — Who knew there was a type of police incident with as many slashes as "shooting at/within/into structure/vehicle"? Not us. But that's what happened at – get this – the Florida Gun Show. Meta! Apparently, one vendor "spontaneously stated that he had pulled the trigger" of a firearm, which caused it to, well, fire. Two other vendors started bleeding, giving a whole new meaning to killing off the competition. Just think: If there had been a Glee tie-in, this could have been the new West Side Story.
(2010-313353) 3:39 p.m. — A car was illegally parked in a disabled space, which really shouldn't merit mention here. But when Officer Cruz noted a "strong odor of cannabis […] coming from the interior of the vehicle" in question, he started to investigate. Inside the car-turned-hotbox? One-hundred one grams of the stuff, with $570 for good measure. Maybe there was a reason the suspect parked in the disabled space after all.;;
(2010-315815) 4:00 p.m. — A woman and a sexually ambiguous witness were strolling along Colonial Drive when "an older brown Toyota four-door sedan pulled alongside them and threw hard candy." Not to be outdone, the suspect also "yelled racial slurs" at the pair. Apparently, this is the second time this has happened to the victim. Mel Gibson just does not know when to stop.
(2010-315202) 9:18 p.m. — Cutting loose on America's birthday is pretty American. Spinning your car out at 436 and Pershing into oncoming traffic? Not so much. Naturally, cops arrested the driver and his passenger only to find 17 grams of shrooms, some amount of weed under 20 grams (guess they don't bother counting at that point) and "an assortment of drug paraphernalia." God bless America!;;
(2010-315799) 8:15 a.m. — A business on Colonial Drive was "entered by smashing the front window" sometime over the holiday weekend. No word as to whether or not an errant firework is the culprit.;;
(2010-316887) 1:56 a.m. — More from the "our detective skills are sorely lacking" department: two perps broke into a business on Lakehurst Drive, but "at the time of the report, it was unknown if anything was taken from the business." Who knows—maybe there's a rash of people who are just breaking glass for the sound of it (à la David Bowie). You're such a wonderful firstname.lastname@example.org