(2009-508882) 12:30 p.m.: Over to you, Officer Thomas: "Victim notified 911 ref to observing an individual riding his bicycle which he reported stolen last week."
(2009-509430) 7:16 p.m.: Here in my new digs, in the land of the steak hoagie (wit' Whiz!), the mere thought of entering a Firehouse Subs or any other chain is apostasy. Of course, down there your options are more limited, and hell, it's just as good as any other establishment to rob. So is the Burger King down the street.
(2009-509510) 8:23 p.m.: A 44-year-old cop tries to detain a 24-year-old man downtown. A scuffle ensues; the 24-year-old man ends up in the hospital and faces battery charges. In other words, another Monday night in Orlando.
(2009-509775) 11:59 p.m.: "Victim notified police of a possible occupied residential burglary. Victim advised a black male later identified and arrested was observed exiting the area from behind the residence." For whatever reason, Officer Jackson couldn't nail our perp on burglary charges, so instead, he piled on possession of burglary tools, loitering, prowling and resisting arrest without violence. Either way: jail.
(2009-509823) 12:50 a.m.: Hello, hate crime! For the second time in two days, the Greater Orlando Baha'i Center has been torched. And you, dear reader, are now asking yourself, "What the heck is a Baha'i, and why does someone care enough to set the building on fire?" I'm here to help: Baha'i is a 19th-century religion founded by someone named Baha'u'llah, who tells us (according to www.bahai.org), "Humanity is one single race and the day has come for its unification in one global society." Baha'u'llah, naturally enough, fancied himself a messenger of God, just like Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Moses, Abraham and a few other people you've actually heard of. The religion claims 5 million worshippers worldwide; its teachings, for the most part, touch all the bases of your everyday hippie shit — peace, love, equality, religious unity, etc. Now, why would someone have such a passion for reducing this Baha'i center to rubble? That, I can't tell you.
(2009-510416) 11:11 a.m.: "The victim said that he was intentionally struck by the side-view mirror of a small gray car that was leaving the parking garage."
(2009-510453) 11:38 a.m.: This week's copper theft is brought to you by a flooring business on North John Young Parkway.
(2009-510457) 11:43 a.m.: "Unknown suspect(s) entered the possibly occupied, fenced-in property (private residence) at an unknown location. The suspect(s) cut a screen window of the house and removed a camera and iPod from the living room. No other information on the suspect(s) was available."
(2009-510508) 12:27 p.m.: Someone stole a 2001 Chevy Malibu. If you're asking yourself, "For God's sake, why?," this could be a clue: "Inside the vehicle was approximately 500 rounds of .40-caliber ammunition."
(2009-510553) 12:52 p.m.: Teenagers, if you're going to steal a bunch of video games from someone's house, don't stash the merchandise at your mom's. She might decide to teach you a lesson and let the cops do a little searchie-search. Have fun in juvie, you little bastards.
(2009-510864) 4:16 p.m.: Officer Geschke was on "proactive" patrol when he "conducted a consensual encounter with the arrestee and recovered 0.3 grams of cocaine that was inside a clear, hard-plastic cigarette case."
(2009-510944) 5:14 p.m.: Our next perp, 61, was picked up with some pot and blow. Burn out, don't fade away, man.
(2009-511129) 7:14 p.m.: "On Oct. 27, after a road-rage incident with the first victim, the suspect, driving a green Ford Explorer, attempted to strike the second victim (first victim's wife) with a stick. The victim avoided being struck, and the suspect fled the scene in his vehicle."
(2009-511602) 1:02 a.m.: Failed break-in at a Curry Ford apartment.
(2009-512288) 11:17 a.m.: Another stolen car, this time a Chevrolet Caprice with a Smith & Wesson in the trunk.
(2009-512982) 6:50 p.m.: This week's Police Beat Perv o' the Week is a 30-year-old man who showed his junk to, and "physically touched," a 13-year-old girl. Oh, and he's already on the sex offender registry.
(Case number missing) 11:45 p.m.: Officer Rosario conducted a vehicle search at the Airport Ale House after reporting probable cause for "plain smell." But! She didn't find dope inside; well, maybe she did, but it's not in this report. Rather, while patting down our 27-year-old suspect, Rosario came upon a green .45-caliber handgun in our boy's waistband — he wasn't happy to see her; ha! — with a loaded magazine. And he didn't have a permit, so that's a problem. Jail.
(2009-513425) 12:26 a.m.: What would this column be without an armed robbery? About 50 words shorter, that's what. So hey, four young thugs approached two men who were riding bicycles along Cepeda Street, produced a handgun, and jacked their wallets and rides. Two of them rode off in one direction; the others hauled ass on firstname.lastname@example.org