(2009-503761) 7:26 a.m.: Officer Williams has some issues with verb tense: "On the above listed date and time, unknown suspect(s) gain entry into the business by knocking a hole in the north side wall of the business. The suspect(s) first gain entry through an adjacent vacant business utilizing a unlocked rear door. Once inside the business, suspect(s) kicked in the office door; however, there appears to be nothing missing from the business at the time of this report."
(2009-503859) 8:49 a.m.: Officer Clark reports: "Unknown persons used a four-point lug wrench to shatter the front glass door at `a West Colonial Drive auto sales business`. The suspect(s) rummaged through desk drawers and removed a white Chevy Cobalt from the rear of the building. A burgundy Nissan Maxima was removed from the front of the building."
(2009-503934) 9:39 a.m.: Our next bad guy "removed 13 AC coils from 13 individually unlocked storage containers."
(2009-504893) 8:29 p.m.: "Two subjects were observed loitering and prowling in the listed area. During an area check for discarded contraband, a hidden firearm was located near the two subjects. One subject later admitted ownership of the firearm post-Miranda."
(2009-505333) 2:28 a.m.: Our next victim was approached by a dark, older-model sedan. "One subject exited the vehicle and punched the victim in the mouth before taking the victim's money and credit cards."
(2009-505889) 12:20 p.m.: Out at the Central Florida Fairgrounds, two men got in a fight. One of them had a handgun tucked in his pants, but for whatever reason, declined to use it to end the altercation. The cops who showed up to break up the fight, however, did notice when he tried to ditch the aforementioned weapon, the serial number of which had been filed off. To jail with both of you, but especially you!
(2009-505970) 1:31 p.m.: A man was forced into his hotel room and beaten by two men, who took his keys. He escaped just in time to see the men jack his ride.
(2009-505993) 2 p.m.: Two guys forced a 47-year-old man into their car at gunpoint, took his ATM card, forced him to cough up his PIN, withdrew all of his cash, then kindly dropped him off somewhere in Altamonte Springs.
(2009-506240) 5:44 p.m.: The cops responded to a burglary in progress. The bad guy was found on a porch a block away. He "admitted to walking into the victim's residence."
(Case number missing) 5:54 p.m.: A 45-year-old suspect smashed a car window downtown and made off with the "GPS adapter" inside. The cops chased him on foot and nabbed him a few blocks later. Officer Evangelista says the bad guy may be involved in a bunch of other smash-and-grabs, too. Oh, and since Evangelista lists himself as a victim, there was probably some unfriendliness when the two met.
(2009-506774) 12:27 a.m.: Officer Anderson took one of those high-paying off-duty gigs at Halloween Horror Nights, and ended up being forced to Taser a young man who battered him.
(2009-506814) 12:59 a.m.: Armed robbery on Lake Underhill Road. "Forty to 43 dollars" and an iPod vanished.
(2009-506864) 1:41 a.m.: The following incident earned our next defendant an aggravated battery arrest: "On the above listed date and times, I conducted a traffic stop on a black newer-model Impala. … The vehicle backed into my patrol car, and then drove over the curb. I could not see the driver due to the dark tint. My vehicle did not suffer any damage as a result of the incident."
(2009-506877) 1:59 a.m.: They say Orlando is not a bicycle-friendly city. On West Oak Ridge Road, they are correct: "Victim was robbed by six unknown black males while riding his bicycle home eastbound on West Oak Ridge Road at Millenia Boulevard. The suspects knocked the victim down, struck him once in the face with hand/feet" — um …? — "`and` took the victim's wallet and bicycle. Suspects fled on foot/stolen bicycle eastbound on West Oak Ridge Road. Contact was not made with the suspects."
(2009-507538) 3:29 p.m.: "Between `Sept. 1 and Oct. 23`, unknown suspect(s) climbed on top of the roof at `redacted` Mercy Drive, removing the copper wire from 14 air-conditioner units," Officer Counihan reports.
(2009-507659) 5:27 p.m.: If someone chased you down Conway Road in a Chrysler sedan and shot at you with a .40-caliber handgun, the cops would like to hear from you.
(2009-507701) 6:09 p.m.: Wrought-iron chair stolen from an East Livingston Street business.
(2009-507873) 8:06 p.m.: So, this sap picked the wrong place to carry an engagement ring, which two men — who "implied a weapon" — removed from him, along with his cell phone. Now he can't even call his significant other to tell her the ring was stolen.
(2009-508207) 1:20 a.m.: Ladies, listen up. After parking your car for an evening downtown and then drinking tequila shots with Bud Light chasers, it's not a good idea to leave your purses inside your parked car. It just makes your vehicle a target for firstname.lastname@example.org