(2009-450746) 7:51 a.m.: Oh, what's that? You want me to tell you all about my new hometown? Fine. I have a pimp corner office overlooking Old City. The weather is awesome, at least for now. The traffic sucks donkey nuts; seriously, hit a traffic jam on I-76 and you'll never complain about I-4 again. The city, on the whole, is an odd amalgamation of shitty and beautiful; ghettos in horrid states of disrepair abut neighborhoods of absolute opulence. There are some fantastic beer bars, but some bizarre-ass liquor laws. For instance, you can either pay egregious bar rates for a six-pack from your local pub — think $12 a sixer — or plunk down $35 for a freaking case of beer at the depot. No beer at the local grocer, or even the 7-Eleven. Want a bottle of scotch? Find your way to the state-run store, a feat that's not nearly as easy as it sounds. On the other hand, functional public transportation is a big plus.
So, OK, Officer Wright, let's get this party started. "On the above date and time, unknown suspect(s) removed four rims and tires from a black BMW. The unknown suspects left the BMW on two cinder blocks." Which means half the car was on the ground?
(2009-450876) 9:35 a.m.: Officer Sanderlin writes in ALL CAPS, because he's TOTALLY SERIOUS about the bomb threat the city's solid waste management facility received. "THE THREAT WAS MADE ON THE TELEPHONE MESSAGING SYSTEM AND ADVISED WITHIN 84 HOURS IT WOULD EXPLODE." But IT DIDN'T.
(2009-451011) 11:33 a.m.: "As the victim walked on the 5800 block of Curry Ford Road, a Hispanic took the gold medallion from around his neck."
(2009-451327) 3:03 p.m.: Someone ripped off "electrical items" from the First Baptist Church of Orlando's First Life Pregnancy Center, which means that some zygote will enter this world deprived, and that's sad.
(2009-451711) 7:07 p.m.: If I wanted to drive around with 469 grams of the good weed, I'd carry a gun too. Unfortunately for this next fellow, both of those things will send you to the clink and get your 1996 Honda seized.
(2009-451726) 7:16 p.m.: "On the above date and time a known suspect `redacted` to the victim" — who is 12, by the by — "snatched the victim's cell phone from his hand by force, then fled toward the woods behind" an apartment complex. Bullies suck.
(2009-452654) 8:11 a.m.: "Unknown person(s) removed nine steel beams and several wooden pallets from the rear of `an Edgewater Drive shop`. The total loss was approximately $600."
(2009-452689) 8:32 a.m.: Officer Allison, please report to remedial grammar: "On the above date and time an unknown suspect entered 1114 St Tropez Cir and commit the offense of Arson."
(2009-452927) 11:44 a.m.: Another all-caps report? What's up with OPD this week? I've been doing this column gig for, what, two years now, and I've never before seen cops going blog-style pissy with the caps lock key. But here they are, print-YELLING at this bus-stop necklace snatching.
(2009-453304) 4:06 p.m.: Officer Ross was battered by a guy who was being Baker Acted. He then introduced our mentally disturbed friend to shock therapy, OPD-style. Hello, Mr. Taser.
(2009-453291) 4:01 p.m.: Officer Spidell is into the ALL CAPS as well. She's angry — SO FREAKING ANGRY — that someone stole a Toyota Prius from a rental car lot. Don't you people know those things are GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT? Though the car vanished in July, they just got around to reporting it now. Think of all the gas it has saved since then.
(2009-453415) 5:24 p.m.: If you steal a car, it's not a good idea to carry around a bunch of dope.
(2009-453809) 9:33 p.m.: This would count as an unwelcome surprise: "The victim left his vehicle unattended for a few minutes. Upon return to vehicle, two suspects were in the vehicle." He got carjacked.
(2009-454133) 1:59 a.m.: Someone set fire to a vacant apartment.
(2009-456697) 2:27 p.m.: "After a brief foot pursuit, the arrestee was detained. The arrestee was in possession of 0.1 grams of crack cocaine."
(2009-456965) 6:05 p.m.: This is teh suck: "Unknown persons smashed the driver-door window to pop the trunk lever to remove a laptop, printer and accessories that had been purchased at the `Mall at Millenia` Apple Store immediately before the victim arrived at the `Olive Garden`." Moral of the story: Don't eat at Olive Garden.
(2009-457434) 10:36 p.m.: Officer Johnson restrained a drunky.
(2009-457742) 1:19 a.m.: Getting loaded at Universal Studios does not give you the right to get slappy with a cop.
(2009-457977) 4:45 a.m.: These guys ain't getting any nookie tonight: "The victims were dropping off their dates … when they were approached by five to seven black males with guns. The victims were battered and their pants, wallets and cell phones were taken."firstname.lastname@example.org