(2009-361968) 9:31 p.m.: The world, dear friends, is ripping apart at the seams. If it's not scared old people disrupting health-care town halls, it's Miley Cyrus hitting the stripper pole at the Teen Choice Awards. If it's not Sarah Palin bemoaning Orwellian "death panels," it's some douche in a Saab ramming another guy on I-4.
(2009-362244) 12:38 a.m.: "On the above date and time unknown suspect(s) broken `sic` into the property using a rock. No items were taken at this time."
(2009-362466) 4:32 a.m.: Why do businesses intentionally misspell their names? I mean, I imagine it has something to do with being "cute," but really, doesn't it just make you seem "illiterate"? Anyway, at the Korner Store — see, it's a "K" instead of a "C"; clever, right? — someone was beaten and robbed.
(2009-364378) 7:49 a.m.: The following took place at a church: "Unknown suspect(s) … removed a three-ton air conditioner unit, along with several garden tools."
(2009-365179) 8:50 p.m.: Our next gentleman was pulled over on the East-West Expressway. Considering that he had 59.5 Xanax pills (what happened to the half-pill?), nine Oxycodone pills, pot and a handgun in the car, he probably wishes he hadn't been.
(2009-365616) 1:31 a.m.: A John Doe was arrested after "causing a disturbance" and then allegedly battering the cops who tried to cuff him.
(2009-365697) 2:42 a.m.: Is there a more pretentious nightclub than Blue Martini? While leaving said shiny-shirt emporium, this guy decided to fire a shot out of his window. Unfortunately for him, an off-duty cop saw the thing go down, and he was quickly pulled over and carted off to jail.
(2009-367614) 11:07 a.m.: Hey, a copper wire theft. Who would've imagined?
(2009-369025) 7:17 a.m.: Our next victim, 57, was approached on Mercy Drive by a teenage beggar who first asked for change, then relieved the man of his wallet and the $200 inside.
(2009-369047) 7:34 a.m.: From the Sucks to Be You file comes the fellow who smashed a business's glass front window with two concrete bricks and removed two cash drawers … both of which were empty.
(2009-369898) 5:30 p.m.: Um, guys? The Mall at Millenia tends to be a busy place in the afternoon, so maybe that's not the best time to be wandering around the parking lot trying to break into cars.
Time and case number missing: "I, Officer A. Howard, made contact with the arrestee after he threw a loaded 9 mm handgun into the bushes."
(2009-370993) 8:46 a.m.: Another smashed window, and a stolen flat-screen television. You ever get the feeling this column is just the same thing over and over again?
(2009-371024) 9:16 a.m.: Speaking of, here's a guy who hopped a barbed-wire fence to smash a car window.
(2009-372072) 9:07 p.m.: Yet another sliding glass door-smashing. Nothing is new, ever.
(2009-372531) 2:47 a.m.: "Suspect removed the wood plank covering the victim's bedroom window. The suspect was scared away by the victim and fled in an unknown direction." Here's the twist: Our victim is a 62-year-old man. Our suspect is a 50-year-old woman.
(2009-373239) 2:01 p.m.: This time, our suspect broke into a home, stole car keys, then took off in the vic's 2008 Toyota Yaris.
(2009-373486) 5:14 p.m.: "The victim … was shot by an unidentified person at the above address while sitting in his car."
(2009-373694) 7:30 p.m.: Another shooting. In this case, our victim met his maker.
(2009-379487) 7:32 a.m.: Somebody croaked at the county psychiatric hospital. According to the police report, this was an "unattended death," which means that the dead person wasn't under the hospital's care. The cops don't suspect foul play, but they don't have a cause of death either. Look for this one on Dr. G: Medical Examiner.firstname.lastname@example.org