(2009-350331) 11:14 a.m.: Things I stole from the office this week: House M.D., Season 5 from film editor Justin Strout's desk (sorry, dude). A couple of CDs from the break room, but they sucked so it doesn't count. A swig from the whiskey bottle editor Bob Whitby keeps stashed in his desk.
Things this guy stole from the apartment he broke into: Nothing.
(2009-350479) 1:24 p.m.: A 48-year-old woman was walking down Parramore Avenue with just south of a half-gram of crack in her left hand. Jail.
(2009-350956) 6:47 p.m.: A man in jean shorts — who wears those anymore? — approached a gentleman walking down West Washington Street, and with pocket knife in hand, kindly asked for a donation. Then, to ensure that his point had been made, the fellow slashed at our victim, lacerating his left hand. Apparently, that was good enough, and our bad guy made off with an undisclosed wad of cash.
(2009-351557) 11:51 p.m.: Another beat-and-grab: this time on Lake Underhill Road, with a stick.
(2009-351743) 1:25 a.m.: And hey, what do you know? These things come in threes. A poor soul was walking down South Semoran Boulevard when three fellows — at least one of whom was a teenager — walked toward him. One conked him on the back of the head with a small bat, which had to hurt. Another pulled out a handgun, which was all the incentive our victim needed to turn over his cash.
(2009-351929) 3:30 a.m.: I can't imagine it's easy to quietly steal patio furniture, so if you're going to do it, you should come up with a plan for when somebody wakes up.
(2009-352142) 8:25 a.m.: You know what's perfect rainy-afternoon music? Johnny Cash's "Sunday Morning Coming Down." "The beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad/So I had one more for dessert." Preach it.
Anyway, a guy broke into five cars at a used-car dealership and caused about $2,500 worth of damage.
(2009-353366) 11:16 p.m.: A holdup on South Semoran. Shocking, truly.
(2009-353463) 12:14 a.m.: From the F Your Life file: "Two unknown suspects approached the victim while he was having car trouble and robbed him at gunpoint of his wallet and cell phone."
(2009-353517) 12:49 a.m.: Consider: If you have an active homicide warrant, it might be best to lie low. Driving around without a license, getting pulled over and having a semiautomatic handgun on you doesn't count as "lying low."
(2009-353644) 1:59 a.m.: Hey, another armed robbery. I love this town.
(2009-353691) 2:33 a.m.: Oh, and here's another.
(2009-353825) 5:19 a.m.: Our villains broke into a West Colonial Drive shop and robbed some, uh, loose change.
(2009-354580) 6:33 p.m.: Two cops happened upon a "suspicious person" in a parking lot. "Further investigation revealed the suspect had burglarized several vehicles and was currently burglarizing a rental truck." The suspect, a transient, was generously afforded a bed for the evening, courtesy of the 33rd Street jail.
(2009-354651) 7:30 p.m.: "On the above listed date and time, an unknown suspect entered the occupied residence without permission and took the victim's wallet."
(2009-354698) 8:04: Officer Chaplin was working one of those sweet, sweet off-duty gigs at Universal Studios when he was asked to escort a disorderly 40-year-old off the premises. The man refused to leave, so Chaplin arrested him. While Chaplin was filling out the arrest paperwork, the man allegedly "battered me by kicking me in the leg."
(2009-355554) 8:51 a.m.: Someone smashed a wine bar's window. Love this line from Officer Clark: "Damage is estimated at an undisclosed amount of money."
(2009-355566) 9:01 a.m.: Attention, Little Caesars: "Under the front counter" might not be the best place to stash your safe overnight.
(2009-355628) 9:41 a.m.: So this oxycodone must be one hell of a drug, huh? I mean, I've never had it — swear — but I've never had the sort of debilitating physical pain that warrants it. Crippling emotional pain? Sure. But that's why God invented Xanax and bourbon.
Our last suspect of the week, a young, unshaven man in a baseball cap and khaki shorts walked into a Walgreens and demanded all the oxycodone they had in stock. He got it, too, and presumably had a wonderful firstname.lastname@example.org