(2009-272498) 8:44 a.m.: Open garage door plus unlocked car equals theft.
(2009-272503) 8:47 a.m.: Police Beat Dick Move o' the Week: "Unknown person(s) broke into Taco Bell and took the money from the charity container."
(2009-272666) 11:05 a.m.: Epic fail: "An unknown suspect attempted to distract the victim who was inside the house by knocking on the front door and ringing the doorbell. While the victim was at the front door, the second suspect attempted to gain entry into the residence through the rear sliding door. Both suspects were scared off by the victim and fled the scene."
(2009-272856) 1:10 p.m.: Less epic, still fail: "Unknown suspect(s) attempted to cut the chain link securing the victim's lanai area with bolt cutters. The suspect(s) caused a secure cut in the chain link, but that did not break the chain gaining entry."
(2009-274348) 6:10 a.m.: Someone stole $400 from a building on North Rio Grande Avenue.
(2009-274416) 7:55 a.m.: A guy broke into a dollar store, but couldn't make off with the safe.
(2009-274437) 8:10 a.m.: Police Beat Dick Move o' the Week redux! "Unknown suspect(s) broke into the Taco Bell store and removed a charity collection box. … It should be noted that this is the fifth Taco Bell store that has been hit this way in seven days."
(2009-274664) 12 p.m.: This seems way too easy: "A black male, wearing a black Boston Red Sox hat and black shirt approached the customer service desk at the Urban Trust Bank. The suspect passed a note demanding money. The bank teller complied and the suspect fled the scene with an unknown disclosed amount of U.S. currency in an unknown direction."
Wonder what the note said.
(2009-275233) 6:21 p.m.: Two juvenile delinquents rob a house, then set it on fire.
(2009-275314) 7:14 p.m.: Fire set in a trash can at an elementary school.
These little bastards need to find something constructive to do when they're not flunking math. Or at least they could sit on the couch, smoke weed and watch Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, where they're not bothering anyone else.
(2009-276551) 12:16 p.m.: Our bad guy was "observed by undercover drugs making hand to hand drug transaction." That sentence just gave our copy editor a migraine.
(2009-278764) 5:35 p.m.: "Officers responded to Shingle Creek Elementary School in reference to voices being heard by Sonitrol. Two juveniles were discovered in one of the portables and were taken into custody with no further incident." See, kids, Big Brother is watching. Of course, none of you have ever read 1984, so you don't know what I'm talking about. Also, it's worth pointing out that the police report doesn't say what these two boys were doing in said portable.
(2009-280524) 6:57 p.m.: If you're going to try to rob people with an air pistol, make sure they can't kick your ass and hold you until the cops show up.
(2009-280723) 9:25 p.m.: Speaking of delinquents who will be going to bed without supper tonight: "While conducting a traffic stop on a juvenile driver, it was revealed that the juvenile had stolen the vehicle from the legal guardian `and` legal guardian desired prosecution." To juvie with you, young lady.
(2009-281055) 1:08 a.m.: Listen up. I know you're only 16, and since school is out whatever was keeping the primordial ooze that constitutes your brain inside your noggin has pretty much evaporated in the summer glow of video games and Boone's Farm, but there is a proper protocol for being pulled over by the police, and it's pretty simple. They flash the lights, you pull over. See? Not real hard.
"This officer attempted to make a traffic stop on a vehicle. Upon conducting the stop, the vehicle refused to stop and continued to drive at a slow pace, eventually stopping at his residence. Contact was made with the driver and he was arrested."
Didn't work for OJ, won't work for you.
(2009-281215) 4:44 a.m.: Crime pays: A man "used a piece of concrete to smash the front glass at the Shell station. Once inside, `he` removed a pair of shoes, took 18 packs of beer and fled the scene."firstname.lastname@example.org