May 12

(2009-223729) 2:59 p.m.: So, hey. Thirty. Not so bad. Just got word the other day that this column is officially awesome — it's been nominated for an Association of Alternative Newsweeklies award, which is something of a big deal in this industry, though it's perhaps a few steps shy of a Pulitzer. Oh, well. At least Billy Manes is jealous.

And I'm not the 33-year-old who got busted with 33 grams of blow and 30 rolls in his car.

(2009-223790) 3:42 p.m.: Or the two guys held up at gunpoint in an apartment complex.

(2009-224102) 7:35 p.m.: Or a bullet-ridden corpse.

May 13

(2009-224814) 7:16 a.m.: A cop heads down to an apartment complex after a reported stolen vehicle. Three other cars were also burglarized.

(2009-225128) 10:30 a.m.: "On the listed date and time, Officer `redacted` and Officer `redacted` arrested a suspect for sell and delivery of heroin and possession of heroin with intent to sell."

(2009-226139) 9:43 p.m.: Holdup at a North Orange Avenue coffee shop. Poetry slam interrupted. Tears everywhere. Or so I imagine.

May 14

(2009-226875) 8:50 a.m.: Armed robbery in Parramore. "The victim waited a day to report the crime."

(2009-226970) 9:57 a.m.: While our victim was working the previous night, someone cut through a screen on his apartment, opened the unlocked sliding glass door and made off with a laptop computer.

(2009-227439) 2:58 p.m.: Someone tried to break into a house through the rear French doors. Big, epic fail.

(2009-227564) 4:35 p.m.: True story: When I was 18 and in college, I took a gig as a valet. It was easy money: Run to parking lot, drive a car, collect a tip and repeat. Except, while valeting on a busy downtown street, I realized I had a small problem — I wasn't really good with the stick shift. Which, you know, can get you in trouble when the guy who just handed over the keys to his Porsche sees you stall out and/or grind gears within four seconds of taking the wheel. I learned the art of stick via trial-by-fire, but eventually I did learn. These fellas — who are both in their 30s (!) — won't get that chance. From the police report: "Two arrestees attempted to carjack the victim, however, once inside the vehicle, discovered they were unable to drive a stick shift and fled from the vehicle on foot. Both arrestees were located and arrested." Jail, bitches.

(2009-227908) 9:22 p.m.: No jail: "On the above date and time, a consensual search of a vehicle yielded a loaded .357 Ruger revolver. Due to the location in the vehicle, no charges will be filed at this time. The driver denied ownership and the gun was placed in property and evidence."

May 15

(2009-228164) 1:11 a.m.: Oh, son of a bitch. Someone robbed the Total Wine & More. He (or they — the police report can't decide between singular and plural) entered through an open door and left with two bottles of booze. It doesn't look like he went for Thomas Hardy's Ale, which is the best thing ever, so all's well. And he got caught, so that's good too.

May 18

(2009-233482) 7:30 a.m.: Someone broke into an elementary school classroom and "removed a small amount of money from a fundraising candy box." Assholes.

(2009-233743) 10:46 a.m.: A villain broke into an auto repair shop in Parramore and removed the stereo equipment from a Cadillac.

May 20

(2009-237001) 12:15 p.m.: Stereo equipment stolen from a church on Mercy Drive. "Unknown suspect(s) entered a locked door by unknown means." Cue the Church Lady: Mmmm, Satan? Remember when Dana Carvey was funny?

(2009-237346) 4:28 p.m.: Watch out, criminal scum, Officer Coleman is on the case: "My investigation revealed, between the listed dates and time, an unknown `redacted` possibly gained entry to the business by utilizing a key."

(2009-237485) 6:13 p.m.: "On the above date and time, a juvenile suspect entered an unlocked screen patio of the victim's residence, removed a bottle of liqueur" — Destinee, perhaps — "and fled the scene on foot in an unknown direction."

(2009-237498) 6:23 p.m.: Dear homeless people, if someone declines to buy you food, the proper response is not to steal her purse. Sincerely, Police Beat.

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