(2009-190950) 11:58 a.m.: So walking down Parramore Avenue with a crack pipe and some hard in plain sight in the middle of the day isn't a hot idea?
(2009-191316) 4:10 p.m.: Another Parramore crack bust. Shocking, I know. I thought building Rich DeVos' Golden Pleasure Dome™ was going to fix this nasty crime problem. How could that plan possibly have failed?
(2009-191777) 9:12 p.m.: The scourge of illicit narcotics casts a shadow on our fair city once again. This time, there's 200 grams of sweet mary jane and a handgun in the trunk of a Hyundai.
(2009-191806) 9:32 p.m.: "The suspect was in a location not usual for a law abiding citizen and was observed smoking crack cocaine."
(2009-192100) 1:12 a.m.: Someone broke into a house through the doggy door, jacked the keys and stole the car out front. The resident thinks it's her runaway stepdaughter.
(2009-192108) 1:21 a.m.: Another break-in where the burglar steals nothing.
(Case number missing) 10:07 a.m.: Someone ripped off a kiosk in the Fashion Square Mall "by removing the tarp and pushing in the clear plastic sliding doors. Suspect(s) removed numerous chains and watches, replaced the tarp and then fled the scene."
(2009-192961) 2:30 p.m.: Three guys used a tire iron to break into a house on Kirkland Avenue, but fled when the woman who lives there saw them.
(2009-193052) 3:35 p.m.: A 24-year-old walked up to the counter at the International Drive Twistee Treat and "requested the employee give him all the money from the cash register." The alleged villain didn't produce a weapon, or even say he had a weapon, but as Officer Peet so eloquently states, he "created an atmosphere of his words and body language."
(2009-193100) 4:05 p.m.: The same guy (!) apparently tried the same thing at a Starbucks, but failed. The cops tracked him down, arrested him and seized his T-Bird.
(2009-193106) 4:10 p.m.: "Two unknown white males entered the victim's residence claiming to be spraying for ants and termites. During their time in the victim's residence, suspect No. 1 was able to swindle a gold ring off the victim's left ring finger." The victim is 92. Were I king, these guys would be first up against the wall with a blindfold and a cigarette.
(2009-193197) 5:27 p.m.: Someone kicked in a South Conway Road apartment door and stole a Smith & Wesson .38 revolver.
(2009-193328) 6:55 p.m.: If you have two active arrest warrants, it's probably not a good idea to be walking around with five bags of pot.
(2009-193450) 8:12 p.m.: Another South Conway break-in. Same guy? Who knows. This time, our suspect made off with electronics.
(2009-193724) 10:48 p.m.: "On the above date and time, the suspect approached the victim on the driver's side of his vehicle. Suspect took a screwdriver on the left side of the victim's body. Suspect then took the stereo from the vehicle's dashboard."
(2009-194205) 4:56 a.m.: A fight on I-Drive got stabby.
(2009-194375) 8:45 a.m.: A guy broke into a Thornton Park office and "stolen" some shit, reports Officer Madden.
(2009-194818) 3:36 p.m.: A dude stole two purses — Dolce & Gabbana and Gucci, natch — from two women in a car.
(2009-195669) 1:43 a.m.: An armed robbery nets an iPhone.
(2009-195739) 2:51 a.m.: If you're driving with a suspended license and an illicit handgun and happen to get into an accident, it is not advisable to steal a gold necklace from the guy you crashed into and run. When the cops then track you down, it's not advisable to run on foot. They'll catch and Taser you — and when you break a cop's finger in a scuffle, they'll charge you for that too.
(2009-195977) 9:24 a.m.: This is what we call a bad morning: "On the listed date and time, the victim left the Parliament House with an unknown white male and was left in an unknown location near Lucerne Hospital where he flagged down an unknown Hispanic male in a black sedan. He got in the vehicle; the unknown Hispanic male locked the doors and told the victim to empty his pockets. Upon doing so, the suspect opened the doors and let the victim exit."
(2009-196092) 11:33 a.m.: A guy trying to break into a house gets "detained" by the 58-year-old homeowner, who held him until the cops arrived. Fail.email@example.com