(2008-38578) 5:58 a.m.: Happy New Year! While you're reading this, I'm probably passed out on my couch reaping the consequences of a two-week vacation/whiskey binge. And the last thing I want interrupting my bacchanal is writing this column.
It is every columnist's right to publish one bullshit regurgitation piece per year. This is mine. Let's revisit some of our favorite moments from the Year in Crime.
We'll begin with best cop-speak. This comes from Officer Kraft: "I asked `suspect` if she had any ‘stems' or ‘crack.' These are common street terms for `pipes used for` smoking crack cocaine and crack cocaine respectively. I asked the arrestee what she was hiding in her jacket and she showed us a brown bottle that was approximately three-quarters full of liquid. It had the odor of alcoholic impurities and was labeled ‘Budweiser.'" Classic.
(2008-63341) 11:46 a.m.: Best useless crime: A McDonald's manager called the cops after a man used a water cup to get a soda; the manager confronted the guy, and he threatened to kill her. For good measure, Officer Baker informs us: "The McDonald's is a food service establishment that prepares and sells food for immediate consumption on and off the property."
(2008-XXXXX) 7:58 a.m.: Best useless crime, part two: A guy broke into a house and stole a roll of garbage bags.
(2008-147116) 9:20 a.m.: Best monkey-related dispatch: The cops were called out to Conroy Road in reference to an "aggressive monkey." As Officer Shaheed tells us, "The monkey was charging citizens as they were attempting to capture it. This action caused the citizens to run into the street and almost get struck by passing vehicles. After the monkey was contained and given a banana by one of the responding officers, it calmed to the point that Animal Control could capture it and place it in a cage."
(2008-148435) 3:02 a.m.: Best mom-versus-cop story: Officer Gregg was trying to chase down a suspected shooter, but didn't do very well: "When I attempted to pursue one of the suspects, the suspect's mother grabbed me and hindered me from chasing after her son."
(2008-195481) 12:02 p.m.: Best dirty cop talk: Only because it comes from the unfortunately named Officer Beaver, who unfortunately decided to describe a cell-phone store robber who "pulled a revolver with a long barrel out of his waistband."
(2008-289299) 9 a.m.: Best crime involving a co-worker: The theft of Weekly editor Bob Whitby's half-blind miniature American Eskimo doggie, Princess. A woman saw Princess wandering down the street and picked her up. Then the woman parked her car in front of Whitby's house and asked the neighbors if they knew whose dog it was. The neighbors pointed to Whitby's residence, but the woman apparently didn't believe them. As she drove off, Whitby yelled at her to bring his dog back, but she drove off anyway.
A week later, Whitby retrieved Princess from Animal Control.
(2008-321660) 11:05 p.m.: Best dick cop: Officer Montgomery responded to the downtown LYNX bus terminal, where a clearly touched old woman was wandering around naked. He asked her for ID, and she threw four quarters at him. So he hauled her ass to 33rd Street, because it would have been way too much trouble to get her some help.
(2008-389350) 12:46 p.m.: Best Police Beat screwup: In the course of a rant about marijuana laws, I said that the street value of 52 grams was about $50. As more potheads than I care to remember reminded me, you drop $50 for an eighth of an ounce. Fifty-two grams is more like an eighth of a pound and worth a lot of money. I am not good at firstname.lastname@example.org