(2008-426695) 7:10 a.m.: Orlando criminals have evolved since our last edition, wherein I chronicled the bungled efforts of some dunderhead who couldn’t figure out how to smash a glass window. This week’s first smash-and-grabber broke a window at an under-construction McDonald’s and stole a “Bosch work radio.” I don’t know what that is, but then again, I’ve worked construction exactly one day in my life. I opted not to return when the foreman made a joke about a 12-year-old girl playing across the street, something about “If there’s grass on the field ….” Gross.
(2008-428191) 11:01 p.m.: Car burglaries at the outlet mall on I-Drive. Once the check from the Orange County Convention and Visitors Bureau clears, I’ll not be mentioning crimes of this sort again.
(2008-428538) 3:29 a.m.: Armed robberies are so two weeks ago.
(2008-428713) 7:37 a.m.: If you’re going to break into an office and steal a computer, fine, go for it. But is there really a need to spray-paint the walls? Now you’re just being a jerk.
(2008-429528) 6:58 p.m.: Our villain broke into a transmission shop on Orange Blossom Trail but didn’t take anything, which kind of makes him a lame villain.
(2008-429573) 7:40 p.m.: Two 13-year-olds stole a 43-year-old man’s bicycle. He doesn’t want to press charges.
(2008-429914) 12:13 a.m.: When our victim’s roommates went out for the evening, his bike was tied up on the front porch. When they returned, not so much.
(2008-430094) 2:39 a.m.: Someone kicked in a metal shop’s front door. Nothing is missing.
(2008-430196) 4:36 a.m.: Hey, another burglary! Officer Kirby, OPD’s grammarian of the year, describes the incident thusly: “Unknown suspect(s) through a tire iron through the Dollar Kings front glass door.” Once again, nothing was taken. If someone could explain to me the point of breaking and entering but not stealing, I’d be most grateful.
(2008-430312) 8:44 a.m.: Good God, one more. This time, our bad guys broke into a store on West Church Street and made off with cash and lottery tickets.
(2008-430804) 4:36 p.m.: I’m not sure how this went down, but two guys apparently robbed a Domino’s pizza delivery woman of cash and pizza without using a weapon.
(2008-430850) 5:07 p.m.: Another week, another armed robbery to boycott. Then again, given the rash of commercial burglaries we’ve seen this week, perhaps I need to rethink my formula.
(2008-431043) 8:03 p.m.: Then again, maybe not: Boycott.
(2008-431689) 8:06 a.m.: Some crook(s) smashed a medical supply office’s front window, went inside and jacked $7,000 worth of computer monitors. Apparently, they left the computers alone, which is pretty stupid.
(2008-432295) 4:18 p.m.: Shoplifting at a Macy’s. The security guard tried to detain them, but after they “violently resist`ed`” him, they drove off in a white Nissan Maxima. We should expect such events to become more commonplace as this holiday season approaches, on account of how everyone’s 401(k) has collapsed and all.
(2008-432469) 6:19 p.m.: Fight! Cops responded to a reported (mostly chick) kerfuffle on Watauga Avenue and arrested four people, one of whom had a gun. And I’m going to venture a guess that the gun-holder has some other problems awaiting: “The firearm recovered was stolen out of a commercial burglary that had occurred in the county,” Officer Eaton reports.
(2008-432924) 1:09 a.m.: A traffic stop reveals … cocaine. Which also happens to be my favorite Eric Clapton song (remember, kids: no junk, no soul): “If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues, cocaine. When your day is done and you wanna run, cocaine. She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.”