(2008-364442) 2:20 a.m.: Good news! According to Orlando Weekly's most recent focus group — prospective interns and some guy on a bus — the kids totally dig this column! This, and Blister — but more importantly, this! Ah, the sweet smell of validation — and job security! Let's celebrate while we can.
Our first villain broke into an obstetrician's office with a cement block. "Suspect(s) gained entry at that point and exited through the front door," Officer Lange reports. "It was undetermined what the suspect(s) had taken or removed from the business."
(2008-364696) 9:33 a.m.: Please keep in mind that the following crime scene is an apartment, not a mansion. Go, Officer Betz: "Unknown person(s) burglarized the residence listed above, occupied by eight people, none of which heard entry being made." Our thief made off with two laptops, a PSP, an iPod and "a bag with miscellaneous items inside."
(2008-361702) 7:51 a.m.: Someone broke into a landscaping shed and stole landscaping equipment.
(2008-366105) 11:10 a.m.: Two guys in a Honda Accord shot at three guys inside a Ford Expedition.
(2008-366147) 11:44 a.m.: Take it away, Officer Jackson: "Unknown suspect(s) burglarized eight vehicles in the unsecured Carmax parking lot. … The vehicles were all locked and there are no signs of forced entry." Odd, don't you think?
(2008-366503) 5 p.m.: A thief or thieves tried to raid a gay bar's booze cooler. Back to you, Officer Jackson: "It is not believed that the suspect(s) were successful in opening the cooler, as in the act of cutting the lock the suspect(s) bent a piece of metal on the door, preventing it from opening." Fail.
(2008-366878) 10:22 p.m.: A short guy in a hooded sweatshirt held up a man at knifepoint and took his wallet.
(2008-367372) 7:17 a.m.: "A Hispanic male called the Benton Express and said that he was going to blow up the building."
(2008-367383) 7:25 a.m.: Someone broke into a few businesses on Silver Star Road and stole a bunch of computers and digital cameras.
(2008-368594) 9:30 p.m.: The moral of this story is that if someone points a "black long barrel pistol" at you and demands money, don't tell said bad guy that you don't have money when in fact you do. In this case, after watching Victim No. 1 get conked on the head, Victim No. 2 wisely threw whatever money he had at the suspect's feet and lived to tell his tale.
(2008-368600) 9:40 p.m.: A house on Cristina Marie Drive was ransacked.
(2008-368765) 11:37 p.m.: "Unknown suspect(s) attempted to throw a wooden log through the front door" of a beauty supply store on West Church Street. "Attempted," not "succeeded." Epic fail.
(2008-368815) 12:12 a.m.: Crack dealers, listen up: Being conspicuous is not in your best interest, and sitting in a car in an empty parking lot in Parramore in the middle of the night with three would-be clients or acquaintances or whatever you want to call them is pretty much the height of conspicuousness … strike that. Tossing an empty cigar tube loaded with cocaine after a cop has located you and asked you to step out of the vehicle — that's conspicuous.
(2008-368957) 2:36 a.m.: Ever wake up in the middle of the night humming a song that not only have you not heard in ages, but is also a total non sequitur to all other trains of thought you may be having? No? Well, I've had "O Canada" running through my brain all morning, and it's annoying as all hell. I'm not even Canadian.
In other news, a man held up two people in a car parked in their driveway, then escaped in an awaiting vehicle.
(2008-368965) 2:47 a.m.: A perp stole a flat-screen television from an International Drive business, just in time for football season. Coincidence? Maybe. But I'll just assume that he or she is a Seminoles fan who will be using that TV to watch his team get destroyed in the ACC this year, because it's my column and that's what I want to do. Suck it, 'Noles.email@example.com