(2008-236601) 11:20 p.m.: A 25-year-old suspect pulled a 51-year-old man out of a business on South Lee Road, beat him up and took his money. Dick.
(2008-236904) 2:59 a.m.: A perv on South Orange Avenue pulled down his pants and showed off his junk to two 30-something women. Then he spit on Officer Smith when she came to wrangle him up.
(2008-237109) 8:02 a.m.: Do you know what the most annoying song in the history of earth (or at least this summer) is? That “I can ride my bike with no handlebars” douchebag anthem that sends my blood pressure through the roof. Anyway, our suspect cut the screen of our victim’s patio and stole his bicycle, handlebars and all.
(2008-237151) 8:48 a.m.: Officer Padilla needs to work on his descriptive skills: “This pizza business was entered into by an unknown suspect. No force was used.” I’ll assume, because there’s a police report, that this guy took something while inside.
(2008-237300) 10:56 a.m.: Occasionally I go to the gym in my girlfriend’s apartment complex to work out. No really, I do. They have this little 19-inch POS television in there, which is pretty much worthless because every time I’m there it’s either on freaking Lifetime or one of those stupid mixed-martial arts matches – depending on whether there’s a cute little college chick hitting the treadmill (I can say that, my girl’s one of them) or some ’roid-rage meathead with big pecs and deflated balls – and I wish someone would just break the damn thing. On a related note, someone broke into another apartment complex’s gym and stole two 32-inch flat-screen TVs.
(2008-237469) 1:39 p.m.: Speaking of balls: Some perp smashed a window, broke into a police station on South Ivey Lane and stole a fax machine and some drinks.
(2008-240000) 7:58 a.m.: School break-in No. 1: Someone broke into an elementary school, broke some windows and took stuff. Oh, the joys of summer.
(2008-240075) 8:59 a.m.: Someone broke into the Quiznos sub shop on Kirkman Road, disabled the surveillance camera and jacked the safe. Them’s some smart bad guys.
(2008-240288) 12:02 p.m.: School break-in No. 2: A villain broke into another elementary school to steal copper water spouts.
(2008-241040) 11:19 p.m.: Folks, listen up. Above all else, this column is meant as a public service. And if you read carefully, you can pick up some valuable tips: Don’t leave copper lying around. Don’t walk alone through back alleys in ghettos. Don’t masturbate in public places. And for the love of God, lock your doors. Otherwise, you’re just making things too easy on the bad guys, thus distorting the cosmic balance between good and evil.
On the other hand, sometimes shit just happens. Our victim was standing at a bus stop on South Semoran Boulevard when someone shot him in the left hand.
(2008-241920) 1:52 p.m.: If your life is so pathetic that you’re reduced to trying to steal from a change machine in the laundry room of an apartment complex, it’s time to lay off the crack.
(2008-242050) 3:39 p.m.: So yeah, I’m over the armed robbery cases that come across my desk every freaking day. The story’s always the same: Poor lonely soul is walking in some less-than-desirable area – in this case, behind a convenience store – when some guys accost him or her with a gun and make off with his or her money, usually $20 or so. Today’s crooks used an assault rifle to snag a watch and some cash, then took off in a Dodge Caravan.
(2008-242565) 10:10 p.m.: And here’s another one. A man was walking down Dixie Belle Drive when two men approached him, pulled out a gun, beat him with said gun, then took his belongings. Dicks.
(2008-242642) 11:13 p.m.: School break-in No. 3: Since when do teenagers break into a high school? In the middle of the night? On a Tuesday? And what the hell is with going into the girls’ locker room but not taking anything – or even installing a camera? Kids are firstname.lastname@example.org