comment

May 9
(2008-202493) 9:48 p.m.:
If you try to steal someone’s car at a gas station and fail, running away with his keys won’t do you a lot of good.

May 10
(2008-202737) 12:41 a.m.:
Officer McNichols was staking out an auto glass store – why, I don’t know – when he noticed some nonsense a-stirrin’. “At that time, I heard the bushes rustling from the above business and observed the arrestee fall from a tree as he attempted to climb over a 6-foot chain link fence,” he writes.
Ooh, intrigue! “The arrestee acted stealthfully as he looked for a way to exit the business’ fenced-in compound. The arrestee jogged to the south fence … and jumped over it.”
Ooh, stealth! The cops caught him shortly thereafter, in case you were wondering.
(2008-205421) 3:52 a.m.: A 30-year-old woman was shot, but declined to press charges. So the cops took the liberty of searching her house. They found a gun and 265 grams of weed. That’s a lot of bud.

May 12
(2008-207547) 8:38 a.m.:
An unknown suspect(s) broke into a school construction site on Narcoossee Road and stole some tools from building No. 7, which the police report helpfully informs us “cannot be secured.”
(2008-207691) 10:37 a.m.: I’m a generally law-abiding citizen. I adhere to the posted speed limit. I wear my seatbelt. I place my gum wrappers in the appropriate waste receptacles. I water my lawn in accordance with local watering restrictions. I have not lowered my pants around high-school girls in, gosh, months now.  
Still, two years ago I was pulled over on my way to work. Turns out, even though I was studiously obeying the rules of the road, I had somehow forgotten to update the tag on my license plate. Recognizing the error of my ways, I was more than happy to pay the fine the friendly highway patroller sent my way. Boy, did I learn my lesson.
Others have not. An acquaintance of mine – I refuse to call anyone who violates the law a “friend”  – has not renewed his tag (or for that matter, paid his car loan) in three years. He’s gotten away scot-free! What gives, coppers?
Fortunately for the straight-and-narrow citizenry, unfettered lawbreaking is more the exception than the rule. As evidence, I point you to a 27-year-old man who was pulled over for driving with an expired tag in Parramore.
He also had one-tenth of a gram of blow on him, so he went to jail. Take that, scofflaws!

May 13
(2008-208718) 1:08 a.m.:
Swear to God, I once saw a porno that started exactly like this: “On the above date and time, two male suspects entered the residence and duct-taped the victim.” No porny goodness here, though. The two guys – described as “possibly Jamaican,” for what it’s worth – just stole “various items” and left.  Booooooring.
(2008-208834) 3:38 a.m.: This week’s liquor-store robbery comes to you from the SaveRite on South Semoran Boulevard. Per usual, someone threw a brick through a glass door, grabbed as much social lube as he could handle and left.
(2008-209351) 12:41 p.m.: Two men – one of them armed – walked into a barbershop and demanded money from an employee. Another employee tried to run, and they shot him.

May 14
(2008-210568) 8:03 a.m.:
Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: Having an “already damaged” emergency exit door only makes it easier for the bad guys to break in.
(2008-210932) 1:20 p.m.: Someone robbed a MetroWest park. “Unknown person(s) busted [sic] the door handle off of the concession drinks stand door at the above address and consumed miscellaneous chips and drinks.”

May 15
(2008-211860) 3:55 a.m.:
Today’s my birthday, and the birthday gods are rewarding me with stupid criminal awesomeness. To wit: Two teenage boneheads smashed a Winn-Dixie door in an apparent effort to raid a Coke machine. They were unsuccessful. Ponder for a second the logic these future Rhodes scholars were employing.
Go ahead. I’ll wait.

jbillman@orlandoweekly.com

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