News & Features » Police Beat




Jan. 31
(2008-46495) 1:23 p.m.: Breaking: Cops found drugs at an apartment complex on the Trail!

Normally, I wouldn’t let such a routine event take up this column’s precious real estate. However, this arrest warrants further examination, as it provides a case study in what not to do if a cop drives by and you’re holding. And I’m nothing if not helpful.

Here’s the story: Officer Howard was driving his squad car around the apartment complex when he saw the defendant “standing at the above listed address. As I approached the defendant in my marked police vehicle, he immediately turned away from me. I witnessed the defendant walk west away from me approximately 5 to 7 feet toward the apartments and pull out a white bag. The defendant then threw the white bag with his right hand to his right side.”

The bag had crack and pot in it, and a 22-year-old genius went to jail.

Feb. 2
(2008-49513) 8:22 a.m.: A guy broke into the “fenced-in compound” at a veterinary hospital, then broke into a metal shed and stole some cleaning supplies. There is no answer to the question, “Why?”

(2008-49621) 10:28 a.m.: Some people were simply not meant to be parents. Exhibit A: Our Police Beat Asshat o’ the Week, a “father” who beat his six-month-old son nearly to death.

Per the police report: The baby was crying, so the father “flung the child against the wall causing him to strike his head area,” Officer Goode writes. “The baby cried loudly and crawled back to him crying even louder. When the baby got close to the defendant, the defendant accidentally turned his head and head butted the baby in the face. The baby continued to cry and the defendant stated he punched the baby with his left hand [on] the side of the head. ‘Not with brute force,’ [the defendant said], but very hard.”

Feb. 3
(2008-50691) 2:23 a.m.: Two guys got a whuppin’, Louisville Slugger–style, behind a Universal Boulevard nightclub, but since both refused to tell the cops anything, we’ll assume they had it coming.

Feb. 5
(2008-53579) 9:27 a.m.: Ever pulled up to an intersection, only to have some dude in a 15-year-old Honda Accord pull up next to you with his sound system cranking so loud you can feel the bass in your genitals? Ever wanted to rip the speakers out of the dude’s car, throw them to the asphalt and pee on them? Me, too. But that’s illegal.

Anyway, someone broke into a guy’s Mitsubishi Starion at an apartment complex on Bent Pine Drive and stole a $1,300 stereo system, then sprayed Armor All all over the interior so the cops couldn’t get prints. Crafty.

Feb. 11
(2008-63341) 11:46 a.m.: Officer Baker was dispatched to an area McDonald’s concerning a disorderly customer, and he met with the store manager. Take it away, officer:

“[She] advised that she observed the defendant … using a water cup to obtain soda from the soda dispenser. She advised that defendant did not pay for soda and that the soda he was stealing was valued at $2.09. … [She] said she approached defendant and advised him that he was stealing soda he didn’t pay for.”

Hold up. Who among us hasn’t done that? When fast-food joints put the water dispenser next to the Sprite dispenser, they’re kinda asking for it. Right?

Turns out, it wasn’t the $2 soda that brought the cops out. “[The manager] said the defendant began threatening her … ‘with
bodily harm.’ She stated, ‘He was calling me a bitch and that he was going to fuck me up.’” That’ll get you a ride in a Crown Vic, fo’ shizzle.

Here’s Officer Baker explaining the charges: “[The suspect] committed burglary by continuing to threaten her as he followed her behind the counter where only employees are allowed.” (I’m not a lawyer or anything, but that doesn’t sound like “burglary” to me.)

And here’s Officer Baker explaining what a McDonald’s is, because cops are nothing if not encyclopedic: “The McDonald’s is a food service establishment that prepares and sells food for immediate consumption on and off the property.”

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