JAN. 10, 7:52 P.M.: So you’re waiting at the bus stop. The intersection of Mercy Drive and W.D. Judge Drive may not be the city’s safest, but it’s only 7 p.m. and the Lynx should be along shortly. You’re probably not too worried about your personal security.
Unfortunately, even at this early hour there are some thugs who wouldn’t mind kicking your ass and taking your laundry, as our 36-year-old victim discovered. According to Officer Bruns’ report, two men approached our vic from behind. One grabbed him around the waist, the other reached into his pockets.
Presumably they were looking for cash, not trying to play pocket pool. Either way, our victim was understandably pissed. He “began to fight back, trying to get away,” the police report says. Then one of the hoodlums clocked him in the eye, and he lost consciousness for an “unknown amount of time.” When he came to, the dudes were gone – and so were the clothes he was taking to the laundromat, which he valued at $300.
Just so we’re clear, Officer Bruns mentions that our victim “did not give anyone permission to hit him or take his clothing.”
JAN. 11, 3:35 P.M.: There’s some black-bag business going on here. For the third time in seven months, someone broke into a woman’s “locked, secured and unalarmed” house on Valencia Road.
This time, the visitor wore brand new rubber gloves when opening the back bathroom window (but clumsily left them behind). But our burglar didn’t ransack jewelry or appliances or anything else you’d think a thief would go for. Instead, he/she/they grabbed some legal documents and took off.
JAN. 13, 9:30 A.M.: Police Beat Tip o’ the Week: If you own a convenience store and you get a call from your alarm company saying that there might be a robbery in progress at your store, don’t wait nine hours to respond.
Our 31-year-old owner learned that lesson the hard way. When he stopped by his shop the next morning, $1,000 worth of Newport smokes and $500 worth of prepaid cell phones were gone. The suspect(s) broke in by smashing a small hole in the concrete block at the back of the store.
To review: If you’re going to pay an alarm company to protect your store, it’s a good idea to pay attention when they call you in the middle of the night.
JAN. 14, 7:10 A.M.: In other phone-card thievery news, $5,000 worth of international calling cards were snatched from a Semoran Boulevard dollar store. The suspect(s), who broke in by smashing the glass front door, also took $1,000 in cash.
JAN. 15, 5:59 P.M.: Our next victim was leaving work at the Rosemont Community Center when he was accosted by two teenage punks. Let’s toss this to Officer Stanaland for the narrative: “Suspect No. 1 brandished a silver and black semi-automatic small-framed pistol and suspect No. 2 told the victim, ‘Gimme what you got.’ The victim replied, ‘I don’t have anything,’ and turned to look towards suspect No. 1, at which time suspect No. 1 struck the victim on his right cheek with the butt of the pistol, causing a small laceration to the inside of his mouth, and swelling.”
The suspects then demanded his wallet, which the victim turned over. It didn’t have any money, but it did have his ID, bank and Social Security cards. They then took off.
The police report then detours into cop-speak: “Robbery Detective Stanaland” – we’re not sure if there are two Stanalands or one referencing himself in the third person; either way it’s confusing as hell – “was called in reference to this incident. Detective Stanaland advised to go ahead and do a show up even though it was close to the two-hour limit. A show up was conducted on [redacted] several other juveniles were there with him at the time he ran from police. The victim stated that none of the persons detained were the ones that robbed him. Officer Kuzma obtained FIRs on those four subjects. I also conducted a photo lineup with [redacted] which also met with negative results. The victim stated that suspect No. 2 looked a lot like but was not him.”
JAN. 16, 11:19 P.M.: You try to figure this one out. Two guys, about 20 years old, go into an East Colonial Drive 7-Eleven. They take one case of beer and walk out – without paying or showing ID, of course. “Upon exiting the parking lot they were approached by a cashier in reference to the stolen beer,” Officer Grice tells us. “One of the Hispanic males stated he had a gun inside of his jacket and placed the beer on the ground and left the area.”
If you’re going to employ the five-finger discount, then threaten the clerk with a gun you probably don’t have, at least take the beer with you when you leave.