OCT. 13, 6:30 P.M.: Some unknown suspect or suspects broke into a cleaning service business that specializes in window polishing in the 1340 block of Long Street. Shockingly, sprucing up kitchen windows or pressure washing that grimy driveway was not on the agenda. The nosy burglar or burglars instead snooped inside a single cabinet, almost as if ESP had revealed what goodies already nestled within: gasoline cans, brim-full of car juice. The three 5-gallon gas containers – worth $40 a pop – vanished along with the gasoline inside, which was worth an additional $100. Police reports add the cabinets themselves will cost $300 to repair.
OCT. 14, 8:20 P.M.: One lanky teenage lurker stopped by a convenience store in the 2700 block of Silver Star Road this evening. No, not to pay for fuel, or to purchase a bag of Doritos and one of those approximately 140-ounce Coca-Colas for the road.
Instead, he demanded dough from the cash register. The clerk opened it with haste, expecting our young miscreant to pop a Glock in her face any second. But he didn’t. He did attempt “to reach into the register but could not reach it,” however, police reports state.
She graciously saved him and his dinky arms from further embarrassment by handing over the prize our perp sought – $20. Then he skedaddled in a Ford Taurus.
OCT. 15, 2:16 P.M.: Just when you think O-town crime couldn’t get any more repugnant ... well, you didn’t really think that, did you? Because, c’mon, this is Orlando and all, and we have some pretty inconsiderate thugs around these parts.
Case in point: A 57-year-old handicapped man was wheelchairing around the 210 block of North Parramore Avenue, ready to cash his juicy Social Security check. “When he rolled his wheelchair out of the store and down the sidewalk,” police reports state, a 6-foot-tall, dreadlocked surprise awaited.
It was another man, 22, in a white T-shirt and red jeans. When the two crossed paths, our bystander didn’t hesitate to snatch the boodle-stuffed fanny pack hanging off the side of wheelchair man’s ride. Then he fled westbound, $700 wealthier.
Seriously, how low can you go?
OCT. 15, 10:37 P.M.: A lady, 43 years old, pulled into a peaceful plaza in the 2560 block of East Colonial Drive to pick up a gal pal from work. Shortly thereafter, the sound of a wailing alarm filled the night air. Where did it come from? A clothing store we all know for its affordable sweater collections and Morgan Fairchild commercials. That shop now bore a smashed-in front door, thanks to a man’s insatiable desire for, um, women’s jeans.
Police reports state that surveillance tapes show a man up to his ears in women’s jeans. In fact, it appears the only items missing were store-brand blue jeans – about 50 pairs, according to police reports.
The suspect sported light-colored cargo shorts and a dark-green shirt – which one might expect to find on this very store’s racks – but kept a laser-like focus on the women’s denim. When the deed was done, he exited with roughly “eight stacks of jeans,” reports add.
The bunch o’ britches will cost $1,500 to replace, police reports state. In the meantime, we can all be on the lookout for some dude selling discount dungarees from the trunk of his car.
OCT. 15, 11:13 P.M.: Another man, 40, fell victim to malevolent bystanders this evening at an empty parking lot near Pine Street and Terry Avenue. He was “walking through” when three men of equal age popped out, their fingers eager to filch, police reports state. But that’s not all.
“Hit him with the pipe,” one man instructed while another restrained our victim by the neck, reports add. Nice guys, huh?
A hearty whack to the forehead followed, and the triad of pickpockets fled toward Parramore Avenue with a wallet and $400 of undeserved loot.
OCT. 17, 9:01 P.M.: On this Tuesday night, a security guard conducted a routine security check in the quaint 9480 block of Silver Buttonwood Street. All was cool, for now. But on his second pass by a vacant house in the neighborhood, he discovered a problem.
A burglar or burglars had pried open the house’s rear sliding-glass door to gain entry. They didn’t take the usual random goodies – doorknobs, window panes, air conditioner parts – that we’ve seen in past burglaries. Instead, our stealthy suspect(s) settled for a kitchen stove, then split, likely contemplating suppertime ideas.
The estimated value of the oven is not known, police reports state.
Let us all be warned: The kitchen gadget boosters are email@example.com