AUG. 25, 12:16 A.M.: A Christian center in the 2000 block of West Central Boulevard fell victim to godless fingers early this morning.
After the suspect or suspects smashed and crawled through a window, they apparently deemed the Bibles, plastic rosary necklaces and Bible-study snack foods unworthy of taking. But a trio of CD players did make the cut. The three players — worth approximately $90, police reports state — were extracted from three separate classrooms. We can only hope our suspects have the common courtesy not to use them to play blasphemous rock music.
AUG. 26, 6:08 A.M.: Some victimized Orlando citizens will stop at nothing to achieve justice.
Such is the case with this morning's prey, a 51-year-old man who snored on his living room floor in the 400 block of Mercado Avenue while bad news broke in. His slumber was interrupted when a suspect, 25, slipped his mitts inside the victim's front right pocket. He did not intend to cop a feel, but simply wished to extract "a small change pouch," police reports state.
After doing just that, the burglar fled and our victim followed. The bad guy hopped in a red Ford Taurus without hubcaps and put the pedal to the metal.
One problem: The victim, according to the cops, was still holding onto the driver's door, which was open. The bad guy tried to shed his victim by slamming on the brakes, Jackie Chan style, but it didn't work. He tried it again with the same results.
The victim finally "lost his grip … fell onto the road … hurt his right knee and scraped his back on the road," reports state. The approximately $553 stuffed in his wallet was not recovered at the time.
The victim's sister states in the report that her bro is "somewhat mentally challenged," a li'l nugget of info that could account for such heroic horseplay.
AUG. 27, 8:07 A.M.: An elementary-school employee, 33 years old, was greeted by a nasty surprise on campus Monday morning.
It appears as if some naughty suspect or suspects gained entry to locked, fenced-in school grounds in the 200 block of Silverton Street by unknown means. Unlike last week's school-thieving antics, today's perp(s) did not leave satisfied with a handful of markers or a single plush Care Bear. They were out to leave their mark. So some spray paint was employed to taint the physical education building's north-side wall with the following language: "Ivey Lane on deck" and "Fuck you ho," police reports state.
The potty-mouth prose will cost approximately $150 to erase from the wall, police reports state, but it will probably never leave the children's minds.
AUG. 27, 3:15 P.M.: A 26-year-old man was out and about this afternoon but returned to an emptier abode than he left in the 900 block of North Orange Avenue.
It turns out a real estate agent popped by the pad earlier that day to show off the rented condominium, police reports state. In fact, that agent obtained six different keys from the condo complex that morning, one of which pertained to our victim. She snooped around each unit, but "upon exiting each of these units, she made sure that each one was left locked and secured and she then turned in the keys back to the staff," reports add. Pinky swears.
Peculiarly enough, a number of computers, electronic goods and prescription medications were reported missing upon our resident's arrival home. What's more, two more victims notified the lobby of stolen computers that same day.
Either there's a real estate agent out there enjoying a five-finger discount, or Orlando burglars have mastered the art of walking through walls.
AUG. 27, 10:14 P.M.: It wasn't quite time for fourthmeal yet, but one Spanish-speaking sustenance seeker roaming the 5500 block of South Semoran Boulevard didn't care.
The man, approximately 20 years old, walked in the door of a Mexican restaurant loved by Chihuahuas nationwide and demanded attention. He requested to speak with an attendant who could understand el Español. She asked him what he wanted and got the following response: "A meal."
This situation, however, would not be resolved by handing the man a Crunchwrap Supreme. He whipped out a weapon and further demanded all the moola from the register. Employees handed him an undisclosed amount of dough.
"If you don't give me the money from the box, I will shoot you," he responded, according to police reports.
Unfortunately, that really was all the cash she could offer, so the suspect exited the building, forgetting, perhaps, to swipe a taquito for the firstname.lastname@example.org