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POLICE BEAT

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AUG. 14, 10:23 P.M.: A 34-year-old man was hangin' near a local fast food restaurant in the 500 block of North John Young Parkway near Colonial Drive that reminds people, "You gotta eat," when trouble neared. On this day trouble took the shape of a money-demanding male in his 40s wearing a white-collared shirt and blue jeans, police reports state.

The victim told the aggressor he didn't have any money, which was not the right answer. It was such a bad answer, in fact, that the suspect made like he had a gun and forced the surrender of a pocketed $5 from the victim. That wasn't enough, however.

When the victim tried to make a getaway, trouble followed the scent of bacon cheeseburgers and chili dogs wafting through night air. He took refuge inside the drive-through joint's restroom because he was "fearing for his life," police reports state. Such a tactic proved fruitful, as did a later search of the area, allowing officers to catch the robber for a one-on-one convo. His side of the tale differed.

"A white male `our victim` approached," police reports state, asking "him if he knew someone that was selling crack." "The white male then gave him $5 to go find a dealer," reports add. When a dealer finally met him at the restaurant, an argument ensued, resulting in refusal to return the five bucks and one unhappy crackhead.

It's a confusing tale, but this much is known: You won't get far … unless you eat.

AUG. 16, 2:18 A.M.: What do you do when you spot a man, 23, sitting in a wheelchair — butcher knife in hand — announcing he's going to "kill a cop"? Call the cops.

"Who wants to kills someone tonight?" the psycho on wheels reportedly stated when a crew of cops arrived at the 6100 block of Raleigh Street. He brandished the foot-long blade, continuing to "taunt and dare" officers while asking them to "kill him."

But they didn't. Instead, Officer Sims tackled the man, catapulting him and his knife onto the ground, then slapped the handcuffs on. The man proceeded to ramble on about "attempting to kill himself" and admitted to taking quite the mixture of candies earlier that night: "Xanax, Tylenol, Bayer, Gabitril and alcohol," police reports state.

Based on the pills he'd admitted to popping and his "expressed desire to either kill a police officer or be killed by police," reports add, officers deemed the Baker Act appropriate and sent the suicidal man to be examined at Orlando Regional Medical Center.

AUG. 18, 6:29 A.M.: Earlier Saturday morning, while employees snoozed, a team of burglars hit up a popular electronics store in the 4100 block of Millenia Plaza Way.

Video footage reveals a truck pulling up to the business and backing up toward the gate. A chain was most cleverly attached to said gate; the other end was tied to the truck. The truck was then driven forward, and voilà, the gate popped open, granting four suspects entry after smashing the front window.

It's now 6:24 a.m., and our crew doesn't have a single second to waste. Police reports state the following technological goods made the hot list: 129 MP3 players, seven digital cameras, nine camcorders and 28 laptops. Total value of the stolen items is $52,891.

All that in a five-minute spree.

AUG. 19, 12:33 A.M.: A 40-year-old woman discovered that someone had broken into her parked car at her home in the 200 block of West Illiana Street today.

However, the vehicular vermin was not interested in the unlocked, unalarmed car itself. Upon breaking into the 1995 Honda Passport — gray/taupe in hue — not a single item was considered worthy of heisting. The ashtray, though, did capture our suspect's wandering eyes. It was simply broken, and the suspect disappeared. Damages are estimated at $20.

Here's a theory: Burglars are rooting for a smoke-free America, breaking into citizens' cars — one by one — and extracting their ashtrays. A stretch, of course, but nothing is impossible on the mean streets of O-Town.

AUG. 19, 9:11 A.M.: Another burglar set to work today, this time at a man's garage in the 1500 block of Spring Lake Drive.

The victim, 65, went to bed earlier that evening and, classically, forgot to close his garage door. Much to his misfortune, a wide-open garage door would attract more than green anoles and sporadic mosquitoes tonight. An unknown person took advantage of the opportunity and headed straight for the refrigerator.

Inside, the following tasty treats were taken, according to police reports: four bottles of MonaVie health drink, valued at $140; one case of ribeye steaks; one case of chopped sirloin meat; a case of jumbo deveined shrimp, valued at $336; a single $30 package of pork tenderloins; and a $12 bottle of V8 to wash it all down.

Expensive taste.

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