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POLICE BEAT

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;JULY 31, 7:16 A.M.: Not surprisingly, this week's report begins with a bunch of burglarized metallic scrap. It's become something of a recurring theme in this space, in case you haven't noticed.

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;The suspect or suspects chose to taint an awning business in the ever-so-groovy 500 block of Ferguson Drive. After cutting the lock off the fenced grounds, the suspect(s) indulged in the reckless swiping of two marquee awnings – valued at $5,800 a pop – six Bahama shutters, 20 feet of "aluminum angle stock," four fabricated "gutter beam assemblies" and 20 pieces of 25-foot-long "ditt deck extrusions," according to police reports. Whatever those are. Total value of varied rubble: $22,000.

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;"Several latent prints were successfully recovered from the aluminum angle stock, which had been found on the south side of the yard," police reports add. Note to prospective burglars: While we by no means condone your behavior, if you wish to continue burglarizing area establishments with limited interference from the fuzz, gloves are recommended.

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;AUG. 2, 11:40 P.M.: A family of vacationing Texans decided to sate hunger at a favorite sirloin steak buffet in the 6360 block of International Drive. While they dined on fluffy rolls, succulent red meat and an endless supply of iceberg lettuce, however, some unknown I-Drive lurker(s) shopped for their own treats.

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;Those desired morsels happened to be resting within our family's rented 2007 Dodge Caliber. The vehicular vandal or vandals found the parked car irresistible and broke inside via the driver's side door, thus unveiling a bundle of touristic treasures. Among the heisted items: One absolutely magnetizing Walt Disney World fanny pack, four plastic bags filled with $320 worth of miscellaneous Disney doohickeys, an iPod, two silver rings, a camera and other goodies.

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;It's not always a wonderful world.

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;AUG. 5, 12:58 P.M.: A man dressed as a woman – approximately 30 years old – stepped inside a popular dress for less–style store in the 5470 block of Touchstone Drive. He showed off bulging calves in tight blue Capri pants and long blond locks, and upon entering the store headed straight for the fragrance display. There, our gender-bender stuffed at least five fragrance bottles into his totally fabulous brown leather purse. Unfortunately for him, a "Loss Prevention Officer" stealthily monitored the perfume pilferage via closed circuit camera; the security guard recognized the perp from previous shoplifting encounters.

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;Our he-she was clueless to the surveillance. He continued his spree, selecting "a black shirt, valued at $12.99" from the middle of the store, before nonchalantly walking out the shop's first set of doors into the vestibule area. Officers detained the flaxen-haired man there, but our (wo)man had come prepared. He whipped a knife out of the handbag and began slashing it at the guards, who promptly backed off. Then the suspect took off, and a rollicking chase toward a nearby outdoor/sporting store ensued as our blade-bearing fruitcake screamed for the security guards to "back off" all along the way, police reports state. The good news: While running, our closet queen dropped his stolen T-shirt. The bad news: The guards lost sight of him somewhere in the outdoor store's parking lot.

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;Is it just us, or does this sound like one helluva Reno 911! episode?

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;AUG. 5, 2:59 A.M.: On a quest to enjoy the last couple of weeks of her summer, a 21-year-old women went out as so many young gals do in the City Beautiful, downtown for a night of steamy clubbin'.

;;It was about 9:30 p.m. – perfect time to score desperate, booze-infused dudes – when she and her friends parked under I-4 in the 200 block of West Washington Street. While they shook their booties at Chillers, perhaps, some unknown suspect sought his own booty from within their parked Mercury Marquis. Two witnesses watched from afar, in fact – they didn't call the cops, even though they figured the rummager was a transient and thought the whole thing fishy – as the approximately 40-year-old man pillaged through the navy blue car and its trunk. He managed to snatch a bunch of girly crap no man in his 40s really needs, including a book called Eat, Pray, Love, a Velcro wallet bearing a UCF symbol, a two-piece bathing suit, several cosmetic bags, $250 Prada sunglasses, a $300 iPod, $150 Chi curling iron and a $400 camera lens, among other garb you wouldn't expect to find in one's car trunk, police reports state. There were no obvious signs of a break-in, so it's entirely possible our victim simply left a door unlocked.

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;Total value of the assorted haul is approximately $2,000, and this author presumes our young lass will not be heading to Mako's anytime soon. And if she does, maybe next time she'll remember to lock up.

; feedback@orlandoweekly.com

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