JUNE 29, 6:57 P.M.: A 28-year-old man chose to spend his Tuesday evening cashing a fat check from his hotel job at a store in the 500 block of West South Street. Unfortunately, those hard-earned clams wouldn't rest in his pocket for long.
While cashing the dough, our man said "he felt a little uneasy," police reports state. This state of trepidation was due to four males — approximately 20 years of age each — lingering inside the store, their beady eyes burning a hole into the breadwinner. One suspect was described as having "bumps on his face," reports state.
Just as the man stuffed the wad of greens into his front pocket, two of the four dudes split. The man exited shortly after, heading north on Division Avenue until the delinquent duo cornered him. "Give it up," one man demanded, pressing a sharpened knife against the victim's chest, reports add.
And so our grand finale is a rather dismal one: Hooligans make off with a $389 paycheck they don't deserve.
JUNE 30, 9:06 A.M.: Speaking of suspects in dire need of Neutrogena, here we have another. Reports describe this blond-haired man as approximately 20 years of age, sporting "two bumps" on his mug near the mouth. Measly paychecks weren't for him, though. This dude meant business.
He stopped at a busy bank in the 2300 block of East Colonial Drive, but not for its ATM. It went down quite simply, really: robber hands nasty note to teller demanding cash, teller dishes over goods with haste. Reports add the man wore "a red T-shirt with ‘Jesus Christ' in white letters and blue jeans."
We doubt he would appreciate the association.
JUNE 30, 11:35 A.M.: Pocketing paychecks and robbing banks in holy attire may be despicable, but heisting gardening chemicals? Dirty.
A woman, 53, rested at her home in the 5100 block of Jeannine Court when an unknown suspect or suspects tiptoed onto her property. The perp(s) gained entry via a teensy opening in her 6-foot-tall wooden fence, then trudged through backyard dirt toward an unlocked screen porch. Reports state a "size 12 shoeprint" was embedded in the soil. Bigfoot scoured the spot for worthy booty until seizing on one $4 bottle of rose fertilizer. The flower food had been purchased yesterday, reports state, and the suspect or suspects "emptied half of its contents on to the outside deck for unknown reasons."
If you're going to heist rose fertilizer, so be it, but for the love of all chrysanthemums don't be wasteful.
JULY 2, 11:49 P.M.: Here's a sorry scenario we're all familiar with.
Late this Monday night, an undetermined suspect or suspects struck a fried chicken and fish joint in the 400 block of South Orange Blossom Trail. The perpetrator(s) hurled one hardy concrete block into a glass door on the restaurant's south side, creating instant access and $500 worth of damage. What our suspect or suspects swiped from that point on, reports state, is unknown, though "a large bag of frozen french fries was found in the dining area."
Police tried contacting someone from the restaurant immediately, but failed. Not only could they not reach her, but reports add "the phone number on file for the emergency contact was coming back to what appeared to be a fax machine." Furthermore, "code enforcement was notified by phone and by pager in an attempt to have the building secured," but again, the popos got no callbacks.
In other words, this fried, white meat hot spot is begging City Beautiful burglars to stop by and stuff their pants silly with hush puppies.
JULY 3, 6:16 A.M.: We wrap this week's thievery up with some unknown suspect or suspects breaking into a water treatment plant in the 3800 block of Shader Road, though not for a cool drink.
The point of entry remains enigmatic. "It is unknown how entry was gained into the business yard, as there is a 15-foot concrete wall surrounding the business and all gates into the property were locked and secured," police reports state. Basically, whatever our suspect(s) sought better have been worth one laborious wall-scaling.
That bijou lay in the break room: a vending machine, go figure, jam-packed with sugar-filled snacks. Our perp(s) shattered the contraption's glass with ease, but altogether blew the opportunity to stock up on sweets. Coins were the real candies here, as the suspect(s) opted for the cash box within. The box was later recovered in the yard outside the plant, with four bucks still inside. Perfectly good Whatchamacallit firstname.lastname@example.org