JUNE 13, 3:50 A.M.: Addiction swayed one burglar to do naughty things at a local grocery store in the 1400 block of South Hiawassee Road this early morning.
Our suspect slapped on suave duds — a white long-sleeved shirt, blue jeans, a pair of tennis shoes, gray gloves and a mask to conceal his mug — before sating the craving. According to police reports, the man hurled a hunk o' rock into the glass front door to gain entry. Inside, he headed straight for the rear of the customer service counter, bypassing aisles of boxed snacks, frozen veggies and canned sodas. It wasn't his stomach that pined for sustenance. He wanted smokes. Lots of smokes, actually.
Behind the counter, our addict set to work by stuffing a trash bag with a supply of cancer-stick cartons, then split like a banana. Total damages: $200 to repair the door and $6,000 to replace the ciggies.
JUNE 14, 11:01 A.M.: This is the tale of a family trip to the gas station gone terribly wrong.
A 24-year-old man pulled up to a gas station in the 4700 block of West Sand Lake Road with his wife, 30, and mother, 50. He left his lassies in the vehicle while he ran inside, and that's where the debauchery begins.
Parked next to the women was a 230-pound dude in his 20s, chillin' in a bright red Chevy Impala. Our friend was pumping something, but it wasn't gas. When our young hubby returned from the store, "his wife and his mother advised to him that the gentleman sitting in the red car had been staring at them while masturbating," police reports state.
He glanced over to observe the stranger and confirmed the gentleman was quite busily jackin' the beanstalk. Before putting the pedal to the metal, our traumatized trio noted the monkey-spanker's license plate number. On their way out, they noticed the man inching his way over to another gas pump — lo and behold, next to another lady.
The victims don't live here and said they didn't want to prosecute. Something tells us, however, that this isn't the last we've seen of this particular wiener-whacker.
JUNE 15, 6:16 A.M.: Another burglary occurred on South Hiawassee Road this week, this time in the 2100 block. This suspect also had a hankering for a different sort of vice, one that he reckoned could be found at a golf course: Booze.
Police reports say an unknown suspect or suspects lingered on the golf course's grounds and gained entry to its golf cart storage area by "climbing over the metal pull fence door." But our suspect(s) fought off the urge to speed away at 15 mph in a new golfmobile. In fact, not a single piece of golf paraphernalia was pocketed.
Instead, our perp or perps went straight for the good stuff: a load of bottled spirits stashed in a storage room and three envelopes filled with a total of $120 that would have gone to employees as tips. Damage to the booze-room door is estimated to be $150.
Snagging the booze we get. But taking employees' tips just seems like crossing the line.
JUNE 16, 7:34 P.M.: Some people sure are nasty.
Like this perp: a man — 5 feet, 1 inch tall — who spent a sunny afternoon around a bunch of pasty tourists and tweens at a local water park in the 6200 block of International Drive. Our 39-year-old aquatic thrill-seeker was arrested for an unspecified battery, which surely marked the end of one bitchin' day.
But he didn't stop there. This fellow — perhaps bitter that he hadn't had a chance get his funk on in a well-advertised retro water ride — eerily forewarned the arresting officer on their way out, according to police reports.
"Tomorrow, you will see, I get out tomorrow, you'll see, I'll get out tomorrow and I'll see you."
Um, yeah. "He would not explain what he meant," the police reports add. "It was only at the jail that he made it obvious what he meant."
So he was arrested, again, for threatening a police officer.
We may never know what brutal fantasies he had in store for our protectors of peace, but what is obvious would be the suspect's gargantuan case of little-man syndrome.
JUNE 17, 3:52 A.M.: An 18-year-old man was trudging northbound on Dollins Avenue this morning when an unexpected, and unwelcome, surprise befell him. A stranger on a beach-cruiser bicycle pulled up behind him, whipped out a black-and-silver semiautomatic pistol and pressed it into the nomad's back, demanding "everything he had," reports add.
"When the victim told him he did not have anything the suspect then hit him in the head with the gun."email@example.com