JUNE 5, 4:07 P.M.: A 61-year-old man lay cozily betwixt bedsheets Tuesday afternoon at his home in the 800 block of Arlington Street when he was rudely awakened. The noon sun, however, was not to blame; the sound of rummaging in his backyard is what disrupted his sweet slumber, and the source of the noise was not a pack of curious armadillos.
It appears some unwelcome suspect or suspects had sneaked into the yard, thanks to an unlocked wooden gate surrounding it. According to police reports, our snoozer "had forgotten to lock it last night."
Once on the grounds, the unknown perp or perps slipped inside a shed in the northeast corner of the yard and began poking around. The suspect(s) extracted a $200 Ryobi weed eater, a $100 Toro leaf blower and a hedge trimmer worth 25 bucks. It would have difficult to secure the property because, reports state, "The shed is unable to be secured as the side is warped from the sun."
JUNE 7, 7:02 A.M.: A family slept soundly at their apartment in the 2500 block of Woodgate Boulevard this evening, but awoke to a crime scene.
The father of the brood, 47, stated his son was the last to hit the sack, at about 12:30 a.m. When he woke up later that morning, the first gems he noted missing were two pairs of prized Nike Air Jordan sneakers, worth 200 clams apiece.
Next, our tennie-toting suspect or suspects headed to sister's room, where a single iPod Nano, $120, packed with hot jams was taken. But our perp or perps couldn't possibly split without pocketing a snack or two. Police reports also state that "one big bag of Oreo cookies and apple turnovers" went missing, too.
The suspect(s) then sneaked out via the balcony.the balcony.
JUNE 8, 1:36 A.M.: A man, 42, was enjoying some late-night air in the 3600 block of Columbia Street alongside his tan 1992 Chevy truck, which happened to sport "paw prints all over," police reports note, when two males — one about 16 and the other 18 — dressed in black from head to toe came speeding by on a pair of bicycles.
They spotted the paw-printed truck and must have decided the heap was far superior to their crappy bikes, because one of them produced a chrome-colored revolver, or possibly semi-automatic, and stuck it in the victim's face.
Prior to boosting the truck, reports add, "The suspects demanded the victim to remove his pants." That's a little pervy.
JUNE 10, 5:25 A.M.: Another 42-year-old man waited patiently at a bus stop in the 500 block of North John Young Parkway. Instead of the bus, though, two hat-wearing hoodlums stopped by.
They approached the bus rider and demanded he give up his bag. Not only did he decline, but he also told the thugs why he was not going to cooperate.
"The victim told them he was diabetic and could he get his insulin." Some bad guys do have remorse, apparently, because they relinquished the insulin sack and settled for $57 in cash, instead.
But they couldn't leave it at that.
Just before splitting the scene, one of the suspects whipped out a handgun and told him to keep his lips shut "or he would kill him right there," police reports add.
Scratch that bit on remorse.
JUNE 10, 5:27 A.M.: Here's a suspect who had the opportunity to purloin a cookie or two, but settled for paper goods instead.
An unidentified man, approximately 20, dressed in white sneakers and a gray-collared, striped shirt had his eyes on a food store nestled in the 1300 block of West Gore Street. The store security camera also had its eye on the man. First order of business: gaining entry.
He employed a single stone to break into the snack shop, smashing the front window and causing $600 worth of destruction.
Police reports state our suspect sustained a laceration of "unknown" origin, though this author guesstimates the slicing could possibly be attributed to the broken glass from the front window.
Perhaps our suspect started out with plans to pilfer gallons of milk, canned soup and hot dogs, but he ended up pocketing a plethora of lotto tickets hiding behind the counter.
He climbed over the counter, reports state, and swiped handfuls of the golden tickets, along with an undetermined number of cigarette boxes. "He also smashed a spare register during the incident but obtained nothing," police reports add.
If this bastard gets lucky and happens to win the lotto, so much for the notion that crime doesn't firstname.lastname@example.org