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MAY 23, 7:22 P.M.: The 24-year-old manager of a popular clothing store in the 1800 block of South Semoran Boulevard, where folks come to dress for less, busily stuffed change into the cash register at this evening hour. All was cool under the fluorescent lighting, but a trio of sneaky females and one dude were about to change that.

The miscreants seized the moment by piling layers of clothes — this author is imagining baby-doll T-shirts, rhinestone-studded jeans and flimsy gypsy boho skirts — into their arms and heading straight for the front door. They made a clean getaway with $1,000 worth of clothes in a black vehicle, possibly a Chevy Impala or Monte Carlo.

MAY 25, 8:52 A.M.: Breaking news, O-Town citizens: Locking your doors and windows before bedtime isn't worth a shit.

Check the case of a 27-year-old mama and her sleeping kids who live in the 600 block of 20th Street. At approximately 8:30 a.m., mom pulled herself out of bed to use the porcelain throne.

While occupying the piddle space she was startled by a crashing sound. She didn't investigate immediately, perhaps because she wasn't done, but "exited the bathroom after a couple of minutes and then realized the side door to the enclosed garage was open," police reports state. Upon tiptoeing back into the bedroom where her wee ones soundly slept, she noticed an open window. She also noticed her bedside bling was gone.

During tinkle time, police reports speculate, an unknown suspect or suspects smashed the glass in a rear window, slipped an arm inside and unlocked the window. Such a shifty break-in thus allowed our suspect(s) access to the $500 worth of pocketed golden goods — three rings and one bracelet — before an escape via the open garage door.

MAY 25, 8:08 P.M.: Let's top the evening off with some nonsensical pinkie-finger mutilation, shall we?

A man, 38, and his chum, 23, were chilling on a back porch in the 5700 block of Folkstone Lane this Friday night. What were they doing on the back porch? "Cleaning their handguns," according to police reports. One of the handguns — a 9 mm Springfield — must have been pretty friggin' filthy, because one of the two gentlemen polished it rather intently. During the polishing the trigger was pulled, firing a single bullet straight into the man's left pinkie. He and his damaged digit were rushed off to the Orange Regional Medical Center, according to police reports.

The ensanguined gun cleaner told police "he was cleaning the gun and forgot there was a loaded magazine in the gun." That's why the gun has a safety, hombre.

MAY 26, 7:26 A.M.: A 19-year-old man was driving a black 1991 Acura with his pal, 18, hanging alongside in the passenger seat this Saturday morn. They came to a stop at the intersection of Oxalis Drive and Curry Ford Road when trouble found them. It all started when a complete stranger yelled the following, police reports state:


The one-liner prompted the driver and his friend to whip their heads around curiously, whereupon both received a mighty smack to the cranium. Then the suspect reached inside the Acura and swiped a $100 cell phone, a Florida drivers license and a Fairwinds debit card. The duo drove home with headaches, and were later transported to Florida Hospital East by a friend.

One received several stitches under his right eye while the other "stated that he did not remember what happened" due to a concussion, police reports state.

MAY 28, 1:32 P.M.: An unknown perp or perps struck an auto parts business in the 1200 block of West Jackson Street.

When the manager, 44, headed home for the weekend, a suspect or suspects apparently scaled a fence to gain entry to the business. "The chain link fence surrounding the property has barb wire across the top, except for an approximate five foot section" police reports state. Let's go ahead and assume the ne'er-do-well(s) scaled that portion of the fence.

On the property, one snazzy 2001 Ford E360 box truck, white in hue, was identified as a must-have; or pieces of it, anyway. The break-in ritual is one we all know well: Unknown object is used to smash window; perp slips arm inside and unlocks door. Voilà.

Reports add our suspect(s) first rummaged through a mysterious box on the floor between the driver and passenger seats, and from it "… removed the fire extinguisher and the box containing the emergency reflective triangles." Next, a black leather pouch housing an owner's manual was deemed quintessential, as was the truck's battery. And with that eclectic shopping list completed, the suspect(s) skedaddled.

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